New To Dissociation

[lala]

I have recently come to realize that I have dissociative memories from high school that involve being kidnapped and gang raped in a van. I only know about these things because I have been drawing them. They make sense and explain a lot of things. I am having a hard time dealing with this new knowledge and accepting them as reality. I am in therapy and to my therapist they make perfect sense. To the other people in my life, not so much. I do not want to explain them because the feel so fragile. As these things come up, I feel like they are making my life worse. I only hope that in the long run, they make it better.

In a nutshell (if that is possible) My mom died when I was a teen. I was left with a neglectful father who didn't feed me. I had an abusive boyfriend who raped me on several occasions, but also fed me. I was bullied and ostracized at school. The only person I had to put things in context was my older brother who was developing Schizophrenia... I was later kidnapped and raped by friends of my boyfriend who told me it was because I said the boyfriend had raped me, etc.

I feel so STUPID that this is still part of my life many years later. I am afraid that I am crazy like my brother (who has made up recovered memories about all sorts of crazy) I am mad that I put myself in that situation, etc. I don't know what I want here, maybe just to find someone who has been through something similar....

 

[safenow]

Hi Lala,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I know how difficult it can be to try to move past our past. I'm glad to hear you have a good therapist. I hope they are a "trauma" therapist. They can give you a lot of good ways to cope.

As for being like your brother, don't even allow that to enter your mind. Your trauma is a lot different than what he is going through. I"m sorry to hear he has that type of problem. I hope he is on the right medications, so he can get it under control.

I hate to tell you this, but there are no medications for PTSD. Although, if you are very anxious they can give you something to help with that. But first and foremost, you need to do the work in healing. Is is a slow process, but very much worth it.

Take your time, and look around. There are a lot of wonderful people here that are more than willing to listen, or even offer some good advice. Take what works, leave the rest. Be kind to yourself. And above all, don't forget to breathe.

See you around the forum,
safenow

 

[franciemarnie]

I am sorry you are going thru so much right now and I am glad you are in therapy with someone who validates your experience.

I find that traumas reveal themselves in their own time and only when the psyche is ready, and we can't necessarily dictate the terms of its manifestation, duration of symptoms, etc.

The more you learn about PTSD, the more you will understand how trauma effects the brain and our bodies. Then you won't feel stupid.

But I think I get why you are saying that - I hated that I couldn't just bury the thing once and for all when I was 25, then 30, then 35, then... But it wouldn't go away because I hadn't dealt with it. Hopefully therapy and all the other ways you learn to heal will help significantly. But I know it feels so bad.

You are blaming the victim when you blame yourself for putting yourself in the situation. If you knew what was going to happen, you wouldn't have been there. It's like blaming a murder victim for not psychically viewing the intention of her murderer or something.

But I empathize with your distress. You are in the right place. Sending healing wishes to you.