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[KAT]

So I am currently in a relationship and can't help but get into these moods where I look at him and see the ones who have hurt me in the past. To deal with it, I get mad at him for no reason and always assume the worse in every situation. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy and when we are having a good day I sometimes purposefully ruin it because in my head I feel like it will be ruined anyways (just from how days were in the past). I was married about 10 years ago. The guy I married ended up being a lot like my father (which isn't a good thing). I ended up seeing that I couldn't stay married but now I feel like every new relationship will end up the same way. I guess I feel undeserving of something "normal" so when things are feeling "normal" I have to get to a point where I upset my boyfriend enough to cause a fight. I have physically hurt myself time and time again to get past these feelings (for years now). To deal with what's happened to me I am extremely organized and have set up my life where I can take care of myself without needed to rely on anyone. I want to be able to rely on my boyfriend emotionally but because of everything I can't even do that without freaking out. He has been very understanding to all of this. Is there any advice as to how to get through this?

 

[thinlizzy4010]

What I really want to say to you is, just get out there with your man and have some fun in the world that you can create with him. Do the things that make you both laugh.This is advice that I too need to take. I have been with my current (2nd and last marriage) husband for 10 years. we have mainly good days, but other days we could have been having a great time and I will burst into tears. Then i feel like i have ruined the day, and repeatidly apologise to hubby for making the day stink. But He doesnt mind.if i get mad and kick something, we patch it up and get on with life again. I havent really ruined the day, just had a hiccup,He loves me unconditionally, ptsd and all. I am sure your boyfriend feels the same. I think if I just go out there and be busy creating great memories with my hubby, that I will have no time for the thoughts of the past. I have hurdles and barriers to get over to get out and have that fun, but i am sure with baby steps I will get there one day soon and I bet you will too.

 

[KAT]

This is very encouraging to read. Thank you for the quick response. Do you happen to go through counseling or therapy of some sort? My boyfriend and I have had a lot of rough patches since the beginning of our relationship. He too has had relationship issues (not as severe at mine) so it took awhile to get to a good point in our relationship. I feel that whenever we are ahead though I cause a step backwards. He isn't going anywhere and assures me of that but he doesn't want to feel like the punching bag either which I completely understand. Creating good memories over the bad ones is definitely helpful. I just want to get to the point where I don't completely freak out even over the little fights.

 

[propitious 14]

I loved how you used the word " hiccup" thinlizzy, when you said that you hadn't really ruined the day, just had a hiccup.

I think that that is a very positive way to look at the "speed bumps" in life that we must pass over to get to where we are going.

 

[KAT]

Yes I agree with that. How can I get to the point where I see it as a "hiccup"? I get get down on myself non-stop when the day doesn't go the way it's been planned. I feel like as if I can help but do certain things but yet still do it?