Sufferer New Here, I Had An Episode Today And I Thought I Might Try Something New

[Manatee812]

Hey everyone, I just found this website after an intense flashback of emotions. I've read some of your stories and I thought I would add mine, hopefully this is a new avenue I can try and use to deal with my pain, but for now I'll just share my own story.

I'm a 22 year old and i've been dealing with overwhelming feelings of pain, depression and anxiety for about 10 years now. I grew up in a confusing and often times painful household. My father has been the source of most of my pain throughout the years and he continues to interfere with my life to this day. The problem for me is that there are a lot of mixed feelings about my father. On one hand, he taught me many valuable lessons about life and how to treat others, but on the other he would hurt me while trying to teach me his trade and betray the very ideas he was teaching me. He was physically and emotionally abusive, but he did everything he could to try and establish a connection with me. To shorten a very long and painful story, eventually he abandoned my family and started a new one with one of his students (he's a martial arts instructor) and today he's always in and out of jail and his life has pretty much fallen apart.

Now I live everyday carrying this pain with me and I feel like time has frozen for me, I live in the past but the idea of moving forward terrifies me. Anyway, I just want to know that there are people who have had this kind of experience and actually made it out the other side. Thanks for reading.

 

[rainy_daze]

I just want to know that there are people who have had this kind of experience

i've been dealing with overwhelming feelings of pain, depression and anxiety

Welcome to the forum Manatee. There are people here who understand and have experienced/continue to experience feelings like you mentioned. I think with support living in the present can be done. I really do get what you mean when you say time has frozen.

I wish you all the best in healing.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

I feel like time has frozen for me

I wrote those exact words about 3 years ago. I was frozen in time but watching others move around me, getting on with their lives.

Since then, with the support of my family, a wonderful therapist (EMDR) and this forum, I feel a different person. It hasn't been an easy journey and I still have set backs, but, I have a life.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Manatee,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

Just like fight or flight, freezing is also a response to trauma. You didn't mention whether you were in therapy or not, but having a recovery plan can help you break out of freeze mode and start moving forward with healing.

I hope you find the information and support here helpful.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Yep, here another one who gets the "frozen" thing ;) I'm starting to come out of it now, it's really scary but it's possible. Keep in mind that there are positive things to come, even though you might not allow yourself to really believe it yet.

Grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive household too and I can really recognize this "mixed signals" thing. Welcome to the forum!

 

[MsTerri]

Hi Manatee,

Thank you for posting. I relate tremendously to how you feel and the living with the aftermath of what you have been through. I am new here too and for the first time in years actually woke up looking forward to coming here--which means doing something. Not just doing something, but doing that thing which just may hold some hope, some direction, some information from other people who are going through life (for me defined) with and by PTSD. I have looked for two years for a 'healthy' active site like this and I was just lucky enough to have stumbled into it.

Thank you for your strength and honesty...I look forward to finding some direction and having you and others come along with me on this Merry Go Round ride towards recovery.

I started the 'frozen' thing about 9 months ago. My therapist explained that there is flight and fight which we've heard all our lives, but then there's frozen. My shrink (PA) gave me some meds to help me through those times.. as I was self medicating, something I don't want to do. It helps, but then I just sorta floated around in neutral until a few days ago, I found this place. I feel now that I am in the company of others who are with me and in front of me on the road, holding some candles and lights and maybe some direction signs.

Best to you and hope you continue to post.
MsTerri

 

[circe47]

Manatee-

I am at the same place in life that you are now. Though I have been on and off therapy for almost twenty years, I am still frozen in time and cannot seem to move forward. I have good days and bad days.

It is no surprise you feel very conflicted. On one hand you have the child within who wants a parent/child bond. On the other you are an adult and have a right to freedom, respect, and personal boundaries. It sounds like the relationship dynamic is still the same as when you were young. The difference between then and now is that only you can decide to interact with your father or not depending on what is most healthy for you.

I had this very issue come up in therapy yesterday as my father treats me the same as when I was young. He simply refuses to relate to me as an adult. He thinks he can come into my house and tell me what I should be thinking/doing/feeling/saying and if I go against him......I get a big F U! It is insane. My therapists all keep telling me to be calm and ask him to leave in a calm way unless he can be respectful to me. Believe me- I get that it is very, very hard to change a dynamic that has been in place for your entire life. The people in your family are going to resist change because it isn't comfortable for them.

I sense that like me, you too feel a overwhelming sense of responsibility in maintaining a relationship with a dysfunctional father. I have been told that you have to let go of the guilt and sense of responsibility for others actions or inactions. That makes perfect sense, but it is also very hard when we have been conditioned to look to our parents as all wise and above all others. For me, the only way to implement the necessary change is to take small steps in the right direction. For me, this means limited contact and not talking about hot button issues. Sort of like keeping the relationship to an acquaintance type of level.

I just want to let you know that I understand completely, and hope that things will get better real soon for you.

 

[Manatee812]

Thanks for the responses y'all, I actually had a good day for the first time in a long while. Cleaned my house, chatted with friends, and I never let the panic overtake me, at least not for today. This has to be the most welcoming and understanding community I've seen in a long time, I'm glad I found it.

 

[stuff]

I grew up with a parent who I really respected in some ways, and who was terribly abusive in others. It feels like some sort of psychological torture, because that sense of respect makes you feel worse for standing up for yourself when it comes to the abuse.

 

[Manatee812]

I'm not sure if I missed something on the site, but I was wondering if there's anyone who would just like to chat for a bit. I got triggered today and all my mind could think of is that I want to talk to someone who knows what this pain is like. IF anyone has any advice for me please let me know. Also this is a two way streak, if anyone wants to talk I'm a very good listener. Thanks.

 

[stuff]

I've never figured out the chat aspects of this site.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to to the forum. :)