New Member Relieved To Find This Forum

[scarlet]

Hi Seneca,

Thank you. There wasn't much room for dissociation. It was like I was on red alert for the almost five years of the court saga, and I got too used to being anxious.

Best wishes,
Scarlet

 

[Suzanne]

Scarlet,

I really love your metaphor. I relate to it very much. I have found too, that an "identity crisis" went hand in hand with the PTSD, in my own experience. The loss of knowing who I was, (or not knowing, as the case may been at various times), is a huge factor. I have learned that even my isolation is a choice, within my own control. Sometimes, it's all I can control.

Love reading your posts Scarlet. You are an incredibly strong, sensitive and compassionate woman. I say "Brava" to you dearie.

Best as always,
Suzanne

 

[Iam]

Hi Scarlet. Welcome to the forum ;o) I am sorry that you had to go thru so much. And to not be believed by someone who wass supposed to protect you just makes it worse.

You will find lots of info here. Make sure to take time to read the articles, they are incrediblly helpful. You will find support here from fellow sufferers. Some have walked the path you are on and can give you great insight. You sound very courageous and strong (though I am sure there are times you don't believe that).

Welcome again, I look forward to getting to know you!

 

[scarlet]

Hi Suzanne,

Thank you. I am glad you liked the metaphor. Searching for my identity has occupied my thoughts since childhood. What a journey of discovery it has turned out to be. I have been vulnerable, without knowing it, to abusive people over the years, but I have also met wonderful people and learnt so much. These days I can recognize four fragments of me. One I call my trauma self. Then there is the flirtatious little girl and when I am her and she is me I am a completely different person. I'm almost high. There's my conceptual thinker self, which is so out there I have little memory of what she says but I feel powerful, exalted, when I am her. The me in the foreground has grown out of the dutiful daughter. She is the practical, resourceful mother. With her, has grown the observer, and it is the observer that has learnt to know these other me's. So who I am is the total of all these fragments. And the challenge is to manage the whole lot of it so that each fragment is not ignored, has their needs met, and is given opportunities for expression. Which requires a great deal of reflection and introspection. I'm my own hard work. And I fail, often. I have days when I wake up and start to cry. Days when I'm way too hyper-aroused. Days when I'm low, days when I'm in complete despair. I wonder if this makes sense to you.

What I have decided for myself is to place creative expression at the centre of my being, and allow all my fragments to coalesce around it. Because I'm sure that creativity is what is crushed by early childhood abuse. Play, sing, dance, run, paint, write, whatever, it all comes down to experiencing joy.

My very best wishes to you too,
Scarlet

 

[Learning123]

Hi Scarlet,

Thanks very much for being open about this with me. I'm glad that you find it helpful to talk and I enjoy talking to you / reading your posts.
It's useful to read your metaphor and it's really helped me. I don't know what the outcome of this journey will be, I don't know if my ex will want me to help, but I did explain over the weekend that I am trying to learn about all this and she thanked me and was positive toward me, which I took as a good thing.

I wish you all the best Scarlet, I really do, and I look forward to future posts / chats with you :-)

Thanks again, it was really kind of you to take the time to reply.

 

[scarlet]

Hi Learning 123,

You are welcome. The hardest thing for me just now is maintaining a belief in myself. I lose confidence so easily and quickly become demoralized. This forum is a great boost for me. I've done heaps of work on my inner life over many years, long before I knew I had CPTSD. It's a very demanding illness and it takes a lot of energy to lead a normal life. If I had known earlier in my life that I was suffering from this condition, I might have made different choices, done things in ways that didn't lead me into situations of further wounding. I might have taken the time to figure out if a person, whether friend or lover, was a good match for me. My last marriage, for example, was with a man who was wrong for me in just about every way, not least that he was emotionally abusive.

This last year I've retreated from the world, grieved painfully over the loss of the life that was robbed me before I knew it existed, before I, as a separate identity, existed. This process was triggered by the death of my father, whom I hadn't seen for twenty-six years. I've been robbed of happy memories and laden with trauma memories, which are not memories in the normal sense of the word. At present I am trying to redeem my life and move forward into a brighter future. I have to accept that CPTSD isn't something that will go away. I will always have to manage myself and my life in a variety of ways. The journey CPTSD puts the sufferer on is one of self-awareness. Out of that comes compassion for others, depth of insight and many other things, I'm sure.

I wish you well with your own journey.

Best wishes,
Scarlet

 

[James B.]

Hello Scarlet, just wanted to say, as a CPTSD sufferer myself, can really relate to much of what you're feeling. Just wanted to stop by, wish you well, and say welcome to the forum. :hello:

 

[scarlet]

Thanks James B,

It's a challenge making major life decisions with CPTSD. And starting new relationships. Or stepping out into new situations. I've become too much of a hermit lately. I've posted a thread in the main forum raising the difference between anxiety and hyperarousal. I spoke to my doctor yesterday and she didn't grasp the difference. Hyperarousal might be triggered by anxious thoughts, but I find that it is more like being over-stimulated and unable to wind down. I can be calm in my thinking, settled emotionally, not feeling nervous (all things I've some control over) and still I'm 'switched on.' It's in my body, not my mind. I'm hypoglycemic too. Which I'm sure is connected. I've been through too much trauma, over too many years. It's taken its toll.

Best wishes,
Scarlet

 

[Learning123]

Hi Scarlet,

Thanks for the reply. I'm sorry that things have been so difficult for you. I am only just learning about all of this, hence the name, and I'm blown away by how kind and helpful sufferers like you can be. It sounds as though you have had such a difficult time, but I think that it's great you post on this forum and work constantly at the struggles that you have. I'd just like to say keep going and stay strong, you have done an amazing job in coping with all this and it's great that you trying to aim for a brighter future, you will get there and I wish you all the best.

Best wishes

 

[scarlet]

Hi Learning123,

Thank you. It's odd, things have been difficult, but at the same time, rich and rewarding. I feel I've lived two lives at once, a life of coping and struggling, an inner journey that never stops, and another life, of achievements, triumphs, adventures and lots of love from all those big-hearted people out there. Perhaps CPTSD forces you to develop poise, balance, while you walk a path that is a razor edge, to each side of you an abyss. It isn't a flat path, it undulates like a rollercoaster. I'll never be someone who ambles along a flat plain!

Best wishes,
Scarlet