Childhood New Memories Relating To Brother Raping Me

[hermione]

I recently came to terms that my brother raped me from ages 12-17 on top of my dads friend who did it from 8-17 and they are separate situations but there are new memories surfacing about my brother and his friend like clearer memories than I have had about it... things I did not remember until last week with this surfacing I am struggling and now my brother is not in my life as he is being investigated for downloading and viewing child pornography my parents are not even really aware well my mom is but she won't listen my therapist is wonderful I just feel horrible and the memories are just horrific and I feel dirty and just overwhelmed...he could be arrested and he was a teacher the thoughts I have on that too much this was a secret I was going to take to the grave but has come out and just don't know anymore...

 

[hermione]

just struggling i feel so dirty i am trying not to self harm but have been showering because i feel dirty something i haven't done in ages my memories are fresh and i feel just so wrong and dirty and hate that i have to admit to incest in my family...by my brother its just making me sick i can't do this anymore...i see my therapist tomorrow but feeling so terrible tonight...

 

[Kintsugi]

I was sexually abused by my brother in what would have been my preschool/early kindergarten years. You're not alone.

 

[Naoru]

i feel just so wrong and dirty and hate that i have to admit to incest in my family

I hear you. Your feelings are real and you are not alone.

But I would like to add: what your brother did to you has zero reflection on you. You are not dirty. You are not wrong. He is.

 

[hermione]

Thank you for the support and know I am not alone. I just hate feeling this way and so much just everything so many new memories and I just don't know it's a lot to deal with admitting the rape was a lot the details are even more difficult

 

[Phoenixx]

I'm so sorry. I was sexually abused by my stepfather and I still have nightmares. I'm scared because I don't know if they are dreams or memories I blocked out. I had someone "joke" about rape to me yesterday and my partner is defending him ... HIM!? It was his friend and he said he's "not losing a friend over 'just words'... People have no idea about abuse, what its like, especially when it's happening at home. I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

[ReneeS]

My brother and his friends abused me for many years and I can understand how you feel - that dirty shameful feeling just won't go away. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I know hearing it doesn't make it go away but the dirty feeling and shame should be on your brother and all the other abusers.

 

[hermione]

Thank you it has been hard with new memories and its just so much i can't...i wish it would go away and my own brother i tell my therapist i still love him i think or is that just obligation...idk its confusing...and I am an emotional mess...

 

[Kintsugi]

I empathize with all the above feelings deeply, @hermione. I still loved him for a few years. But he proved that he wasn't worth all of the emotion. I hated him instead--still a passionate, intense emotion, far from numb, but I actually felt better once I could fully demonize him instead of being so conflicted. Those conflicted feelings felt like they were going to kill me.

 

[hermione]

thats how i feel i am so conflicted and my idea he is my brother so i can't not love him its so screwed up my psychiatrist told my therapist it sounds like a monster when my therapist shared what i wrote in my journal about the abuse...and its not sugarcoated at all...

 

[Kintsugi]

he is my brother so i can't not love him

False.

We are not required to love people.

Love is not mandatory.

 

[hermione]

I suppose that is true...i guess its my idea of family and the memories break that...