Nhs Crawls On

[Sandstone]

I posted this at the tail end of my last thread, but it has been overlooked and I'd value some input

As a result of the "complaint" to the NHS, I've had another assessment by a psychiatrist. It was a long, confusing process - nearly three hours.
At the end of it, he said he confirmed PTSD, could see why Autism Spectrum had been considered ( no eye contact and striving for precision in what I said.) and why Borderline had been considered ( mainly because of suicide attempts). He rejected autism, but said he would still consider Borderline, despite the testing having been negative. I said I didn't think either applied, and that they were based on how I am now, not how I was all my life. He said he thinks I dissociate, rather than having a Dissociative Disorder.

The most disconcerting bit was that he said I was seriously mentally ill. I'm just surprised by that. I expected, and still find myself thinking, that the response would be that I was making a fuss over nothing and should pull myself together.

I did say I had two aims, reducing avoidance, for which I needed support, and processing the traumas. He seemed amenable to those, but I don't know what will happen, nor does he.

I had hoped that now a day has passed, I'd feel better about it, but I feel defeated and loathsome. I'm more than ever sure that I'm just attention seeking.

I saw my GP today - she was supportive and said she had written repeatedly on my behalf to both my Co-ordinator and my old T, also that she thought both a Personality Disorder or Autism would have shown up in the first 45 years of my life.

I still feel so unreasonable, and so demanding. The idea of doing what I think I need, which is to say that I need a very quiet weekend, seems impossibly selfish

 

[sedna]

I posted this at the tail end of my last thread, but it has been overlooked and I'd value some input...

Hi Sandstone,
I'm new so you dont know me, I lived in Europe for a long time. What you posted was actually a little trigger for me and I got really angry remembering what its like to deal with the NHS. I know that it's very hard when people throw out labels of personality disorders and say 'seriously mentally ill' like they're just diagnosing a bacterial infection or something. I hope it makes you feel a little better to know that I had access to private care and then I suddenly didnt, the difference was enormous. I doubt a non NHS doctor would have thrown around autism or borderline to someone your age that has had trauma, I think its really irresponsible. So many books and articles I've read say that ptsd can look like borderline behavior when the person is triggered and unaware of it. That is not at all the same thing as having the personality disorder. Autism for struggling to find words and avoiding eyes? thats ridiculous, we all do that in therapists offices. Well, hope you didnt mind my tirade on your behalf, take it one day at a time with those idiots and always get other opinions. :)

 

[Sandstone]

And here I am , up and out of bed at 3am, after a couple of hours awake, trying to workout why I'm still so distressed about this. Most things simmer down after a day or so.

I know there were two things going on for me. One was simple fear of having to talk about myself. Not even fear of mentioning the traumas, but a combination the long term belief that it is unacceptable to express anything about my inward self, together with the more recent certainty that I am innately WRONG. Expressing myself will make that apparent to others. Writing here doesn't seem so dangerous as speaking, and speaking with my old T didn't seem so bad because I felt we were collaborating.

The other that I can identify is my reaction to being told black is white. I spent so much of my life with people assuring me that things had not happened, that I was not distressed. There was so much concealment in the family, over multiple generations. It is very important to me to speak the absolute truth. So being told that doing so suggests a form of mental illness I know I don't have is doubly distressing.

I know there was more than that, but I haven't yet worked out what - apart from the obvious about listing and describing the traumas, which I realise I did with my hands over my face.

 

[sedna]

And here I am , up and out of bed at 3am, after a couple of hours awake, trying to workout why I'm st...

It's absolutely normal for trauma or abuse survivors to have trouble looking at someone when they are talking about themselves. Especially when they know they are being clinically assessed and feel vulnerable with an unfamiliar doctor. I asked to speak with my therapist on the phone...I'd even lie and say I had the flu sometimes to get out of the exposure factor. Does that mean I'm Autistic? or a Schizoid disorder? No. It really does sound to me that your doctor is incompetent to some degree, at least when it comes to what PTSD or C-ptsd is. Dont over think him and his comments. Do what you can to get into someone else and while your waiting google all the personality or mental disorders that can be mistakenly given to a PTSD sufferer as a diagnosis. Knowledge is power.

 

[Sandstone]

Do what you can to get into someone else

He is giving a "second" opinion, as a part of a long. long process that I won't go into here. His report will help decide what, if anything, I get offered now I've run out of sessions with the T (psychologist), and she has recommended that I need specialist trauma / dissociation treatment. So the seriously ill comment may help, as it may mean that something happens, but if he diagnoses the wrong thing then heaven knows what may be decided. That is why it matters, on a logical basis.

I'm more concerned though with unpicking and defusing my reaction to it. I need to get my approximation of stability back.

 

[sedna]

There are so many helpful sites on the misdiagnosis and similarity of symptoms. Try google USA instead of google UK. It helps me feel centered when I feel misunderstood. The thing about rationalizing the acceptance of a misdiagnosis with figuring you'll get help for the same symptoms, no matter what the label is idea, is that it never goes away from your paperwork. Until someone else calls it a misdiagnosis and then its still there. I was misdiagnosed as Bi- polar and it was mainly because I function really well and am hyper active, then I crash from lack of sleep and cant do anything. The drugs for that helped me sleep for sure, but because Im not Bi-polar they made me a complete zombie. I had no history of Bi-polar symptoms before the age of 40, they started when my children and I were under serious threats for a prolonged time. Like you mentioned in your post, its hard to believe you would suddenly have a personality disorder or mental illness at 40 and its quite a coincidence that it just happens to show up after traumatic events. Dont judge yourself for reacting, that kind of thing throes everyone off for a bit. Take care!:hug:

 

[Suzetig]

The most disconcerting bit was that he said I was seriously mentally ill. I'm just surprised by that. I expected, and still find myself thinking, that the response would be that I was making a fuss over nothing and should pull myself together.

I suspect that part of your abide was to be told over and over again that you were making a fuss about nothing. When in fact you were making a fuss about abusive behaviours, that your perpetrators wanted to hide or cover or dismiss.

I wonder if it helps to think of your reaction in light of having told someone about your trauma, again. It's opened up sounds again and again you've had to think about and acknowledge the terrible things that were done to you. It sounds like you need to be comforted and cared for - that getting annoyed or upset about your reaction would prolong things because your system still might feel under attack. Can you find some space to soothe yourself and accept that it may take some time before you're back on an even keel again?

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Can't believe he told you face to face he thinks you're seriously mentally ill. I find that extremely insensitive. I've had different therapies on the NHS for my mental health and still haven't improved on the area I most need to. Tired of their incompetence :(

 

[Sandstone]

he told you face to face

There seems to be an odd mix of perception going on. I think he felt he could be direct and blunt because I wasn't being emotional. Yet at the same time he was suggesting I'm overly emotional. I do feel that seriously ill phrase devalues me absolutely. He also seemed completely willing to accept my assessment that though there are multiple traumas, each was on the mild end of the spectrum. He did though, pick up on my summary " I was a frightened child" Pretty sure he didn't notice that I am again now.

think of your reaction in light of having told someone about your trauma, again. It's opened up

Yes I realise now that I feel violated. As ever, there is nowhere to go with that - except here - thank you all.

soothe yourself and accept that it may take some time before you're back on an even keel again

I can, to the extent that I know that after anything that takes me out of the house I need to recuperate. Add in a bit more complicated medical news, and I see I need to stop.

 

[Suzetig]

Multiple "mild" traumas can be devastating because your sense of safety is utterly undermined over and over again. Especially if you were a child, because you rely so much on others to keep you safe at that stage of life. So yes I'd expect you to be struggling with trauma even if your experience was in the "mild" end.

 

[Sandstone]

All I'm hearing in my head now, in a mocking tone, is " Oooh, I feel violated. Stop the self-indulgent psychobabble and get on with your life. All you did was sit a room with a man, with your husband present, for three hours. Just cut out all this rubbish"

 

[Suzetig]

Ah I've felt completely violated in a room with people who care about me but I felt out of control and exposed. I wonder how it would be to stop beating yourself up for the way you feel? You're entitled to your feelings even if you think they don't make sense.