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[Amber]

Hello! My name is Amber. I'm a 30 yr old wife of a combat wounded medic with a purple heart who suffers from PTSD.

We celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary on May 17th. We brought our adopted daughter home from the hospital in October of 2010 and she has been the one light in our lives right now.

Lately my husband and I have been fighting so much that it has even gotten to the point where we have threatened to leave each other on a couple of occasions. I think if it weren't for the adoption still pending we would have called it quits. I love my husband more than life itself and I couldn't picture my life without him but lately I feel like I'd be happier out of the marriage than in.

I feel like I've lost my husband and gained a roomate. He is a gamer. He plays WoW and lately has switched to Rift. He plays pretty much every night from the time he gets off of work till he goes to bed. We CAN NOT come to a comprimise on the gaming situation and if I even bring it up it's a HUGE fight.

I feel like my daughter and I are being neglected without any attention or affection. The sex life is lacking and I don't even feel wanted any more. It's hard to get into the mood with him when he does want it.

He has horrible road rage and has been raised a little racist so while he doesn't hate all black people he still gets angry and calls them derogitory names during fits of road rage. This is a HUGE problem for me seeing as how our adopted daugther is mixed! I've told him several times that he is going to have to learn to curb that before she gets old enough to realize what he is saying because it will give her a HUGE complex.

I could go on and on about how PTSD is destroying our lives but I guess I'm just looking for support and a sympathetic ear because I'm almost at my wits end.

Thanks,
Amber

 

[Ron]

Hi Amber welcome to the forum! I remember in the past when my PTSD was at a peak, it put a big strain on my marriage too. PTSD can be very tough. Is your husband getting trauma counselling? And have you two considered marriage counselling?

 

[intothelight]

Hi Amber,

Welcome and I know that you can find the support here to help you. Being a supporter of a partner with PTSD, puts so much stress on the supporter and the relationship. You will find that taking care of yourself is a priority.

There is a sister forum here, Combat PTSD forum that you may find helpful.

Take care.
Debbie

 

[anthony]

Hi Amber... this is harsh, but realistic under what you're saying.

You clearly state that he is not willing to compromise on him spending excessive time in gaming.

You clearly state you are better off out than within the marriage, fighting, the atmosphere in general.

So I think its maybe time to get tough with how you approach this, which comes with risks... the risk of you losing the relationship.

There are problems, but only one of you is willing to work on them. Depending how long this has gone on now, would depend on your actions, but what you feel is what you feel. I will not say leave him, because that is only a decision you can make.

What I will say though, is maybe its time to simply put some outright decisions on the table for him, being:

• You both attend marriage counselling each week together, or
• If he doesn't want to participate within the relationship, then you must make a choice to stay or go, because there is no relationship obviously based on what you have expressed above.

Your husband is responsible for your husbands actions, and you are responsible for your actions. I would however approach it assertively, refusing to argue with him, just provide the choices as you define them to get the relationship back, to communicate and compromise, or whatever decision you make there-forth, you live with and accept.

 

[Amber]

Hi Ron

He gets the royal VA treament which I'm sure you know the quality of care that is. They send him to a psychologist once a month just to review his meds. He just started actual COUNSELING this month and has had one session.

When I suggested marriage counseling to work on our marrital issues he said that I have issues I need to work through first and that he felt if I got counseling for my issues then the marrital issues would resolve themselves.

I start counseling on Tuesday because I do feel I need to speak to someone about things from my past in addition to OUR problems and how to deal with his PTSD and be more understanding.

I do however feel that our problems won't get resolved by going to separate counselors.

For example, when he saw his counselor last week he came home and told me she said I shouldn't say anything about his excessive gaming to him because it's his "outlet." While I understand that I feel like he has a family he's neglecting and he doesn't see it that way. I honestly feel like his gaming has progressed to an addiction.

I just dont' know how to approach him about anything without it turning into a huge arguement.

My heart is breaking because I don't want to lose him!

 

[Ron]

Well, I can surely sympathize with marital problems. Amber, you are not alone! My marriage at this point can go either way. Our main problem is fights that start small and then escalate into extremely stressful conflicts. We are on the brink. Fighting took so much out of me (my nerves are totally raw). Please don't end up like me ok?

My son started playing Halo some time back and the more he plays the more he plays if you know what I mean. I try to keep tabs on it and ask him to go off when I know he's been on too long. Gaming can definitely be an addiction. I think your husband is addicted. I can sympathize with you for sure.

I think what's important is for you two to make quality time together and have some serious dicussions about your relationship and both your wants and needs.

 

[Amber]

Believe me Ron...we have had discussions. I have expressed many times how I feel but he just doesn't get it. We have a serious communication break down.

That is why I decided to join this forum to try and get some insight to him and his PTSD. Maybe it will help me communicate more effectively with him so he will understand where I'm coming from and vise versa.

At least that's my hope!

 

[Ron]

I hope it works out for you and hubby Amber!:)

 

[anthony]

His counsellor's an idiot... for starters he would be more than likely stretching the truth / outright lying about the actual status, that is PTSD, and secondly, if the counsellor knew the truth, they would not be enabling that type of behaviour. I would accept the counsellor making some type of statement like, ok... schedule x time to game, then turn it off, spend x time with family, spend x time on relationship, being just you both. That is what a counsellor would say.

Yes, you going to counselling and he also, individually, will not change a thing, agreed. You must commit to both go to group counselling, marriage counselling, because you will first learn to communicate and provide each other time, whilst also allocating each other alone time.

You both need individual counselling, but you need together marriage counselling and even both of you should attend atleast one session with each other within your individual counselling, just so the other has a method to give their side to your counsellor atleast once, then the counsellor knows both sides to deal with things correctly as individuals. But marriage counselling... that is always a together thing. Takes two to tango.

Here is the problem normally. Parent stays home with children all day... parent wants adult interaction with partner when they get home. PTSD just makes this all that much worse mind you... working parent comes home and ignores partner and children, instead becomes lost in gaming until literally early in the morning, sleeps a few hours, gets up, goes to work and does it all over again.

Then people wonder why one partner or the other ends up in an affair, when the entire time they are trying to save the relationship for love.

 

[Powder]

Yes the racism is something you cannot allow in your child's life from a "caregiver." If he's working, fighting and gaming non-stop then that word remains in quotes because it's not the reality. Sorry to be blunt, but it sounds like you were hoping the baby would open his heart and fix the relationship. Not that you out and out said that, but it's between the lines on why you haven't split yet. Are you strong enough to walk away with your daughter? I'm not saying that's the answer today, but I'm asking if you are strong enough. If not, then you have no options. If so, then that's an option you are going to be exploring sooner rather than later because he is putting little to no effort into himself or the relationship. This has nothing to do with you and has everything to do with who he is choosing to be right now. Your old stuff is not pertinent to this directly. Your old stuff may be why you got mixed up with a selfish person, but it's not in control of you right now. You have a good heart and a good head, and it sounds like you are the main parent and willing to put the child's needs as a priority. That means You Are the Healthy One and the strong one. Tough place to be, but it can lead to huge growth if you're willing to stand on your own two feet and claim what's true for you. Sounds like you're doing that. Welcome to the forum, and I know you will find out what to do and what's going to work for your family.

Muse