Relationship Newbie... Glad Im Not Alone

[J'qel]

The biggest question is: are you happier with him or without him? That's your key. When someone is codependent they're often stuck with misery but think that they can't exist without the other person. I don't think that's you from some of the comments you've made.

Everyone likes to be validated, and yes, your positivity probably does make his day. When you're nice to the cashier it makes him/her happy too.

Him letting you in his safe space is pretty big. It means he sees you as safe enough to be there. To have you watching over him when he's vulnerable when he has violence based PTSD, that could be huge.

You're in for a rough haul, and you need to know that sometimes he'll blank out, shut you out, some times he might even yell at you, his illness will be hard for you as a person in his life. You need to know that it's going to be rough on you before you decide if you're up for it-though in the end, nothing can prepare you like experience.

Each of us is different. One person with combat PTSD may have completely different symptoms from another. They'll all be flight or fight symptoms and it's hard to say which is which sometimes.

He'll be up and *really* up and then down and then *really* down, and all the in betweens. PTSD is a bit of a monster.

This is a really hard choice to make, hon, and it isn't permanent but know, it's going to be hard on you.

I'm ahppy he's getting help and if Police work triggers him, he really shoudl find a way out, maybe private security? I've done my turn at security and it was actually nice to have a big wide area all to myself, yet when people were in, I was able to help them while still feeling relatively safe. I know it's a step down and he'll have to deal with the issues his police friends probably have invested in him about working security, but it may be better for him in the long run. I'd suggest building or construction site security. Night if possible. It's quiet, peaceful and often independent. The pay may not be that great depending on where he gets hired, but it's a lot safer and less likely to cause triggers.

If you're sticking with this, make sure he knows your boundaries and that you need time as well. You're going to need time to relax and recuperate, and realize that sometimes he's going to be over ridden by his illness, it's not him so much as it's the trauma. That's hard to do but some people do. Thankfully, my husband can, and we've been together through some really rough bits.

So it *can* work, it's just really hard work. More than any relationship and more than any person has a right to ask of you. You have every right and would be perfectly sane to just walk away if you choose to.

Make your limits and stick with them. We don't need another person walking around with trauma.

 

[Mypurpose]

The biggest question is: are you happier with him or without him? That's your key. When someone is codepe...

Thank you! This brought me tears. Never thought just being able to express myself to people who understand would provide this much relief. I'm still learning and constantly reading to gain better understanding. Im going to work on boundaries and limits without feeling guilt. I don't want to feel resentment. Its always my choice.

 

[Wtfiswrong]

Thank you. That was well spoken.

You speak many truths, but are you able to accept them? Denial and...

You are the best! You speak truth! I think supporters often allow a lot of bad behavior they normally would never tolerate because of ptsd. When in reality the actions of his you speak of aren't symptoms of ptsd they are just taking an advantage and using you.

I wonder if he even knows he is doing that ?

 

[mamachick]

Early in relationships that are co dependent, the feeling of being stuck and unable to survive without the other is often absent. That feeling may come later....The main characteristic is often seeing the potential in someone, and believing you can fix them, or if they just do x, y and z, "we can have a great relationship". It is seeing the "fixer upper" in others. It does not matter how great your selection of partners are due to your wonderful attributes, it is the law of attraction of the giver and the taker. Until one discovers that need and seeks help and changes that, it will usually repeat.

It is much easier to move on from a 3 month relationship than a year relationship, or 5 yr relationship. It is much easier to move on without out complications such as shared housing or children.

 

[J'qel]

It is hard to determine in PTSD if it is malicious or not. A lot of PTSD sufferers suffer from guilt and shame by asking things of their supporters, so I always hesitate. That's why I chose to focus on Mypurpose's autonomy and independence and safety.

There is no way to be able to tell without being there, and I know some of the things I depend on my husband for others would think I was using him, and I feel enormously guilty and ashamed frequently, though he assures me that it makes him feel better to be needed. The last thing a sufferer needs is someone else casting aspersions.

Instead, as long as Mypurpose can establish her own boundaries and stick to them, decide when enough is enough and keep herself feeling safe and worthy, any kind of harm is minimized as to be nearly absent.

The reason I used the "can't live without" is because that is the most harmful part of a codependent relationship, it's also why I stressed boundaries. An inability to enforce boundaries as well as a need to have that person in your life in order to not do harm to yourself is the benchmark of a bad codependent relationship.

I recently had to examine my own relationship and found that the best way to keep relationships safe, if you're concerned about codependency is to establish strong boundaries and maintain one's self. That's why I gave the advice. It's the advice you give to anyone afraid of codependency.

Being willing to help others is not necessarily codependency, seeing their problems and being willing to help them overcome them is also not being codependent.

It's just being kind and sympathetic. It's when those urges make your life unhappy/unhealthy that you're in trouble.

 

[mamachick]

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Being willing to help others is a wonderful quality in anyone.
I have no idea who's behavior may be intentional or malicious. I suppose coming from a home with alcoholism (which addictions always include lies and manipulation) makes me very sensitive to staving off relationships that are one sided, or that one person is being used.

Also, as a woman who has talked to many other women over the years, I have discovered patterns that we create, without discussions of them at the time. (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.) They are nurturing qualities that are wonderful.

 

[Mypurpose]

Hi all!! Thank you for the feedback back and advice. Because of it I do feel stronger. I was going to go see him today for food and conversation but he has been kind of iffy so I text him to see if he was still up to. He said he wasn't in the mood for cuddling. I told him that we didn't need to and im glad he was honest. He immediately thought I was upset because that's how i use to get before i found this site. I told him i understand and will give him space but he still wanted me to come and of course cook but I dont think I will go. He said he is in a deep dark place of solitude right now but loves when I cook and help him. I appreciate that but im not driving and hour cooking and then leaving. One of my boundaries now is im not putting forth so much effort unless we will spend quality time together. Take all the time you need and let me know when you're ready. If you're having an emergency I will be here for you. Its hard for me especially since he shared what he's feeling but its necessary.

 

[J'qel]

Make sure to tell him that. He should know your boundaries so he can respect them.

It is a very good boundary to have though. Kudos to you for sticking to it!

 

[Mypurpose]

Early in relationships that are co dependent, the feeling of being stuck and unable to survive without th...

I know that I can't fix him...but Im still holding on to how he was in the beginning...waiting for him to return. And yes still new but its been a total of 7 months. Which 3 have been great.

 

[Mypurpose]

Today I'm struggling with wanting to drive that hour to bring him food. I know that he is in his solitude mode and Im giving him space but I also know my food soothes him...his words and he would want me to. The love I have for him makes me want to help him feel better even if its at my expense and I feel a lot of guilt thinking I could have triggered him with all of my fussing and lectures before I really understood what he was going through. I apologized profusely and told him I found this site and it totally has changed my way of thinking.

I still struggle with what is PTSD or what is simply bad behavior.

 

[Wtfiswrong]

Don't go! I am you, you are me. Not to such an extreme extent. But the more u are there during bad behavior the more that cycle continues... I am year and a half in and I finally just ended the cycle.

 

[Nicolette]

The love I have for him makes me want to help him feel

The best demonstration of your love it to respect his space for now and not do what you think makes him feel better. I'm sorry to point out the obvious but you're justify why you should not allow him is 'solitude' to recover. If you go, it will only be worse and you wouldn't be here if you wanted that. Please don't convince yourself you're doing the right thing when you know it's not.

Today I'm struggling with wanting to drive that hour to bring him food

Right now, taking him food is about you and your needs.... not him. Your food may soothe him but you're appearance and the pressure this brings may only inflame the situation. Please resist the urge and only go if he asks you to and don't offer, as that's just additional pressure for him right now. PTSD is a selfish illness and you either choose to accept it (it can get better) or you run the risk of driving yourself insane and losing the relationship if you can't accept this. Sorry :hug: