New Here

[LaurenInWonderland]

I don't really know what in supposed to say.. I was molested when I was 7/8 by a man I believed to be a family friend.. I later found out when I wad 14 that he is actually my biological father. I feel disgusting because even though he was so sadistic, he often put pieces of broken glass inside me before raping me to make me bleed.. I still can't hate him and I still tell myself he never wanted to hurt me and I just feel like in such a freak for not hating him

 

[leanne1321]

Hi Lauren and welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry for what you've been through, but here you'll find understanding and acceptance.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Lauren and welcome.
Sorry you need to be here, but glad you found us!
Lucy x

 

[Mercy]

Hi Lauren, Welcome.
It surely is very confusing and emotionally painful to need to hold two completely different ideas about your father.
We are here to listen and give you our companionship.

I I still can't hate him and I still tell myself he never wanted to hurt me and I just feel like in such a freak for not hating him

 

[cherryblossom]

Hello Lauren :wave:,

It's awful to hear what you have been through, but I'm glad that you found us.

Welcome to the forum :peekaboo:
CB

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Hi Lauren!

Welcome to the forum! I know this is a club that nobody wants to join. However, meeting all of the people with sexual abuse makes me feel so much less alone. That I consider priceless. Of course I don't want others to have to experience what I did, and if I could I would undo it for everybody else. However there is power in numbers and that helps me feel safe.

My primary sexual abuser was also my father. Although I hate what he did, I too, find it difficult if not impossible to fully and completely hate him. I have chosen not to see him since 1994 and I do not want to know too much about his life or have any contact with him. However when I was a little child he played an enormous role in my life. Some memories are good. Others are scary. Others are ok. I am just now beginning to learn how abnormal my growing up years were. Now I have to learn how to set up boundaries and learn how to keep myself safe from friends, acquaintances, and strangers.

I am receiving a number of services from people. The main one is therapy twice a week. Because I have additional disabilities other than severe C-PTSD I also receive case management, social workers, an ILS worker, and an ARMHS worker whom I all see regularly.

Welcome and feel free to ask any questions and just try to jump in...

 

[Mercy]

Please feel free to write any time you feel ready. You might like to start a diary? You can go as slowly as you want. The act writing helps most of us release some of the pain from our traumas.

 

[Shattered]

Hi, Lauren,

I am new to SSA myself. I'm originally from the PTSD Forum, but added SSA as a valuable resource. I know you will find terrific support here. Best wishes in your journey.

 

[moc]

HI Lauren,
I am so sorry to hear of your dreadful experiences. I too was abused by my father and also struggle with feelings of love/hate. It is very hard to work through this and I think you have to be kind to yourself and acknowledge that these are feelings shared by others in your situation and certainly not something you have any reason to feel guilty about. We are conditioned to love those who brought us into the world - it is an extraordinarily difficult attachment to break. I hope you find this forum a solace and comfort. Take care.