Sufferer New Here: CPTSD Diagnosis for two years after over a decade of misdiagnosis. Looks like a long road ahead.

[OliveJewel]

What is your trauma that made you relate to CPTSD

Not speaking for OP but this

My parents were not involved, there was hoarding of items and pets in the house, and my mother was often lost in a fantasy where everything was perfect. It was not uncommon to hear from her friends that my mother and I had spent the weekend going shopping and hanging out, where the reality was she was spaced out

sounds a helluva lot like emotional neglect which is complex trauma. Experiencing emotional neglect without abuse would be a confusing thing for a person to unravel based on symptoms, I imagine.

 

[ninecatlives]

What is your trauma that made you relate to CPTSD diagnosis? Symptoms mean little, trauma is the relevant discussion.

Well, I was beaten up by my drunk and alcoholic father almost every day for the first 18 years of my life. I am surprised how I thought that it did not affect me in my adult life.

 

[anthony]

I am surprised how I thought that it did not affect me in my adult life.

I'm surprised that you thought it did not affect you in adult life. That is pretty much the worst way to adulthood, an entire childhood of trauma. Very few people come through that without adulthood complications. The fact you're still alive, says something about your own strength, determination, you as a person still here and still trying to live. Well done.

 

[OliveJewel]

I am surprised how I thought that it did not affect me in my adult life

Totally get this. Was also beaten through my teen years (minus the alcoholism) and believed I was fine, and forgave him. Did not connect my OCD and Depression to that at all, thought it was faulty wiring and unlucky genes. Only when I recovered the memories of csa at age 40, which he confirmed, did I consider that all of it may have affected me as an adult. Then the pieces started coming together and I could even begin to notice emotional neglect and abuse.

If I hadn’t uncovered the csa I wouldn’t have had any reason to see my dad as abusive, which is kind of weird given the many assaults by both him and my brother. I had reasons that made sense to me (they couldn’t help it, didn’t know better) prior to awareness of the csa—but that’s what told me it was all f*cked up, even though the csa didn’t hurt physically and stopped before I entered pre-school.

I also applied that same reasoning (he couldn’t help it) to the csa but some people in my life, including people on this site—for which I am so grateful—repeatedly told me that wasn’t true and helped me work through the faulty logic.

It is so common to dismiss the abuse or make ourselves accountable for it (and logical reasons why people do that), so while it might sound weird to an outsider, many survivors get it and lots of people on here are actively working to change that narrative in their head, other times succumbing to it, but writing out the painful experience in their diary or in the forums.

The fact you're still alive, says something about your own strength, determination,

👆 Agree wholeheartedly!

 

[ninecatlives]

I'm surprised that you thought it did not affect you in adult life. That is pretty much the worst way to adulthood, an entire childhood of trauma. Very few people come through that without adulthood complications. The fact you're still alive, says something about your own strength, determination, you as a person still here and still trying to live. Well done.

Anthony, thank you for your kind words of support! The journey to recovery continues!!

And thank you for founding this forum, it is a great place!

thought it was faulty wiring and unlucky genes.

yes, I had similar thoughts. I suppose that trauma that starts early makes us think this is the way it is with ourselves and the world, we never detect any hiccup in the storyline. Very insidious. But hey, we detected it from the inside, and then we get it, how other people might have done similar things with their memories. I must say that when I first heard about suppressed memories some good years back, I thought it unbelievable, but now I completely get it, of course. Now the main battle is towards the fact that it is not our fault, and the internal critic better shut up with the negative stuff and help with the positive stuff instead! :)

@OliveJewel, thank you for your kind words of support, I wish you a successful journey of recovery!