General New To This– How To Be As Supportive As Possible To My Boyfriend?

[-em-]

So I'm only a senior in high school. My boyfriend's recently been diagnosed with PTSD (he hasn't told me this outright, but he was out of school for 3 months for daily out-patient therapy and was in in-patient care for a week or two, and he told me it was because of stress and anxiety from some of the trauma he's endured in his past, triggered by his parents court battle these past few months, so I mean I suppose it could be something besides PTSD but it seemed like that's what he was trying to hint at, and it seems to fit him).

We've been good friends for about a year or so, and have been "on-and-off" dating for around six months. This on and off due to his mental state, and a)me being scared it's going to get worse, and not sure if I want to commit to someone so unstable, or b) him withdrawing completely (no contact at all) for 2-4ish days at a time, during which time of course I texted him worriedly at least once every day.

At that point I believed he was depressed or something, he sounded really suicidal I thought and didn't know what else would cause this behavior, but then he'd feel terrible afterwards and say he "doesn't deserve me" and I "could do better" and all that nonsense.

Anyways, since he's been back and school (and in a somewhat better state of mind), we've been steadily dating (so like 3 months now). Anyways, while things have been better thanks to his improvement and an increase of understanding on my part of what he's going through, things are still rough some times...so I have a few things to ask for advice on, if anyone could give any sort of insight I'd be so grateful :happy:

-When he withdraws for more than a day, is it better to completely let him be, or text him once or twice to let him know I'm thinking about him & hopes he feels better soon?

-How to respond when he tells me stuff about his past or current traumatizing experiences? I've never been good at talking to people about emotional things, whether about me or them...but I do make sure he knows I'm here if he needs to talk, and he does come to me occasionally but I always feel bad because the only response I can ever think of is "): I'm sorry.../:" or something like that.

-How to let go of things he's said in the past to me? Like when he was in a terrible state 4ish months ago, he told me stuff like "You know I hate you right? Don't take it personally though, I hate everyone." & "Why do you put up with me when you know I hate you?" as well as calling me quite a few derogatory curses and such. He's told me he doesn't really hate me once or twice since, and I know that he was in a bad state of mind, but sometimes it still really bothers me...any advice on how to let stuff like that go?

-How to stop feeling bad about myself when he starts getting mentally unstable & pissed off sounding then doesn't talk to me for a few days? I always feel terrible about myself for some reason, and then sometimes if I'm having a really difficult day of my own (I generally feel the need to talk to someone about the worst ones, but I don't really have much support among my friends & family members..) I'll get really upset at him for making me feel like that & shoot off an angry text– which obviously is not good for him, and I always end up regretting.

Any input is greatly appreciated, even if it doesn't directly answer me! I just want to know what I can about this please.:) Thank you so much!

 

[PeekieBlue]

Hi em, there's loads of threads on here to read. Go to supporters section and scan through and I am sure you will find all the advice you need. Remember, it's not all just about him though, it's good to care about someone else but you can only do this properly if you look after yourself. Take care and good luck x

 

[Sunshine71]

Hi Em

I just wanted to wish you all the best - at such a young age it really is a challenge for you and your boyfriend too.

Research and see what works for you and BF too.

After being married for nearly 20 years and very happy the past 3 years the PTSD has really flared up and even after such a long time I can say I wish for a 'normal' kind of life and am wiped out with it all.

This is a wonderful place and the people are incredible.

With love Sunshine

 

[Dallas]

he told me stuff like "You know I hate you right? Don't take it personally though, I hate everyone." & "Why do you put up with me when you know I hate you?" as well as calling me quite a few derogatory curses and such.

How to stop feeling bad about myself when he starts getting mentally unstable & pissed off sounding then doesn't talk to me for a few days? I always feel terrible about myself for some reason,

Hi Em-
I hate to hear that you are exposed to this kind of language from him. Just because he is having emotional problems it is no excuse for him to talk to you in this manner. It is very damaging to your soul and spirit and will take you time to recover and heal each time he talks to you like this. People in a healthy relationship speak words of love and encouragement to each other and build each other up and support each other. Please don't allow yourself to be put in this vulnerable position where your soul and spirit can be damaged. I know you care for this boy, but maybe it is better to be friends from a distance so he can't hurt you. Maybe you could date other boys for now that are more nurturing and supportive and careful of your soul and spirit. Please be careful Em! This boy sounds like he has a lot of work and therapy to do.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[ms spock]

Have you got a psychologist for you to see so you don't take on his stuff?

It would be important to maintain healthy boundaries and grounding for yourself.

It is important not to take on the verbal abusiveness of your boyfriend, that is not healthy for you and it is especially not healthy for him, either.

 

[p-no]

Hello Em,

It is difficult to answer your questions, just because each one of us is different. We (people on a whole) are a mixture of our genes, our up-bringing, experiences, thinking and feeling, perceptions, etc. PTSD is another thing in the mix and PTSD can vary a lot, too. So, those answers are just mine. They can have nothing to do with your (boy)friend. His answers may be completely different.

-When he withdraws for more than a day, is it better to completely let him be, or text him once or twice to let him know I'm thinking about him & hopes he feels better soon?

For me, age 37, so a wee bit older than you :D, a day or two without a person is fine without texting, PTSD or not. As for times of withdrawal, one or two texts a day would usually (not always) be too much for me. One text every other day would be fine. But then, I don't withdraw without saying anything; I will always say that I need to be alone for a while and that e.g. texts are fine (because I can turn my mobile off if I really want my peace and quiet totally) and will always say when I'll be back to normal. I have come to know myself very well, so I know, usually, how much time and distance I will need. If that period should need extension, I will let my partner or family or whoever I feel needs to know know.

I gather though, that you see him at school, right? So, when he withdraws, does he not talk to you when you e.g. pass in the hallway? Does he then not come to school?

-How to respond when he tells me stuff about his past or current traumatizing experiences?

I used to be unable to speak about emotional things, too. You could, if you felt okay with it, ask how this or that makes him feel, if there's something you can do (not just say you're there), ask what this or that was like for him, etc. You could ask him things, and, maybe, tell him (each time, until he believes it) that he does not have to answer any question at all. Asking things has helped me most. "I'm sorry..." has not helped me at all. By asking things, it was possible to make the conversation a "normal" one. You know, it wasn't such an overwhelming, powerful monster that could not be tackled or overcome, it was then like a tennis match hitting the ball back and forth, dealing with it in a good way. It wasn't me the one to pity and the other person the one to feel sorry for me, but it was equal, I felt, the other person was in the same boat, figuratively, on my side.

-How to let go of things he's said in the past to me? (...) any advice on how to let stuff like that go?

In my view, what happens is that he inflicted an injury in you by saying the things he said, and injuries need to be dealt with, need to be treated and have time and TLC to heal. I think that you will have to do is feel the pain those words have caused you and cry over them, feel the maybe anger, the disappointment, etc. and then see what you are left with. If there still is love, appreciation, hope regarding your relationship. You can not force yourself to just let go and be fine. It would be very unnatural not to be hurt by him saying what he said. No matter if he meant it or not, he said those words and they are cruel things to say.

I agree with Dallas; something like that should not be part of any relationship. If you can't let them go, you can't let them go, and I would understand that. Because once a person has actually said such things, that person may do so again. You lose your trust in that person and in his meaning well with you...

The problem I see is that if you accept that behaviour once, you will have to be prepared to have it happen again in future. So, what I would do is sit down with him and tell him exactly what hurt you and why and how much and tell him that that is nothing you will accept another time, not once. Tell him the exact consequences of what will happen if he does it again. I am not talking about yelling at him or shaking with anger while telling him, but getting prepared for this conversation and tell him the facts. Make sure that what you tell him are facts, i.e. that you really mean it. Really mean it being following up on your own words later-on, if it happened again! Be true to yourself and make sure that you will apply those consequences. That is merely for your own sake, your health, your life, your joy.

-How to stop feeling bad about myself when he starts getting mentally unstable & pissed off sounding then doesn't talk to me for a few days?

He is who he is. You are saying he does get mentally unstable and pissed off at you. He does not talk to you for a few days then. These are facts you have experienced. I know that when I was in a relationship with someone with PTSD (and another disorder), I felt bad not because he was getting mentally unstable or pissed off and wouldn't talk, but because a) he wouldn't change (although (I thought!) he could) and b) because I let him.

Re a) I really truly believed he could do it any other way. That he could act differently, feel differently, treat me differently, if he just wanted to. Which led me to the question: Why the hell did he not want to enough? Slowly, very slowly, it's been two years, I have started to realize that he is who he is. Since I am also a PTSD sufferer, and since I also have bad days when I get majorly unstable and pissed (however, I don't just not talk; usually I will withdraw so I don't hurt anyone), I know that - at least in my case - then I can not behave differently. Then I can not feel differently and what people say to me (especially the kind things!) does not hold any meaning to me, quite the opposite, they make me feel worse, because I know (now) that they mean them but I can not feel them.

So, he is who he is. When he is nice and kind, he is nice and kind. When he is unstable and pissed, he is unstable and pissed. Could he, in theory, act differently? Yes. He can learn that. But he is who he is now. And it's the now we are living in and it's in the now that you repeatedly get hurt. Yes, there are also the good times. Do they outweigh the bad ones? They did not for me. I got hurt way more than I got loved. In my experience, an "I hate you" is much stronger than an "I love you". I left.

b) I let it happen. I knew who he was. I knew why he was the way he was. I read up on both disorders and knew the theory of what there was to know. It didn't change anything though. I still got hurt. I knew I could walk out but I did not. I expected him (unconsciously) to be grateful to me for sticking around enduring the pain. Sometimes I was an emotional punching bag. Fact is, I was because I wanted to be. No one told me I had to. No one forced me to endure this. I chose to stay and take it all. I let it happen although I had a choice. I hated my own guts for that.

I'll get really upset at him for making me feel like that & shoot off an angry text– which obviously is not good for him, and I always end up regretting.

It is not him who is making you feel like that. The only person in this equation that you can control is you.
Shooting off an angry text may not be good for him. But where are you in that sentence? First off, shooting off an angry text is not good for you! Because it causes you to feel regret for having become that angry in the first place. And because you have gotten as angry as you have and because of that have felt you need to shoot off that angry text. You end up regretting if you continue to "play that game".

Love is not only a feeling. I used to think that and therefore thought "but I love him (my guy) and I can't just leave". Love is action, too. Now, for me, love is feeling and appropriate action. If those two don't come together, it's not worth fighting for anymore. But that is me.

I am wishing you the best for you. Maybe read up on co-dependency a bit. I'd hate to see you get into that one at full force. Unfortunately, it's fairly easy to go down that road. Been there, too.

 

[Dallas]

Hi Em,
I agree with everything Prime-no said. But honey, she is 37 and I am 52! My guess is you are 17 or 18? Honey, you should be focusing on studying and getting the best grades possible, so you can attend the best college possible to get the best job possible! This relationship is way too much for you to be dealing with at such a young age. Plus I am just concerned that this boy is not mentally stable and could injure you...please get some counseling
and some advice of a mature responsible adult. This is not healthy for you, especially at your young age. I will be praying for you.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Dallas]

Honey, you should be with someone who cherishes you, honors, respects you and will protect you.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Sunshine71]

It may be tough to read however wonderful advice from Dallas xxx