Relationship New To This.

[Emma555]

Although I do have one more question. How long should I wait to email or text him? If I don't hear from him in a few days should I send an email or text or just wait until he contacts me?

 

[JS786]

I absolutely follow with your fears that he'll never contact you and you'll lose him. I feel like that with my boyfriend every single day when he's in a dark place. As I said before we're in the middle of one right now. I haven't seen him in over a week and haven't talked to him since Monday night. It sucks, yes. It's so so so hard, but try your absolute hardest not to take it personally.. You'll save a lot of heartache and tears that way, I promise you. Thick skin and patience are the two hugest things you'll need to learn.

When did you last try to contact your friend??

Stay strong, pretty! :)

-JS

 

[Emma555]

I wrote him an email on Monday night. All I wrote was "Just wanted to say hi and let you know I am here if you need me" He hasn't written back at all and usually when I write something like that he replies and tells me how things are going. I hate thinking he doesn't want to talk to me but I know it probably isn't personal.

 

[Emma555]

I just don't know how much contact to do. If I see him on the chat on facebook should I message him? I feel like he is talking to everyone but me. (I don't know if he actually is talking to anyone else but it feels like I"m the only one being ignored.) I know I need to get tougher skin and just calm down and leave him alone. I just hate not being able to talk to him.

 

[Emma555]

And yes, I know I am being insecure and I shouldn't be. :(

 

[Tinyflame]

Emma, it causes a lot of shame to disclose to anyone.
Please don't think it's 'you'.

 

[Emma555]

Thank you

 

[JS786]

Oh Emma, it's like you're in my head. Everything you've described is something I have struggled with or continue to struggle with. There have been 20 different times in the last few days I've wanted to talk to my bf, but I know I need to follow his lead and give space. Sure, it hurts, but I work through.

Limit yourself to 1-2 msgs a week and steel yourself that you may not get any response for a while, if at all. I know it sucks to see him on Facebook assume he's chitchatting to everyone, but try not to speculate.

Insecurity is my middle name. Take some deep breaths and stay busy. If you msged him Monday, email him Friday something lighthearted like a funny comic and the caption "this reminded me of you" and a "Have a great weekend!" and leave it at that til next week.

It's going to be OK :)

 

[Emma555]

Thank you JS! I can't tell you how much it helps me to have someone to talk to about all of this. I figured I would wait until Friday like you said and just email him a simple message. I guess if he wants to talk to me then he will talk to me and if not then I have to live with that. Thank you again everyone for listening to me and giving me advice!!!! I am so glad I found this website!

 

[JS786]

Dont you feel a tiny bit better knowing what youre experiencing isnt so "weird" or whatever?

 

[Emma555]

Yes I do feel better. Although it doesn't make it any easier to go through, it does help to know that all the feelings I am having right now are "normal" in this situation.

Junebug-Do you mean that he might be feeling shame for disclosing everything that he did this last weekend? Could he feel shame about everything that we talked about?

This is just me rambling but I have been thinking and I wonder if my support and understanding could have pushed him away a little? During our talks this last weekend he was also telling me about his family and how they are never really supportive to him. He doesn't get along with them very well and the times that he does talk to them, they end up fighting. He even told me that he is glad he has me because I am so understanding and he feels like he can tell me anything. The first email I sent after this last weekend was a long email telling him how I will always be there for him and that I'm only a phone call away and that I appreciated him opening up to me and telling me the things he did. I told him that he means a lot to me and I was glad he was in my life and that I thought he was strong and an incredible person. Could my words to him have overwhelmed him in some way or caused him to back away? Because that was the email that he stopped talking to me. I wonder if maybe I pushed to hard or maybe my support scared him or something. I don't know, I keep going through explanations in my mind and I just want to understand it but I know I probably won't ever completely understand it. Again, I am rambling and I am sorry for bugging you all again. I'm just afraid I scared him away or something and that he will never speak to me again.

 

[Tinyflame]

Emma-no. I mean it just as the 'words' say: "disclosure to anyone - the act of it- to put the words 'out there' -that itself can cause the feeling of shame (etc)". Originally one feels good about it, then bad. Then maybe (hopefully) ~ok.

People feel the same even writing on this forum, frequently. They post- then regret it- then come to terms with it.

Yet it's a compliment he could say it to you.
He had to feel safe enough to say it, but oddly-enough he will now feel 'less safe', because he has to deal with facing it (what he told you about), and how that 'feels'.
Plus he will likely think 'you' see him differently now (in a negative way).

It will help if he sees you don't act differently.
There could be fear on his part it's harmful for you to hear it, too, or it has caused you harm/ distress.