New Here; Looking For Help

[Army_Brat_88]

I have tried to learn from all of your experiences, and although my wife and I are still distant, I am hoping for you girls to show me a way to get back what I had.

Zipperhead - perhaps you can see how we care - and care an awful lot - and my wish would be that at some point you can convey that to people on the combat site - who will then put it to practice in their lives. There seems to be that brick wall that you vets put up towards the spouse or gf which you don't do people on the outside. Maybe with time you can tell others "look, they do care, you just need to push through the bull:poop: and force yourself to talk the issues out to them"

....at least, once you've mastered that yourself, perhaps ;)

Also - you may consider yourself useless in certain things, and while some doors have closed, you're making it up for what you're doing for some of us on this site.

 

[KK3966]

("So instead of "the Military did", try "the politicians did." He'll probably agree with you.")
Ok, I see what you are saying. I try just to not bring anything up, and let him when he wants to. I didn't think the mention of the twin towers memorial thing would piss him off, but it did, and he has his own reasons. He's talked a little about it, but he'll share more when he's ready.
I'm sorry about all your pain. He is your age. I had to google IED. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I think it bothers him some, and he often forces himself to do things. I think he's getting better at accepting it, and realizing he deserves a break. And he knows I'm there for him.
I really hope you can find a way to get back to the way things were w/your wife. I feel for you both. And the fact that you are on here, and that you are trying, does say a lot.
I know one thing that would help us immensely.. is if he could work hard on expressing his thoughts and feelings. If you don't know for sure how someone feels, and then they are distant or pull away from you...what are you supposed to think? It's very difficult to want to put your "all" into a relationship when you feel like you don't get any response. I'm going to try to think of some ways for us to work on that. I might see if he wants to start journaling a "daily thought" or something. Anything he's feeling or thinking at the moment. See if that would help him to try to express himself. He used to write poetry. Maybe he would like to get back into that.

 

[Zipperhead]

If I knew how to express mself without a fight starting I wouldn't be here. But a keyboard is differant. Tell him that. Try to get him to send e-mails. If I don't like what I wrote, I don't press sent. For some reason my wife can't read anything I wrote without criticising, so I still can't talk to her. Her fault, my problem. I use to play in a band. It's one of the hobbies I've lost. I would like to do it again, but it just doesn't happen. Encourage your husband to try his poetry again. Never know, you just might find a poem that helps you understand someday.

 

[KK3966]

He's my boyfriend. Speaking of communication probs, we have facebook issues. The dreaded facebook. I think it's hard to convey feelings sometimes, or see the feeling in a text. Know what i mean. I'm sorry, have you guys tried therapy together? Yeah, I think I'm going to encourage him about his poetry. I try to understand. I try a lot. So, while I've got you here... does your wife every complain about you flirting or being suggestive to others? I'm trying to figure out if this is a ptsd symptom or a personality trait. I thought we were doing good there, and then whammo.. last night... changes his fb town to long dong something, and his hometown to pu$$y something. So disrespectful to me. For me, just asking for female attention. I can't understand it. I compliment him & give him lots of attention. I can tell he needs the attention.

 

[KK3966]

& you should think about that band Zipperhead. what kind of music did you do?

 

[Zipperhead]

My wife is jealous. I can't blame her. I can talk to other people, not so much with her. She knows that most of the people I am writing to on line are women as well and it drives her crazy. I think maybe that's why she attacks me when ever I try to get her to read a post. Maybe she is paying more attention to who I am talking to then what I am saying. Never thought of that before.

Okay, the facebook thing is abit off. Maybe he's feeling abit immasculated right now and is trying to act tough. A defense against the views of mental illness. You know, you need to give him space, but that doesn't mean you need to accept blatant insulting behaviour. Tell him how that makes you feel, and if he doesn't change it, drop him as a friend on face book. You can tell him that your just giving him some space to vent.

My wife and I did go to counselling. The counseller told me I might want to see someone about some of the issues I may be having from overseas. Of course, that was before I did the award winning nose dive back in May. I couldn't admit that I had a problem until it got so bad I coundn't ignore it. Counselling therefore was rather ineffective. Hard to help two people when they aren't being honest. Now that I am getting help, it's kind of hard to work on the relationship and me at the same time. I think my wife may need to get some one on one as well. It will be hard to rebuild if we are starting in the past. A fresh start would be nice. Counselling for her may help her let go of the anger.

I use to play in Competition Pipe Band. I've played the bagpipes for 25 years. My best results were in 2005. My band took Campion Supreme for the ameteur level quartet for Alberta that year. Now I don't play unless there is a funeral. My injuries slowed me down abit, my wife saying it was taking to much time slowed me down abit, and my PTSD has killed it all together. I have piped allot of caskets onto planes. There are allot of memories there.

 

[KK3966]

I can tell you when my boyfriend is in "non-touchy" mode, and then he turns around and hugs someone or shows affection to someone else.. I want to strangle him. It's very painful. I'd be upset too w/ you talking to other women online and opening up to them. I'm sure it hurts that's it's not her. I know I want to be the one that's there for my boyfriend. I wouldn't want him turning to other women. He does have female friends he can talk to. I guess it all depends on the context. He's pretty open with me on things, so I'm lucky there.
He doesn't see his fb changes as flirty or suggestive. I try to not say anything about his fb at all. One other time we had a discussion about it and he blew up & deactivated his account, which he turned back on. Since then i've tried to ignore things and leave it alone. But he knows how i feel about this behavior. I feel it's disrepectful to me and our relationship. He has jokingly mentioned putting something up before (something suggestive), but said how I wouldn't like the attention he receives, so he wouldn't. Yet, out of the blue he does this. I just can't comprehend it. So, once he did these changes, I said something. He blew, got all defensive and deactivated his account last night. Which he knew would hurt me even more because the first time I explained how it made it worse.. because then i get to answer to everyone else.. "did you break up?" "what happend to his acct?" etc etc. He has a cpl very flirty friends (one is an ex-girlfriend) and he knows they will comment on his changes. He doesn't talk to them anymore, but he knows this would get them going again. Maybe it was the masculine thing... he was in a LOT of pain yesterday. More than normal. It's also our one day apart. Every Monday. & this same guy.. posted a quote about love from Plato.. like two days prior.. and made sure he showed it to me that day.
I'm glad you are getting some help. It's always hard to admit you need help.. for me anyway. Sounds like a good idea for your wife to go to counseling, too. Then after awhile maybe you can go together. I really hope you two can work it out. If she is still there, and you are still there.. I'm really holding out for you both.
Bagpipes, that's awesome. Maybe you can find a completely different context to play it in. Or become a teacher! To create new memories. I don't know, just a thought. Don't like to see you give up on such a talent that you once enjoyed.

 

[Aunt Flo]

KK3966 - I sympthasise with you fully about the FB thing. If I even made one suggestion about my bf's FB, he would probably delete me. He doesn't openly flirt with anyone on it, but my insecurities make me read too much into things. Silly really. Unfortunately, I am dealing with my own abandonment issues, as well as his PTSD - you can imagine the rollercoaster we are on at the moment - flaming exhausting!

I am 'walking on eggshells' constantly, and feel just lately I am getting everything wrong. Of late he is irritable, distant and picks holes, yet still loves me and wants to be with me. Ok, I know these are all signs of PTSD and something I am going to have to harden up to. I really don't cope well with rejection and cry many tears (not in his presence) as I feel such a failure.

He has expressed to me that he is trying to get fixed. We fell in love so quickly and the emotions he felt, coupled with other issues he was dealing with, on top of the PTSD, just triggered something in him. I have seen such a change in him over the past 2 weeks and keep blaming myself. He tells me not to. What most non-sufferers would see as a trivial situation, sufferers see it as much bigger and it can takeover.

All you can do is to support him, much like I am trying to support my bf, and to learn when to back off - much like I am learning.

Good luck ((((((hugs))))))

 

[KK3966]

Thank you Aunt Flo. It certainly is difficult. Eventually, he simmered down and reactivated his FB account.. removed the town changes I didn't like. I could tell he had calmed down, but I feel like I should be able to discuss things w/him w/o him deactivating his account. Last time he did this, I felt horribly guilty and asked him to please put it back up. This time, sorry.. you throw a fit and deactivate it.. that's your choice. Days later he asked if I wanted him to reactivate his account (I am sure he wanted to). I told him it was his choice. And he did. I feel like if he wants to explode like that, he should deal with the consequences of it, and I will no longer be begging for forgiveness.

I, too have my own abandonment issues, not from childhood, but from another relationship. I've told him, leave if you need to when you are upset, but always come back. Don't ever just disappear. And he has. In years before me, he would shut his phone off (or break it), and cut off from the world entirely. I can't deal with that due to my own abandonment issues. So he's been good about at least texting, and not dropping off the earth.

I don't cope well w/rejection either. I'm so sorry you are going through that. I cry a lot. Or when I'm in a mood where I need some extra support, I feel so horrible. Even w/sex, if he's not the one pursuing it.. I won't. Otherwise, he will either reject me, or just go along w/it and I will end up feeling empty and alone. He will express to me to pursue it even, but I won't..I can't take the rejection.

I see such an improvement when he gets some sleep. I'm going to continue to encourage him to get to the insomnia clinic. I love him and I am willing to make sacrifices for him, but more and more he wants to just sit around and watch movies. I can't do that 24/7, like 3+ days a week. I won't. I'll go into a depression too, if I do that.