Sufferer New to this forum, recently diagnosed with ptsd, struggling. childhood abuse, rape, murder/suicide.

[Denise]

Hi, I'm Denise and I found this forum after doing a Google search. I am really grateful to have found it as I am new to discovering and learning about my PTSD. A year and a half ago my brother killed my father then committed suicide. I have been in therapy for years and years but I just started seeing a trauma/ptsd specialist. Wow, the work is really hard. In addition to the ptsd from that incident, a few other traumatic incidents are revealing themselves and the process seems overwhelming at times. I have been raped, I was raised in an physically and mentally abusive chaotic household and I am really just starting to grieve my mother's death from about 7 years ago. In addition, I have been divorced twice, found out that I cannot have children, have a complicated medical history which includes about 6 surgeries for the same issue and I got sober about 4.5 years ago. So, there's a lot, to say the least. Since my father and brother's deaths, I have slowly become more and more isolated and I find that I do not want to even leave the house anymore. I avoid people and social situations. I am not interested in activities that I used to enjoy. I have a hard time even going into the grocery store. I get groceries delivered. I have all but stopped seeing my friends and I have cut way back on my AA meetings, although I do not ever think about drinking and I do communicate with my sponson regularly. I see my therapist weekly and she has been pointing out how all of these things are ptsd related. I have an intrusive thought related to the moment I found out about my father and brother that I am using a replacement strategy to get rid of, but it is with me all the time and it is torturous. I appreciate all of your communication on my thread as I continue my journey to better mental health. I look forward to hearing from you and being part of this community. Thank you for taking the time to read my story! ~Denise

 

[LoveTea]

Welsome Denise! I just want to thank you for sharinging some of your story. I hope reaching out and communicating online will help you fell less isolated because you are not alone here. Life can get really complicated and messy and I've only been here a little bit, but I've found these people understand that so well. I hope you find it helpful.

 

[Denise]

Thank you, TeaLove! I feel better just having found this forum. Thank you for the welcome!
Denise

 

[ILoveLife]

Welcome Denise. A big hug to you

 

[ladee]

Welcome, and thank you for letting us know why you are here. The great/sad thing is, we all will connect with parts of your story... great because we learn we are not alone, sad because we have to deal with it to begin with....
I have learned so much since being here, and have made great friends.... hope you find answers and peace here... gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[Joan]

Welcome. I am glad you found the forum. Here I think you will find connection and not feel so alone. Many of us experience similar things despite our stories being very different.

 

[Juliathemechanic]

Hi, I'm Denise and I found this forum after doing a Google search. I am really grateful to have found it...

Hi Denise, wow. You’re really dealing with a lot of devastating things in your life. The key point is that you’re dealing with them - not hiding from them, not medicating yourself away from them. Even if it’s better in the long run to deal head on with reality, it’s still pure hell. It takes a lot of time and hurt and soul-searching, but truly, the only way out is through. I’m a brand new member (I haven’t even posted an introduction yet), but reading your post really hit home for me. I too have dealt with the rapid succession deaths of members of my seriously violent, mentally ill family. My mother was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and then with ALS and COPD. She couldn’t breathe and her lungs were becoming paralyzed. Because she had been a life-long smoker my father said it was her “just desserts.” He refused to give her any medical care other than occasional visits to a minute clinic. I had to drop out of graduate school, become her nurse and send her to real doctors with the money I earned on the side, cleaning houses and babysitting. As my reward, I literally broke my back and was in a back brace for several months. She died, then my father signed over his house as well as power of attorney to my narcissistic, bipolar brother. Then my father had a stroke and a week later my brother died during dental surgery (of all things) since apparently, he had been taking bipolar drugs + OxyContin for some time and had not told the anesthesiologist. My oldest brother then became the family will executor and went to work on having my father’s will declared invalid due to my father’s declining mental state. I’ve washed my hands of them but I still have nightmares. Their dysfunction has damaged me in ways I am still just coming to realize, but at last, it’s over.

My point here is not to bore you with the details of my dysfunctional family drama. My point is that it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t my fault. It just was. I think that much of the trauma we experience comes from blaming ourselves and in believing that we had much more control over the situation than we really did. Both of us just did the best we could with the hands we were dealt in our families. I can completely relate with you in becoming more and more withdrawn. In fact, I believe that I have avoidant personality disorder at this point. I have not been fortunate in finding a decent trauma therapist unfortunately, but I’ve been doing something on my own that has proven very therapeutic. I’ve been writing down a timeline of every traumatic thing that ever happened in my family. I’ve tried hard to remember each event and the emotions around it and then wrote down how my life or way of thinking changed because of it. Much of this revolves around my mentally ill brother and his increasingly violent behavior. This is probably a thing best approached in conjunction with a trained trauma therapist, but it has made me much less angry at my parents and my brothers, and at myself. It made me realize that their path of destruction and collapse would have been much the same regardless of whether I had ever been born. Anyway, I hope that this helps you in some way. If you want to see an example of the type of thing I’m talking about, check out the PsychAlive website and a webinar by Dr. Lisa Firestone called “Healing from Trauma.” This was where I got the idea, though I have not taken her actual webinar.