Hi All,
I am new here and hope I will be able to find some understanding here as well as perhaps lend a hand to others once in a while. My CPTSD (labels are always so questionable but it's the best that seems to fit) most likely stems from prolonged torture and rape by a mentally ill step-brother from the age of 3 to 13, in addition to multiple abandonments as a child, exposure to a very vicious murder by my perpetrator, ongoing neglect and continual instability in housing.
As a child, I was quite disturbed - school avoidance, often sick, anxious and defiant. As a young teen, I did the whole 'bad girl' thing and had my first child at 16 (followed later by 3 more). Throughout my youth I joined numerous anti-social groups where I was, naturally, a sitting duck and was re-victimised many times. I was thought to have BPD, APD and GAD at various times. In the end, despite the horror around me, my parents did try in many ways to get me help and I believe the neglect and instability were due more to them being a part of the hippy counter-culture than actually not caring- so I had some lucky things to aid me along. Anyway, as a young adult I eventually ended up marrying my first child's father for 10 years (stormy as you can imagine) and having a second child with him. Later, a friend raped me and I ended up having a child from this. My marriage broke down and I ended up hospitalised to get off anxiolytics. I met my second husband straight out of rehab (I know I know- stupid!) and of course he ended up being a severe abuser. We had one child together, whom I took with me when he threatened myself, my daughter and our son with death.
Many years later, I have managed to pull myself comparatively together after some great help from friends I met when I went back to University and then after about 18 months, found a wonderful and loving man whom I hope to marry.
My main problem right now is that I am having extreme stress reactions, panic attacks and it is threatening my studies and my relationship. I am so scared I will ruin it all after all of this hard work and struggle! I am doing honors in Psychology and am having quite a lot of triggers as you can imagine, but it means a great deal to me to overcome this and manage to go on. I know I may have to limit myself to doing a PhD as I am not sure I'll EVER be stable enough to work with clients, but would love to do the doctorate. Of course, I want to work on the treatment of trauma- it is my passion and helps me to overcome what happened to me.
Sorry for the long intro and I do hope someone out there can help me; I have gone back to the Dr but don't want to see a colleague so am going to a psychiatrist rather than a psychologist. Problem is there's a waiting list of MONTHS and I am feeling like I'm falling apart....
Best To All,
WF
I am new here and hope I will be able to find some understanding here as well as perhaps lend a hand to others once in a while. My CPTSD (labels are always so questionable but it's the best that seems to fit) most likely stems from prolonged torture and rape by a mentally ill step-brother from the age of 3 to 13, in addition to multiple abandonments as a child, exposure to a very vicious murder by my perpetrator, ongoing neglect and continual instability in housing.
As a child, I was quite disturbed - school avoidance, often sick, anxious and defiant. As a young teen, I did the whole 'bad girl' thing and had my first child at 16 (followed later by 3 more). Throughout my youth I joined numerous anti-social groups where I was, naturally, a sitting duck and was re-victimised many times. I was thought to have BPD, APD and GAD at various times. In the end, despite the horror around me, my parents did try in many ways to get me help and I believe the neglect and instability were due more to them being a part of the hippy counter-culture than actually not caring- so I had some lucky things to aid me along. Anyway, as a young adult I eventually ended up marrying my first child's father for 10 years (stormy as you can imagine) and having a second child with him. Later, a friend raped me and I ended up having a child from this. My marriage broke down and I ended up hospitalised to get off anxiolytics. I met my second husband straight out of rehab (I know I know- stupid!) and of course he ended up being a severe abuser. We had one child together, whom I took with me when he threatened myself, my daughter and our son with death.
Many years later, I have managed to pull myself comparatively together after some great help from friends I met when I went back to University and then after about 18 months, found a wonderful and loving man whom I hope to marry.
My main problem right now is that I am having extreme stress reactions, panic attacks and it is threatening my studies and my relationship. I am so scared I will ruin it all after all of this hard work and struggle! I am doing honors in Psychology and am having quite a lot of triggers as you can imagine, but it means a great deal to me to overcome this and manage to go on. I know I may have to limit myself to doing a PhD as I am not sure I'll EVER be stable enough to work with clients, but would love to do the doctorate. Of course, I want to work on the treatment of trauma- it is my passion and helps me to overcome what happened to me.
Sorry for the long intro and I do hope someone out there can help me; I have gone back to the Dr but don't want to see a colleague so am going to a psychiatrist rather than a psychologist. Problem is there's a waiting list of MONTHS and I am feeling like I'm falling apart....
Best To All,
WF
