oneforjustice
New Here
I posted something similar in the introduction but this was more appropriate.
I married a wonderful man last july. I knew when I said yes that he had a lot of baggage. He was abused physically ( beaten with belts as punishments but never told why he was being beaten), abused emotionally and verbally, neglected, all by his father. This would occur everyday until he was 18, and then a few years afterwards. He would get screamed at every day, and told he was worth nothing, and he was going to end up dead in a ditch or homeless. ( I think father is bipolar/maybe schizo- not sure his diagnosis he's on lithium). His mother also was pushed around. I know she blames herself for not leaving with my husband when he was a baby but she stayed with his father. My husband doesn't remember his early childhood, we think either because of some kind of trauma or just repression, either way he can't remember anything. When he was in his early 20's his parents moved into a smaller house, with no room for him or his sister. So his sister lived in the living room and my husband lived in their old, broken down tiny boat house. It had no heat, no bathroom and one light. He lived there through 1 winter.
He was never able to receive any sort of help for his problems until he finally moved away for college. Then he spiraled into a depression for at least a year. I met him about a year after that. He told me all this stuff slowly as we dated. Our dating life wasn't great. It makes more sense now , now that I understand the patterns of PTSD. But we would go through periods where it wasn't good. He learned nothing from his father on how to be in a healthy relationship with a woman. And NO idea on how to be a husband, everything he's learned has been either by himself or from his best friend he's known all his life ( whom I adore and is a great guy). I was basically teaching him as we went. Which put a enormous amount of strain on our relationship. It was touch a go for awhile. But he has such a willingness to learn and change, things slowly got better. He is a sweetie and tries his best but his triggers really set us back. I know it is something we will have to deal with for the rest of our lives. Anyone who says differently is kidding themselves.
My husband's symptoms have been night paralysis ( feeling of dread , unable to move), hyper alterness, hyper sensitivity to minor stresses. Emotional sensitivity. irresponsible behavior. ADHD symptoms. Not all of these come at once. Somedays there are none, other days I get them all . I need to figure out what his triggers are. As a newlywed, this wasn't what I wanted to deal with. No one wants to deal with this stuff. But from the beginning of our first date, to right now after being married , he has come so far. His spirals arn't as bad. I know that I've been the most constant thing in his life in a long time. I hope that is helping keeping him regulated, and a little more stable. He seems to have evened out A LOT! I just wanted to post that it does get better. There are many days I have NO idea on how to deal with him and get frustrated. I was feeling extremely guilty earlier this morning as I was thinking about this stuff. I don't give him enough credit after all he has been through, I sometimes forget he isn't quite normal. He's said it himself yesterday, "its hell living inside my head sometimes. I know I'm not normal and I hate it. " I expect him to do certain husbandly things, and get mad when he doesn't. Then I will say something that will set off a trigger and its all downhill from there. Its something I have to keep in the forefront of my mind.
Our premarital counselor told us that it would affect us every single day. And I didn't realize how true that was until yesterday.
I am wondering though, what else can I do to help him? Like I said, he has his good days and REALLY bad days. one instance was, I keep track of the finances and a week or so ago I casually mentioned that he went $5 over his weekly fun money. ( our finances are tight, he can be forgetful. So i was reminding him to just keep an eyeball on it.) He pretty much lost it and was extremely upset for quite awhile . The whole night was basically ruined because I mentioned he went over his limit. He told me that he felt like I was trying to control him and I needed to stop telling him 6 times that he went over.. Mind you, I mentioned it once at home. And then once again when he tried to go over his limit..again..the same day. Anyone else would say that he is crazy and what am I doing with him. Well...welcome to PTSD over-reactions. So I got mad at him for being ridiculous, while trying to be calm and understanding. Never have I been so frustrated. Its instances like that, that make me want to rip all my hair out. Its not that I don't understand why he reacts that way, because I do know why. He never had any control as a child, or as a teenager, even a young adult. So now I'm here telling him he can't do something. I get it..but i remember that after it happens.
Any advice or suggestions are most welcome!!
I married a wonderful man last july. I knew when I said yes that he had a lot of baggage. He was abused physically ( beaten with belts as punishments but never told why he was being beaten), abused emotionally and verbally, neglected, all by his father. This would occur everyday until he was 18, and then a few years afterwards. He would get screamed at every day, and told he was worth nothing, and he was going to end up dead in a ditch or homeless. ( I think father is bipolar/maybe schizo- not sure his diagnosis he's on lithium). His mother also was pushed around. I know she blames herself for not leaving with my husband when he was a baby but she stayed with his father. My husband doesn't remember his early childhood, we think either because of some kind of trauma or just repression, either way he can't remember anything. When he was in his early 20's his parents moved into a smaller house, with no room for him or his sister. So his sister lived in the living room and my husband lived in their old, broken down tiny boat house. It had no heat, no bathroom and one light. He lived there through 1 winter.
He was never able to receive any sort of help for his problems until he finally moved away for college. Then he spiraled into a depression for at least a year. I met him about a year after that. He told me all this stuff slowly as we dated. Our dating life wasn't great. It makes more sense now , now that I understand the patterns of PTSD. But we would go through periods where it wasn't good. He learned nothing from his father on how to be in a healthy relationship with a woman. And NO idea on how to be a husband, everything he's learned has been either by himself or from his best friend he's known all his life ( whom I adore and is a great guy). I was basically teaching him as we went. Which put a enormous amount of strain on our relationship. It was touch a go for awhile. But he has such a willingness to learn and change, things slowly got better. He is a sweetie and tries his best but his triggers really set us back. I know it is something we will have to deal with for the rest of our lives. Anyone who says differently is kidding themselves.
My husband's symptoms have been night paralysis ( feeling of dread , unable to move), hyper alterness, hyper sensitivity to minor stresses. Emotional sensitivity. irresponsible behavior. ADHD symptoms. Not all of these come at once. Somedays there are none, other days I get them all . I need to figure out what his triggers are. As a newlywed, this wasn't what I wanted to deal with. No one wants to deal with this stuff. But from the beginning of our first date, to right now after being married , he has come so far. His spirals arn't as bad. I know that I've been the most constant thing in his life in a long time. I hope that is helping keeping him regulated, and a little more stable. He seems to have evened out A LOT! I just wanted to post that it does get better. There are many days I have NO idea on how to deal with him and get frustrated. I was feeling extremely guilty earlier this morning as I was thinking about this stuff. I don't give him enough credit after all he has been through, I sometimes forget he isn't quite normal. He's said it himself yesterday, "its hell living inside my head sometimes. I know I'm not normal and I hate it. " I expect him to do certain husbandly things, and get mad when he doesn't. Then I will say something that will set off a trigger and its all downhill from there. Its something I have to keep in the forefront of my mind.
Our premarital counselor told us that it would affect us every single day. And I didn't realize how true that was until yesterday.
I am wondering though, what else can I do to help him? Like I said, he has his good days and REALLY bad days. one instance was, I keep track of the finances and a week or so ago I casually mentioned that he went $5 over his weekly fun money. ( our finances are tight, he can be forgetful. So i was reminding him to just keep an eyeball on it.) He pretty much lost it and was extremely upset for quite awhile . The whole night was basically ruined because I mentioned he went over his limit. He told me that he felt like I was trying to control him and I needed to stop telling him 6 times that he went over.. Mind you, I mentioned it once at home. And then once again when he tried to go over his limit..again..the same day. Anyone else would say that he is crazy and what am I doing with him. Well...welcome to PTSD over-reactions. So I got mad at him for being ridiculous, while trying to be calm and understanding. Never have I been so frustrated. Its instances like that, that make me want to rip all my hair out. Its not that I don't understand why he reacts that way, because I do know why. He never had any control as a child, or as a teenager, even a young adult. So now I'm here telling him he can't do something. I get it..but i remember that after it happens.
Any advice or suggestions are most welcome!!
