Gamereign555
Diamond Member
I have read bits of this forum in the recent past and today I decided to sign up here. I am 30 years old as of December and am a non-vet.
I was living my life pretty well I thought. I was drinking those big energy beers every day after work, sometimes I would drink 2 of them. At work I would drink energy drinks. I was not sleeping very well but otherwise...it felt like I was on my way to getting somewhere in life.
I was mentally abused as a boy starting at about age 2 to 6 by my stepdad who did not want me and was taken to therapy when I was still not talking at age 4, I dont have any memory of this timeframe. The next stepdad was physically abusive to me on a regular basis. There were some bad moments growing up but I still feel like I had an okay childhood..
Later when I was about 8 my mother introduced me to a man who she later told me was my father. A few years later they both sat me down and explained to me that he was sick with H.I.V. and it didnt take me long to realize that one day he would be gone from the world, he turned out to be a good guy and we would frequently go out and do fun things and he would tag a long with the rest of the family.
He dies when I'm 13 of a rare AIDS related cancer.
My friends and I start drinking and smoking pot not long after. By the time I am 16 Im doing cocaine with a stepdad while we sell pot all day to my friends and their friends. He later goes to prison for armed robbery and conspiracy to commit murder. I continue my drug-fest until I'm 24 by now I've done marijuana, cocaine, crystal, acid, ex. Basically periods of meth addiction while drinking alcohol.
I finally hit a bottom after sleeping in a park for 3 weeks, bathing in a taco bell bathroom, stealing from stores for food...just didnt want to live that way. I went to a trade school and did way better than I or anyone that knew me expected. I quit doing drugs at school. I met the love of my life at school and moved near her and eventually with her and got my first real job, though I still continued to drink and have energy drinks while working.
Three years later. I get ready for work (hotel maintenance), I didnt sleep well that night at all..maybe an hour or 2. One hour into work I start to sweat and start breathing heavy, or feeling like I cant catch my breath...I think I was in denial of what was happening thinking I just needed something to eat or drink....Something I hadnt experienced before was hyperventilation which I was unable to control, they called an ambulance for me and by the time I got there I was suffering from hyperventilation syndrome. Mind you nobody knew what was happening to me including the para metics. I thought it was my heart or lungs, I just didnt know and though I was dying and could feel myself fading, my face, hands and stomach felt very tingly and my hands involontarily stiffened and clenched my fingers together all the while being what felt like I was completly out of breath and all I could think about was how I was about to die and wanting to see my girlfriend to tell her I loved here one last time. At the hospital since my vitals were normal, they didnt know what to do. So they gave me lorezapam and I started to normalize...
To this day I still dont know why I spontaneously started hyperventilating and why it was so out of my control to stop.
I see a therapist now and she recently told me that I have PTSD. In the beginning I had severe depression which I now take Celexa for. I suffer from chest heaviness/ tightness, chest pains and feeling as though Im not getting enough air to breathe, occasional insomnia due to symptoms,and nervous awareness/alertness issues. Triggered while sitting or lying down on my back, or side. Since sleep is something you have to do its gotten a little better though exposure, but only after getting off of the benzos they had me on for months.
Since the initial incident I have not hyperventilated even all throughout the onset so that kind of remains a mystery for me.
It was EXTREMELY difficult, but knowing that it would be better for me to keep working...my boss let me come back after missing 3 months due to this..in and out of the hospital from panic attacks. I was able to work for 6 more months before being 'let go'. New management came in and fired my boss and later laid me off.
Well thanks for those who read, dont know what I hope to accomplish in posting this...rather it just feels good to say to somebody who might feel the way I do.
I was living my life pretty well I thought. I was drinking those big energy beers every day after work, sometimes I would drink 2 of them. At work I would drink energy drinks. I was not sleeping very well but otherwise...it felt like I was on my way to getting somewhere in life.
I was mentally abused as a boy starting at about age 2 to 6 by my stepdad who did not want me and was taken to therapy when I was still not talking at age 4, I dont have any memory of this timeframe. The next stepdad was physically abusive to me on a regular basis. There were some bad moments growing up but I still feel like I had an okay childhood..
Later when I was about 8 my mother introduced me to a man who she later told me was my father. A few years later they both sat me down and explained to me that he was sick with H.I.V. and it didnt take me long to realize that one day he would be gone from the world, he turned out to be a good guy and we would frequently go out and do fun things and he would tag a long with the rest of the family.
He dies when I'm 13 of a rare AIDS related cancer.
My friends and I start drinking and smoking pot not long after. By the time I am 16 Im doing cocaine with a stepdad while we sell pot all day to my friends and their friends. He later goes to prison for armed robbery and conspiracy to commit murder. I continue my drug-fest until I'm 24 by now I've done marijuana, cocaine, crystal, acid, ex. Basically periods of meth addiction while drinking alcohol.
I finally hit a bottom after sleeping in a park for 3 weeks, bathing in a taco bell bathroom, stealing from stores for food...just didnt want to live that way. I went to a trade school and did way better than I or anyone that knew me expected. I quit doing drugs at school. I met the love of my life at school and moved near her and eventually with her and got my first real job, though I still continued to drink and have energy drinks while working.
Three years later. I get ready for work (hotel maintenance), I didnt sleep well that night at all..maybe an hour or 2. One hour into work I start to sweat and start breathing heavy, or feeling like I cant catch my breath...I think I was in denial of what was happening thinking I just needed something to eat or drink....Something I hadnt experienced before was hyperventilation which I was unable to control, they called an ambulance for me and by the time I got there I was suffering from hyperventilation syndrome. Mind you nobody knew what was happening to me including the para metics. I thought it was my heart or lungs, I just didnt know and though I was dying and could feel myself fading, my face, hands and stomach felt very tingly and my hands involontarily stiffened and clenched my fingers together all the while being what felt like I was completly out of breath and all I could think about was how I was about to die and wanting to see my girlfriend to tell her I loved here one last time. At the hospital since my vitals were normal, they didnt know what to do. So they gave me lorezapam and I started to normalize...
To this day I still dont know why I spontaneously started hyperventilating and why it was so out of my control to stop.
I see a therapist now and she recently told me that I have PTSD. In the beginning I had severe depression which I now take Celexa for. I suffer from chest heaviness/ tightness, chest pains and feeling as though Im not getting enough air to breathe, occasional insomnia due to symptoms,and nervous awareness/alertness issues. Triggered while sitting or lying down on my back, or side. Since sleep is something you have to do its gotten a little better though exposure, but only after getting off of the benzos they had me on for months.
Since the initial incident I have not hyperventilated even all throughout the onset so that kind of remains a mystery for me.
It was EXTREMELY difficult, but knowing that it would be better for me to keep working...my boss let me come back after missing 3 months due to this..in and out of the hospital from panic attacks. I was able to work for 6 more months before being 'let go'. New management came in and fired my boss and later laid me off.
Well thanks for those who read, dont know what I hope to accomplish in posting this...rather it just feels good to say to somebody who might feel the way I do.
