New Therapist

[GWhizz]

Hi guys, haven't really been active on this properly for a while as I kinda took a 'break' from managing my PTSD. Did a bit of freestyle so to speak lol, and came back to the point where I need to pick it up again.

I had been on and off with my T for over a year (she's my 1st ever therapist, 1st to ever know about my past etc). But after trying to go back about 2months ago and the same back/forth push/pull cycle continuing, I decided to brave a break from it and start afresh.

Was this a stupid decision? I guess time will tell. Starting over is so hard. I've had 2 sessions with my new T. She's good. But rehashing all this stuff I've been through already is tougher than I expected. In fact, it's harder than the 1st time. The 1st time I believed it would help. It didn't. I believed it was the right thing I needed to do at the time. But I regretted telling. I told my new T this, how I'm afraid this is only round 2 of the same episode. It seemed juvenile to ask her 'what's the point?' I know the point and why I'm choosing to come back to make a 2nd go at it. I just want this time to be different, but already this overwhelming fear of the same discomfort, dissociation, losing my ability to talk in sessions etc, is coming into it.

I'm even more stressed out than ever now. Because I see her on Tuesdays and next week is St.Patrick's day (a public holiday here), it's 2weeks until my next session. The inner turmoil after yesterday is eating away at me. I feel physically sick to my core right now, I'm so wound up and afraid. I don't know can I go through this again. Or if I'm ready this time either. When is anyone over ready to face it? Last time I got pretty messed up during therapy. But longterm, I'm not coping adequately doing it alone.

I'm just sick and tired of being afraid. Guess I'm just venting!

 

[garden]

I can totally relate. The first time I was in therapy I spilled everything, I mean everything, in all it's painful detail too. It was ugly. I only scheduled therapy on my day off, and I often took the day after therapy off too, or I scheduled myself so that the next day I only worked in the evening. Therapy is exhausting. Since then, when I have seen a therapist I did not go through my whole story like I did with my first one. I give them the gist and I try to focus on gaining solutions. I feel that I've been fortunate because the couple of therapists that I have seen (short term) were understanding of my desire to focus on gaining skills, and talking about the present more than the past. I think you really have to know what it is you expect to get from therapy. The first time I was in therapy I was kind of passive, and the therapist led me, but now I lead.

It's always hard to start therapy again. I just started again too, and have only had one session. We are each unique, and what works for one may not work for the next one.

Venting is always good.

 

[garden]

BTW, have you tried using PTSDCoach? It's an app available for apple or android.

 

[Jane.l]

It's all so fustrating, i can't seem to 'do' therapy because I can't talk much at the moment, I disociate even thinking about talking about 'things' - but I can't cope on my own. So yeah feels like you're stuck in a loop and I am not sure how we move forwards, I guess we just have to keep trying.

 

[GWhizz]

Thanks @Lewa I think sparing the details this time maybe the way forward. I wonder if asking my new T to contact my old one to get a bit of a history may help? Or should I just let it play out from here?

Haven't tried the app but will look into it thanks.

Yes @Jane.l I moved on because I was so stuck with my old T. I guess there's now this fear of it happening again, something I can't control by worrying about of course. I just see the same pattern already - I start off all talkative about generic stuff that isn't an issue , then we broach heavy stuff and I panic. We only skimmed some very very light issues yesterday and I shut down completely again, sigh.

 

[Jane.l]

I do exactly the same - it's hard to know what to do, keep it light and try not to get frustrated? And go really really slowly - I feel like I have been doing that for a least 6mths and if anything it's become more of a 'thing' and got worse. I admire your courage in starting again to try and get unstuck, I am not feeling brave enough to that right now and I think the problem is me not my T. Maybe we are just understandably impatient? I don't know .

 

[GWhizz]

Yes definitely impatient! I had to change for financial reasons also which gives me a bit of extra regret and 'what if' wondering could I maybe have gotten through with my old T. I just don't know if I can do another year of feeling like I'm just spinning my wheels.