Relationship New To This.

[Emma555]

I have a friend that is going through treatment for PTSD. We have known each other for three years now and just recently he opened up to me about everything that he is going through. I have never heard him speak so candidly to me before and I made sure that he knew that I supported him and would always be there for him no matter what. Then out of the blue he has stopped talking to me. Won't answer my phone calls or emails. It was just like a switch was flipped and he blocked me from his life with no explanation. I don't know a whole lot about PTSD but I am doing my research and trying to figure it all out just so I can be there for him when/if he needs me. Is this normal for someone to do when they are suffering from PTSD? To just suddenly push someone away? I don't understand how we could have the conversations that we had a few days ago and then now all of a sudden he isn't speaking to me. All I did was show support. I am going to give him his space and hope that sometime soon he talks to me again but I guess all I can do right now is back off and keep him in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[Jacquie]

Yep/ Very normal. Opening up isnt easy. And staying away is probably more so he can process it than anything about you.

But from your own perspective, try to just be normal, do normal things. Being told and 'understanding' the weird nature of all this is 2 different things. Not meaning to be nasty, just that this thing just jumps up and bites you out of the blue, so by nature of what it is, its unpredictable.

If he's having a 'shakes day' (or week or month) a coffee and chat about ordinary things might help more than talking about the 'stuff'. But not pushing it on him. Pushing makes it worse.

Sorry but there dont seem to be any rules to it. Include but not intrude would be my best shot at what you described. And the fact that you came and asked means you really are 'there' for him. Just that he might not be ready to handle it yet. Time eh. Lots and lots of time.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Emma -

This is all very "normal". Not sure if he's got military experience, or I'd say it's even MORE "normal".

Definately learn everything you can about ptsd. The longer you know him, more you may have these instances happen. This site is a tremendous resource, so read read read!!!!

AB

 

[LoyalOne]

Keep your routine, Emma. Do what you normally do. 'Ignoring' you has nothing to do with you, most likely. He is not dismissing your support, which is important. He is listening to what is going on in his head, which is overwhelming what we think of as normal responses to stuff. Just keep on keepin on, and study up on it while he is away in his head.

 

[Emma555]

Thank you so much everyone. Yes he was in the military which was the cause of his PTSD. He served two tours in Iraq. I am trying to understand all of this and be there for him. Thank you all for your words. I know that it has nothing to do with me and I shouldn't take it personally. I guess all I can do is give him his space and continue to be there for him when he needs me to be. I care so much for him and I don't know what to do and I don't want him to distance himself but I realize that if that is what he needs right now then that is what I need to do. I will continue to research everything and read things on this site. Right now I feel like that is my only option. He is actually in a program at the VA hospital so I don't see him very often. It is just emails and phone calls but like I said, he isn't answering any of them at this point. Thank you again to everyone. It helps to talk to people that have been through this or have someone who is going through it.

 

[LoyalOne]

I'm glad he is in a program. Hopefully they can help him. (((Emma))) Knowing that someone has an eye on him makes me feel a lot better. So many people try to oorah their way through this stuff, and don't know about/want any of the help available. So that is a plus!

Something that has helped me is taking a very laid back approach. Kind of like that old saying about being like a duck; 'appear calm on the surface, and paddle like hell underneath.' Dial it down on the phone calls and emails. Maybe an email every few days giving him a light, friendly synopsis of your morning, with a cheerful sign off. Steel yourself to not hearing back for a while.

Too much concern can = too much pressure. And pressure is not his friend right now, even though the concern is out of love.

 

[Emma555]

It's funny that you say that about a duck because that is how I feel everyday of my life. :) Thank you for the advice. I figured, like you said, that I would just email every once in awhile just to remind him that I am here for him and just give him time and space that he needs. Hopefully he will start talking again but right now, I just want him to focus on what he needs to focus on and do what he needs to do. He isn't the type of person that normally opens up to people which is why I was so surprised that he told me some of the things that we discussed last weekend. I am just trying to be supportive and want him to know that I care for him and that I am here when he needs me. I have a lot to learn about PTSD so I guess I will take this time to research and just be there for him when/if he reaches out to me again. Thank you again!

 

[LoyalOne]

Emma, the fact that he is opening up to you means he trusts you. Good luck with the balancing act! Please stick around, as well. :)

 

[Emma555]

I guess I am just extremly frustrated and don't understand anything about this. We spent last weekend together and had an amazing weekend where he opened up to me and we talked for hours. We had fun together just the two of us and it was the best weekend I have had in a long time. Then come Monday, nothing. He didn't answer any of my texts or emails. I just find it frustrating on how you can spend two wonderful days with someone and treat them like he treated me and then just cut them off. UGH!! So if I am ranting but I am just so confused and I know I need to learn more about PTSD but it's hard not to take it personally. I keep wondering if I did or said something wrong. I don't know.

 

[LoyalOne]

It's very bizarre. Our vets might be able to explain it better. I don't know what switch in their heads makes it so; I just know it is true.

Hey, maybe you did say something insensitive. But you know what? A normal thing to say to someone when they say something that upsets you is; 'Hey - that's uncalled for,' or 'Hey, you don't understand, so please don't bring that up.' It is not normal to just stop speaking to someone over an unintended slight.

Don't get into the habit of trying to censor and rearrange every little thing you think; that way madness lies. It won't fix him, and it will wear you out.

You gave him big time support this weekend. Cherish the memory and lay low until he feels like he is in the mood to talk again.

 

[JS786]

Emma, I am 110% with you and your confusion on this one. My boyfriend does this fairly often (we're in the middle of one right now... :cry:), so I definitely know where you're coming from. Everything will be all fine and dandy and we're hanging out 4-5 days a week for 2-3 weeks and then all of a sudden BAM, triggered, and nothing. Won't return txts or FB msgs/posts or if he does they're brash and straight forward.

You need to find the balance being between supportive and being clingy (its definitely something I struggle with) and as LoyalOnes said, sometimes too much concern is too much pressure for someone with PTSD.

The biggest thing you need to learn is to *not take anything personally* which can be a challenge, for sure. I have always told my boyfriend I'm not going anywhere, and until he looked me right in the eye and told me he didnt want to be with that I was always going to be there for him, no matter what, and maybe that's a sentiment that you need to tell your friend when he's feeling better. Dont give up on your friend, if he doesnt usually open up and he's opened up to you, I agree with LoyalOnes, he trusts you. He'll come around when he's ready.

I also can't stress how great it is to have this forum to read through. You'll definitely find posts that you'll think, "Holy crap! Did *I* write this?!!?" And don't worry about ranting.. I think of the 35 or so msgs I've posted here, probably 30 of them were written from me crying and upset and confused. ;) This is a great place to be when you feel like you're at your wit's end.

Stay strong, Emma. It'll be OK.

-JS

 

[Emma555]

This website helps so much! I am so thankful that I have people like you all to talk to about this because no one I know has every been through this or known anyone that has. Like I said, it's just hard to not take the fact that he isn't talking to me as a personal thing. I am scared that I will never hear from him again and I really care about him and would hate to lose him as a friend. But thanks to you all, I know I just need to be patient and wait until he is ready. It helps to know that other people are going through the same thing. It's amazing (sad) how many people PTSD affects and how it doesn't just affect the sufferer but also everyone around them. I will just try and stay strong and continue on with my life and hopefully soon I will hear back from him. Thank you all again! It's nice to know I have somewhere to turn when I need the help!