Supporter New To The Forum. Very Confused

[Dark Phoenix Rising]

ISupportHer

Thanks for the response. It was well delivered. Repeated attempts to help or even just be there with/for her have backfired. She keeps finding reasons to hate me and keep me at a distance. The reasons do not exist, but to her they are real. I can't seem to reason. Even with the restraining order she kept me just near enough.

We went to have it cancelled but it was too late in the day. I gathered things from our home and she kissed and hug me. Then I allowed her to go through my phone and she saw I had talked to my friend. Immediately she was back on the defensive. She now believes I want more from my friend (a friend I have known for several years and are strictly platonic). She now has told me she would like to go our separate ways (because she can't trust me).

She has stopped responding to my messages. Nothing seems to get through to her. As reading your response I realized it's time to stop putting myself out there. I've got to stop reaching out. I'm going crazy inside as it is. I will always be here if she does try to respond, but until then.

You make a good point, I hope she gets what she wants, too.

 

[Pinkcake]

I have your same tendency to need the last word when I'm sure my point is correct. That's a burden to carry for sure.

I'm the PTSD sufferer so I can't really advise you on your relationship status but I can tell you that you need to be very VERY careful being in contact with her while she has a restraining order or order of protection. All it will take is one argument where she calls the police and reports you for harassing her (even if you were not) and YOU will be in jail with charges against you. I would keep my distance until the order expires or she has it revoked.

 

[Abstract]

I've got to stop reaching out. I'm going crazy inside as it is. I will always be here if she does try to respond, but until then.

Phoenix, this is all that you can do. No amount of contact can fix this unfortunately. It will just make it worse.

I want to mention that when I said you "put your hands on her" I did not think you hit or were aggressive in that way. From what I understand you took her saying that you should sit her down and speak to her when she is triggered in a literal sense and you physically sat her down. And you physically stopped her from getting out of a moving car which I understand. I was merely explaining what you already know. That regardless of your motives this might be something that takes some work for her to get past.

I also want to say that it seems she is controlling you and undermining you and if she does get back into contact you need to have some ways to manage this. If you have not seen a therapist yet I would recommend it. It may help you work out how set boundaries appropriately in this situation.

I absolutely agree that knowledge is power and understand that you are able to do things different as a result of understanding better.

She has stopped responding to my messages

Just something to consider - were you the one initiating contact via text after the restraining order?

 

[Dark Phoenix Rising]

Thanks everyone for the input and the support. Abstract, I did not think negatively when you said "put your hands on her". I did not mean it negatively or controlling, but I do completely see how it can be interpreted that way. To fill in gaps... I was texting her after she did the order (unaware). I stopped after served and began receiving emails. They were angry emails but emails none the less.

She has begun to talk to me again and has made it clear that she wants a relationship again. She is removing the order, but she is worried about what her family will think/do. They do not know what she has gone through so she doesn't think they'll understand (I still don't fully understand). When she talks about it she'll say it was nothing and horrifying in the same sentence. I just tell her we'll take it one day at a time and we'll get through it. She also is swearing by counseling, something I loved hearing because we tried before and it lasted one visit. She wasn't ready to face herself.

From what I understand you took her saying that you should sit her down and speak to her when she is triggered in a literal sense and you physically sat her down.

These were my intentions, though I do not believe I did this correctly, and in the heat of the moment I most likely did this more aggressively than intended. You say "speak to her literally". This is something I think she likes the least! I am much more of a logically thinker, so I tend to think that if we can talk it out then things can get better. That somehow if I can talk to her from a different point of view then she may see things differently. Not about her past (mainly because I don't fully understand her past and don't want her to relive anything painful), but about things she may believe she's going through now. This seems to anger her more. But I'm too stubborn, and, when I feel that I'm right or making a point she should notice, it's hard for me to shut up.

I lost my job so it's getting difficult to find therapy that I can afford. She has started her own and has said she is willing to pay for our couples therapy so help us both. I know I have got to find therapy for myself, too, though. Otherwise we will never get out of this circle.

I do believe she is finally realizing I am not with her to bring her harm, or even to "save" her. I believe she is realizing I am here because I do love her and want us both to be happy. We are taking it very slow again. We are not living together as I am staying at my dads. This does worry me because she has had trust issues from the start, but maybe this will help her with that.

I also want to say that it seems she is controlling you and undermining you

Absolutely, and I don't know how to but I need to bring this up in therapy. Until then I make sure to find other ways to show her that no matter what she may think, she is getting what she wants. It is difficult for me because I do not want to be controlled myself, just like she was afraid of. I am somewhat afraid of anyone talking to me in fear of her taking it the wrong way. I don't think she wants control of me, though. She more so wants control of her situation, and she feels she has to take it at all costs. I guess I don't know how to show her that she already has it.

You all have been wonderful. Very therapeutic, honestly. I can't thank you enough. And I will continue to come back here for more information and to "vent" as often as possible, or as long as the moderator lets me as I apparently have horrible grammar! Thank you very much for all input and I will keep it all in consideration as I learn more.

I must say, half of this really has been knowledge. Now, as I will (hopefully) never understand the feelings, I believe I have a much better grasp on the mental side of things. If these things ever happened to me I must ssay I would not know how to deal with it.

Thanks again

 

[Whitneys story]

Hi, From what I have read I can't see where she is diagnosed. Does she have a therapist? Does she have family support or are they the cause.

You both sound like good people. A fresh start as friends developing friendship might allow both of you to begin the journey.

Have you shown her the site? It is a very informative place, no one is judged and it is safe. Please look into the difference of the supporter vs suffer area's. And the "New Members Rules" they are very simple and keep us safe!

I wish you success with your journey! Hugs if you accept them, Whitney :)

 

[Dark Phoenix Rising]

Whitneys story,

Yes, she is now aware of the site. She was diagnosed years ago., and she has just gotten back into therapy. She generally does not go to family as she fears they wont understand.

Thanks!