I just realized that we're supposed to write more of our story here, so here goes.
My husband and I met in 2006. He was a police officer then. About six months into our relationship, he was involved in a situation that resulted in another officer's death. While he grieved and saw a counselor a few times, it just now occurred to us that this might be the problem. I ashamed to say that I didn't understand his grief at the time. There was no negligence on his part, so there were no reprecussions at his department. But he blamed himself for the other officer's death, and I couldn't understand why. Time passed, and looking back now, that event marked a major change in him. He became secretive, and under major stress, he would have major anger outbursts. I guess I put my blinders on because we ended up getting married. Two days before our wedding, he was let go. He made a bad decision combined with some past infractions that ended up in his dismissal. He was deeply depressed for almost a year after that point. Most of his cop buddies deserted him. We had to move to another city in order for me to obtain work. We were under some major financial stress. It has been an all around bad situation.
His depression seemed to lift a little when he started working again in a different field, although I knew he was sad because he wasn't a police officer anymore. A few months ago however, he decided to search for his birth mother (he was adopted at birth). She was eager to meet him and forge a relationship. I believe that this development will be positive for him in the future, but right now, I believe it has sparked his recent problems.
Since meeting his mother, he has had some very scary outbursts. We fight a lot: I believe its a combination of being fairly newly married, along with the issues from his ADD, that cause our arguments. His reactions lately have been really bad. One minute he's committed to the relationship and wants to "get to know" me again, and then the next minute he's screaming that that was just a "one-off" and it doesn't matter anymore. He's put holes in the bedroom door from some of his outbursts. Most recently, he was on the phone with a creditor and when they laughed at him for some reason, he spun into an out-of-control rage that resulted in him grabbing a knife and speeding off his truck. He returned, bleeding, a few minutes later. Apparently he had taken a curve at a high rate of speed, and the knife slid across the seat and cut him.
For now, I can barely talk to him. He's grown more withdrawn and if I press him about it, he just goes off. He is under a lot of stress at his job, and that just exacerbates the problem. I try to understand, but I feel like I spend so much of my time making excuses for him, and hoping that things will change, and then worrying that they won't.
The bright spot is that he has admitted that there is a problem and wants to seek help. He will be starting counseling with his birth mother in another week, and the counselor specializes in PTSD as well. I'm just afraid that it's not going to make a difference. I don't know how to handle him in the mean time besides just leaving him alone.
I had been seeing a counselor for my own issues, but some money problems have kept me from keeping my appointments lately. The money problems being that my husband can't control what he spends and when he runs out of his personal allowance, he just uses the money that is supposed to go to the car or his cell phone. Unfortunately, I drive the car, so I worry that I'm going to walk out the door one day and it's going to be gone.
Any thoughts or suggestions on how I can help me cope, and help myself? I'm about to worry myself to death.
