New to PTSD - Adopted, Abusive Mother, Raped by Brother

[Nam]

Great job on cleaning! You got further than I did.

My self-esteem is really beat down. When my husband tells me I'm beautiful and tells me that no matter what I do he'll always be there for me and that he's not going to leave me, I don't believe it. I really want to, honestly, but that voice in my head reminds me how I can't be worth anything to anyone or else what happened to me wouldn't have happened.

I could have written this post. In fact, I could have written it yesterday.....
From thinking about this continuously since yesterday, my wisdom (haha) tells me that what we (you and me and maybe others) have a problem with accepting unconditional love because it wasn't given during impressionable years (childhood). Therefore, we have a hard time giving it and understanding it in return.

I can remember as a kid just wanting the approval of my parents. I had it from my neighbors and teachers, but I just wanted it from my parents. And I never got it.

Here is an example of conditional love. When they only approve of you when you do well. This would be what Anna calls "a character trait based on performance." In fact, I think you should do Anna's assignment. Some of us are still working on it.

Here it is:

My friend has given me an "assignment" and it is a toughy!

He has asked me to look inside mysef and list 5 things that make me valuble.

There are 2 rules : They can't be based on your performance, and they can't be based on what others think of you.

He says if you don't come up with an answer, it says a lot.

Chew on that for a while and see if you can come up with some answers.

After my mother's funeral, I was talking with one of her friends. She commented to me how proud of me both of my parents were. I can remember screaming at her, "Then why didn't they ever tell me that??!!!??!?!"

You know, I used to be the same way. But I've come to understand that my mother will never say it to my face. She will brag and brag to her friends how wonderful her daughter is, but will never say so in my face. That's because she is saying it for her benefit when she tells her friends. But if she says it to me, it's for my benefit. It is comforting to know that she does care for me, even though it's through other people. This may not be the case for you, though Kim.

Wow, this is a long post. Work on your homework!:smile:

 

[piglet]

I can remember as a kid just wanting the approval of my parents. I had it from my neighbors and teachers, but I just wanted it from my parents. And I never got it. I really tried to be a good kid - never got in trouble, always got really good grades in school (probably overcompensating), never talked back (too afraid). When I would bring my report card home, if it had all A's and 1 B, no one would ever say, "Hey great job!". Instead they always focused on the B, asking me why I didn't do better.

OMG Kim, I could have written that! I once got 110% in a college test because I picked up more bonus marks that I got wrong answers. My dad just said "why not 120%?". Kind of burst my bubble that did! It wasn't the first time either. In our house, my brothers were paid cash in exchange for getting good grades (From A to E). I was punished for bad ones (C or lower). Don't you just love level playing fields?

 

[kimG]

Piglet, there was never such a thing in our house as a level playing field. The cards were always stacked against me (or so it seems to me). As I stated in my first post, my brother came home throwing-up drunk at 11 and nothing happened to him; my mother just put him to bed. He would regularly go out and stay out till all hours of the night, coming home usually sometime after 2 or 3 a.m., waking us all up in the process. Me? If I wasn't home by 10 on nights when I went out my mother came looking for me. If I wanted to go to a party it wasn't enough for her to talk with the parents of the kid having it; she would actually show up! It became a joke around my friends; they would take bets on what time she would be there.

She had this rule for me, that I couldn't be alone in a car with a guy until I was 16. I dated the really great guy all through high school; he turned 16 in January and I didn't until August. We both got really tired of still having to be driven around during the time in between our birthdays, so one night I told my mother I didn't care what she said, I was going. She, of course, said, "No you're not!" Being 16 and knowing it all and her being an adult not knowing anything (you know how teenagers think), I was bound and determined to go. When he showed up she and I got into the biggest fight right there in front of him (verbal from me, physical from her). I can remember that she had these really long fingernails because when the fight was over my entire back was torn up from her digging them into my skin! My t-shirt was bloody and my back stung really bad. My boyfriend didn't know what to think about all of this but he knew better than to take me anywhere; we sat on the front lawn - him quietly, me crying - until it was dark. Looking back I can only imagine what was going on in his head...

The day I turned 16, the "sentence" was lifted, but the damage was already done.

When my brother and I got into a fight, she would put us both in time-out. He was always let out of it after just a few minutes, but I had to stay there the whole time and even got extra time if I tried so much as to get out of the chair she sat me in. If he got a C on his report card, she was ecstatic. When he got a girl pregnant, she believed him that it wasn't his kid, although as his kid grew up an idiot would know whose kid it was; poor thing was beautiful but looked just like him. Boy, I could go on and on... Of course, I do feel some sense of justice, now that he's in the "BIG HOUSE"...LOL.:tongue:

Haven't done anything on my list from yesterday, but that's okay! Fortunately, it's nothing that is pressing at the present time.

Keep smiling...:smile:

Kim

 

[piglet]

When he got a girl pregnant, she believed him that it wasn't his kid,

I think our brothers went to the same school!!!! Only difference, was that my brother stood reluctantly by his girlfriend until the baby was born, then threatened trouble if she claimed child support and dumped her. My mum actually stayed in touch and helped her out, giving her money and saying it was from my brother. The trouble came when the ex-girlfriend actually saw him and asked if she could have some money and he wasn't particularly forthcoming!!!

My neice is a great kid. Just entered her teens and is going to be trouble!! My brother actually started having her over for weekends. He married and they have a 3 year old. My sis-in-law (perfectly nice, just very bad taste in men) wants the two half-sisters to know each other. Trouble is, they stick to their usual routine - his routine - which is not exactly fun for a 13 year-old! My brother is into power-lifting. An excellent past-time for someone who can't control his temper! He was bought a fantastic weight-lifting bench and set for his 11th birthday. Really great idea. Lets help the lunatic psycho make himself stronger so he can hit people even harder.:dontknow:

Take the time to look after you Kim. It's a hard thing to do, so you have to practice plenty! :tongue:

 

[YoungAndAngry]

It sucks that I have it, it sucks that anyone has it. It sucks for so many reasons, not the least of which is that none of us HAS to have it; it sucks that it is SO avoidable yet occurs so often. And that there is one of the biggest reasons I still go into rages. Not the only one, mind you, but one of the biggest.

Oh I agree.... it sucks!
Well said Kim!

Ummm...I forgot what I was going to say. Gee, does that sound familiar? It happens so many times to me. I'm a teacher and sometimes I am in front of one of my classes and my mind goes blank. I end up feeling stupid about standing there with nothing to say so I say something totally off-base to make the students laugh.

Wicked, you must be a great teacher :)
And great job on being able to "recover" so well from "memory glitches"
That the best thing to do... just play it off so it's not a big deal
Heck, it's not abnormal for me to walk into a room to do/get something...
...suddenly have no idea why I was there... or what I was looking for...
so I leave, only to return a few moments later searching for the same item.
It's a cycle... lol... I should start writing my task on post-its so I know what I'm doing

Am I the only one who has constantly been filled with dread?

NO, you are most definatly not alone in that feeling.
I can tell you that it does go away after awhile...
doesn't mean it won't return, but it's something you have to work at.

I am NOT crazy!!! :smile:

Nope, either am I
(or so my invisiable friend tells me) :crazy-eye

just kidding about the invisable friend... thought I'd lighten the mood.



Welcome and glad you have you here!!!!

 

[YoungAndAngry]

oh and the question about having close friends??
I have never seen nor met any of the people I consider closest to me...
not to creep anyone out... but that's right,
the people in this forum together have become my best friend.

Other than this forum...
I don't socialize
Just can't trust anyone

 

[Nam]

I agree that it is very hard to make friends. There are a few out there...and I believe they are worth finding.....

 

[piglet]

Trust issues suck when it comes to having friends. On the other hand, we have all learned the hard way that some people cannot be trusted. It's a huge challenge to face, but one good friend is worth a hundred fake ones.

 

[Nam]

You said it, Piglet. Well said.

 

[kimG]

Amen, Piglet. Honestly, though...I don't have time for the fake ones.

I do, however, have acquaintances as I'm sure most of us do. They are mostly the people I work with. I would NEVER discuss any of this with them!

 

[anthony]

Wow, Anthony. Thanks for hitting me over the head! :hit-boss: I mean that in a good way.

Your welcome. We all need it Kim... I certainly did, and my wife certainly gave it too me. I knew the answers, but did the same things, and looked straight past them, and presumed everything was much more difficult than it actually was. Life is a very simple thing, we only choose to make it harder through our own physical and mental projections.

I've spent a while trying to work on it and, from what I can tell, lack of control/power and sarcasm seems to trigger it the most. I've tried to explain this to my husband and he'll remember it for a while but then something will happen and he'll react sarcastically and there I am again, getting angry. He really is trying but, like all of us, sometimes he takes more steps backwards than forwards.

Now your talking. There are always underpinning factors stemming emotions that cause anger. Find them, fix them, and anger is no longer a problem. Spouses are sometimes the cause, but more often than not, generally the person who cops our abuse for no real apparent reason, or a reason we rather find to help ourselves find relevancy to our actions. Spouses do play a significant role in our general day to day attitudes, even though they find it hard to accept, it is true. My wife has certainly made limitations on certain things to help me cope better, though it had to also be give and take, not just give from her, and you must take that into account also Kim. This stuff is now getting down into normal relationship aspects, though we generally find it hard to differentiate them when PTSD is involved. Spouses also get confused with this, as they think everything is PTSD related, when in actual fact some issues are nothing more than normal relationship issues, that every couple endure regardless of whether PTSD is present or not. The best way to find them all if unsure is ask other couples. It is often then just the level, or intensity, that PTSD often has a significant factor within, not the actual issue itself.

Now you have a few of the issues isolated in regard to what is stemming your anger, now you need to break them down into what is normal relationship parts, and what are PTSD parts, ie. intensity or actual issue itself. Write them here if you want help from everyone, as more opinions and experience often help us to quickly assimilate what is normal, and what is PTSD.

My self-esteem is really beat down. When my husband tells me I'm beautiful and tells me that no matter what I do he'll always be there for me and that he's not going to leave me, I don't believe it.

This is a problem in itself Kim, and very understandable as a common aspect of PTSD. I think everything I could tell you on where to start, I have posted in this [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread79.html"]self esteem[/DLMURL] thread already.

Today was a good day, smiling more than frowning. So good, in fact, that I was motivated to not only do the laundry, but also clean clothes out of the drawers and closets to be given away to Goodwill. :thumbs-up Talk about a big job! Tomorrow if I feel up to it I'm going to spray weedkiller, mow the small patch of lawn we have, and if time permits, stack some firewood.

Positive actions and thoughts already is a good sign Kim, that your starting to accept more of what is going on, and in time things will come together. You will have many more ups and downs with PTSD, though its just the measure and duration of them that will get much better.