Relationship New To Relationship And Ptsd

[Ali]

I am a wreck... I have lost all hope in what we once had. I am not angry anymore.. I have given up hope. Thank you for your kind and caring words~

 

[seedling]

Oh Ali, you have been so wonderful and good to him. He's at his limit and can't cope, even with a wonderful relationship like the one you can offer. It's his reality and it sucks.

Anger is a HUGE symptom of PTSD, lashing out at those we are closest to. It takes much work in therapy to overcome this for many sufferers.

I seem to see this pattern over and over in situations like yours. The wonderful beginning, with intimate understanding and sharing etc. Then some difficulties, eventually the implosion on the PTSDer's side. Like it's a back-pedaling from something that has become too frightening.

I'm beginning to think that falling in love causes a temporary cessation of PTSD symptoms, a feeling that this new relationship will be a door to being more well and whole. There may be posts by sufferers on here that have gone through the other side of this that can shed more light on the whole thing.

I find with my PTSD that I find it very hard to share my pain with others, esp. when I'm in the middle of it, in a way that would lessen it. When I'm having a tough time, that's the hardest time to reach out for any support that would make it easier. That tends to increase it all.

If he gets in touch with you again you could discuss setting boundaries, what you won't put up with. If he can't do it or work it out in therapy somehow, you will know now rather than later.

Take care of yourself and the kids, hope you have some nice spring thing to lift you up a little.

 

[becvan]

Tonight I pushed... I knew when I was doing it, that it was probably the wrong move. It was. I called and he ignored it ( i knew from the timing) I then sent him a text. I asked him was he trying to make me mad? His response hurt. Again 'yelling'. "STOP!! I ahve a lot of f*%^ing sh!t going on right now! I will see you and text you when I am ready! Quit texting and calling!"

I am sorry you are hurt however, what the hell did you expect to happen? You knew (by your words quoted above) that this was the wrong thing to do. You knew you were pushing him. You knew you were disrespecting his boundaries. He asked to to leave him alone so you did the exact opposite. Although I don't agree with the swearing part, what he did was the right thing to do (just in the wrong way) which was to reassert his boundaries.

You knew he had two deaths to deal with, on top of PTSD, and the only thing you were worried about was yourself. TIme to look in a mirror. I do get that how he handled this was not appropriate but you were not appropriate either.

I know this is very harsh but really, when your sufferer needs space, give it to them or this is exactly what happens.

bec

 

[Redheaded Stranger]

Becvan,

I've had to battle with myself for the last 3 weeks not to badger my boyfriend who is isolating but it is extremely difficult. Your message above is harsh but true and sometimes we need to hear the truth. So, thanks for being "Queen of the Blunt!" Sometimes we need to hear that which we do not want to hear. My boyfriend thanks you for at least 1 additional day of peace because I was very near to texting him today.

Red

 

[seedling]

Being in a relationship with someone with PTSD is very different than with a "normal" person. It's also difficult in different ways when you are just beginning a relationship as opposed to having been married to the person - knowing them before it started.

I guess,Ali, it's up to you to decide what you need in a relationship and how much you are willing to "compromise" to work around the PTSD symptoms. What bec said is true.

How long are you willing to wait without communication if he needs space? If you guys work things out maybe you could come up with a smoother system of communication during these times.

Take care.

 

[Ali]

His "boundaries' are completely unacceptable. Add more fuel to the flame, his not quite ex-wife is pregnant...I guess he is really messed up by that too. The only contacat he has had with me since his cursing text was to tell me that. No, it is not his. Yes, I am positive. He is NOT a liar.
How long can I wait? I don't know...if I knew he still wanted to be with me, I could wait for months. I am ususally passive, caring and understanding.
His mom has been out of town for a few weeks (did i mention he is a mommas boy?). He has started drinking heavy again (according to FB) and at times puts up songs that him and I share just between us. How many 34 year olds really know John Prine? ...and of course Otis Redding.
I have thought about making a 'bitch move' as my male best friend calls it, and calling his mom. (His mom is his confidant) I am genuinely more concerned for him, than our relationship. He has never isolated this long..well since I have been with him.
I also need closure. If he is done, I <-------- yes I, ME, SELFISH (go ahead and bash) need to know that he is done. The confusion from his last comprehendable text, 3 weeks ago, was I love you, I am in love with you, I don't want to quit you I just need to find out where you fit.
And I disagree with Queen of the Blunt.. no. 1 ignored phone call followed by a text was NOT too much. Yes I posted I pushed, but in hindsight ~he knew that I knew he was isolating. He told me he would contact me in a few days... I waited 10 days! 2 attempted contacts was NOT too much.
Right now I don't give a flying fart for the backlash I am sure I will receive. I am completely and totally in love with a man who has PTSD. If I try to contact him, I am being selfish. He knows me... he knows my psyche and how I work. Yes... back to ME!!! When he is normal he tells the most beautiful things.. what the hell, here it goes. He tells me how he likes who he is when he is with me. How I make him feel better. The few things he has opened up to me about seem to not be so unbearable. He takes my way of viewing the world and sees things from my perspective. I am his joy and sunshine and he has never met someone who can make a gray day beautiful and full of life.
I have never given him advice! I listen and when he asks my opinion about 'how could a mother beat her child to death' I think carefully and answer with my heart. Sometimes I would think out loud and he listens to my thought process, which he would tell me was amazing. He said he loved the way I see things.. forget black/white/gray... I see the world in every way imaginable.
I CANT fix him.. I know that, and I won't try. I hate not knowing where I stand, the last comprehendable texts I accidently deleted or else I would have posted for analysis... yes I know...selfish.
Does he remember me?
okay.. sorry admins, usually I am a little more eloquent and organized. Go ahead sufferers, bash away, carers tell me if I am feeling 'normal' or if I am going insane. ~Ali~

 

[Ali]

ahhh!!! Question for suferers.. he was already in isolation due to 2 deaths back to back when he found out "ex" wife pregnant. They tried for so long for their son... can this news extend a isolation period? I assume yes, but I would feel better knowing for sure.

 

[seedling]

No bashing here. I wanted to say more to you but have had a rough patch myself since you last wrote. I'm glad to see your posts. Sounds like he's hit a wall. I really can't imagine going through what you are right now - the complete opposite messages you've gotten and you knowing what you both can mean to each other.

I was wondering if you had contacted his mother. Can't give an opinion on whether it's the "right" thing to do but it sounded like she tries to have a lot of input. I'm sure she was happy to see how happy he was around you.

If his isolation is the result of him suffering and trying to deal with overwhelming sypmtoms then I would also assume that the pregnancy could add to that. When the symptoms will abate, how quickly etc.. Who knows? Sorry to hear he's drinking.

You hang in there. Sending you some hugs. I think you're normal rather than insane but it bet it feels the other way around.

 

[Ali]

I have not contacted his mother... and yes she saw how he was with me. A kinder, softer side you could say, and told me directly how good it was to hear him laugh again. He has told her everything from day one, and I don't want her to betray his trust. She is still out of town, and I don't know when she will be coming back.
Yeah, the drinking... I can't judge. I guess it's his attempt to self medicate. "to each his own".
PTSD is what caused his divorce. She refused to try to understand. I am trying to understand~ I came here, right? She didn't believe in him. I not only believe in him, but I find him to be one of the most beautiful souls I have ever met.
He has openly compared us before, and she won some, and I won some! I am not the jealous type. uggghhh I could keep going , but it is past bedtime. So Seed, do I contact his mom when she gets back? Thanks ~Ali
p.s. fyi.. she has better (thicker) hair and prettier toenails~~ I won everything else ;)

 

[seedling]

I really couldn't say about contacting his mom. You could send a simple message of concern and even that could backfire on you.

As I saw in one of amethist's posts - it's a learning curve for supporters. You're on the steep part.

His initial period of relief from so many symptoms simply by having a new and wonderful relationship may be wearing off and now it's up to him to figure out how he will fit that relationship into everything. Hopefully he'll make a way for you to be a support to his life and enjoy what you have to offer each other.

Drinking is self-medicating but alcohol is also a depressant and can make PTSD worse. In the long run it can be sabotaging to real healing.

PTSD is good at causing divorces for many otherwise wonderful people (on both sides of it). Maybe she got tired of trying to believe there was enough of him left/that he would heal enough/that she could keep on going to stay.

Have you continued to read other people's threads about their experiences? I'm certain you're not the only one who's been here.

Let us know how it's going. Take care.

 

[Ali]

giggling to myself... sorry! I hate being the expendable 'thing' to let go of. I am going to hold off on the mom right now, because I am pretty sure it will backfire.. I will give him another week or two before doing that.
I also know the alcohol is not helping.. especially when he recognizes it is a problem too. I am not anti drinking, but really he is extreme. I can't even say hi to him right now, much less beat him over the head with a empty bottle of scotch. *I wouldn't do that anyway.. just matter of speech* He is not perfect, as a matter of fact he has a list of flaws a mile long... but to me he is imperfectly perfect.
He did say this..April 26 at 9:29pm
im going through a bunch of shit, be a friend. i cant do more, im done emotionally. give me time and i will talk
** does that mean he is done forever? or for now he can't handle us? I didn't respond back. Thought I would have answers...then he sent me im about "ex" being preggo. He was drunk.. it was 0530 and he said ttyl.
I think he is done for good. But then I think I am a stress (good or bad) that he can eliminate at will so he can try to heal. He didn't have to im me.. he didn't have to send the above message so is this his way of saying..'dammit woman, bare with me!"?
On top of that I will say the weather has been completely wretched... rainy and cold, which I know for a fact depresses me and him both. We have had rain all but 3 out of the last 45 days which is not the norm. A compilation of winter blues, rainy blues, ptsd, some lucky sob that knocks up his ex wife on the accidental first shot and back to back deaths. Yes.. I am expendible. I can handle that. WHat I can't handle is not knowing if he is done or not.
Alright.. going to grab my bucket and bang my head against the concrete wall for a little bit! lol ~Ali

 

[Ali]

WOW!! A absolute TON of rather positive stuff has happened :) For some unknown reason he decided to contact me about 3 weeks after my last post. Immediate intensity again and this time I didn't just let everything go. I did drive 3 1/2 hours and as he greeted me with his beyond awesome hugs I pulled away. He looked at me and knew he had to win me back, even though I dropped everything and was standing right in front of him. The words I asked him as I was pushing away.." Where do you go sweets?"
Long story short~ that was it. He has had some major disruptions, and instead of isolating talked with me. I NEVER gave advice, just listened. He also told me he is terrified of me. His mother told me he is terrified of me. Not necessarily me, but the way he feels about me. Again intensity, and it is rather terrifying!
He also told me if he EVER shuts down again I need to show up, no matter what he says in text..lol. He gives me so much credit for 'understanding the shut downs' and I give all the credit to the wonderful friends I have met on here. Thanks for everything!!~Ali