Nhs Crawls On

[Sandstone]

I used to believe that. I used to be able to say, I may be different, but I'm happy and successful, so I rather like being different. Now I'm so aware that what I feel is wrong. It seems that his comments have just confirmed that. I said once before to my T that I can't even do being mentally ill properly.

 

[Sandstone]

Do you have a technique for not

beating yourself up for the way you feel

I usually push myself by means of a good beating. Anything else seems rather self satisfied.

 

[sedna]

Your feelings are a symptom of what is not working properly. You dont have a disease caused by your feelings. It's the doctor or therapists job to correctly diagnose the cause, so the symptoms of your feelings get better. I really cant stress enough the difference between American healthcare and the NHS. Please keep in mind that theyre number one goal is to cut down their own costs and ethics isnt the priority with most of them, although theyre not all bad. The difference between being a Bordeline personality, which would just mean counseling, and having ptsd is that ptsd will require treatments and qualifies as a disability. I'm not trying to tell you that you cant trust any doctors at all or you shouldnt listen to him. I just have the perspective of a foreigner, where maybe it would be harder for you to be objective about how the system may working in your case. If you dont like his second opinion, and the NHS wont refer you to a different doctor, I suggest you research ways to get around it. The squeaky wheel gets the grease!...Keep your sense of humor too. At times I've needed help I remembered that if they think Im nuts, why do I have to be polite nuts? I can be pushy nuts and still feel judged either way.

 

[Sandstone]

I want the old me back, who did things without analysing them over and over, who could be spontaneous and generous without looking for the selfish motive in that generosity, who had a huge capacity for enjoying and sharing that enjoyment.

But I think that must have been a delusion. I must actually have been as foul then as I am now. Psychiatrist is probably right. I am nasty to the core. I shouldn't have had children, because if I am that horrible and selfish I must have destroyed their lives. I circle back to that endless refrain " I have no right to exist" All about me, me, me again.

 

[sedna]

Hey Sandstone , stop that !:stop: Your just in a terrible mood at the moment. Feelings dont really define anything. Lots of people feel great about themselves when they are actually an irritating buffoon. I was just discussing Trump with someone for example. This also means that no matter how deeply you can feel you've ruined people or are a horrible person , it can be equally invalid.

When your stuck with circling thoughts or obsessive feelings it can make you feel hopeless really quickly. See if you can distract yourself as much as possible to get out of your own head. Maybe go for some walks, eat a lot of chocolate and get your feel good chemistry going a little. And actually, your life is all about "you you you" because its your life, and you have a right to keep trying to find ways to make it better for yourself. Thats not selfish.

Hang in there

 

[Sandstone]

Thanks for the Trump comment - made me smile.

I do lots of distraction, but as soon as I stop distracting those thoughts are ready to pounce back Until this week I didn't think I was a bad parent, I thought I'd done it quite adequately. Now I can't see how I can have done anything else. My sibling decided not to have children, for fear of passing on our family dynamic. Perhaps I should have done that too.

I'm left with this belief that someone in authority has said that I am the problem, that I am intrinsically WRONG, so it must be true.

 

[sedna]

Thanks for the Trump comment - made me smile.

I do lots of distraction, but as soon as I stop distra...

Sandstone, I have felt like I never should have had children also. While I can easily say that their fathers extreme stalking and abuse was why I fell apart and couldnt parent and its not hard to find people to tell me that to make me feel better. The reality is that I made some major errors in judgement when I had kids with that guy in the first place, then let him run the show in a foreign country. My own dysfunction was playing out, it wasnt all bad luck.

I have parents that are incapable of apologizing or even acknowledging anything they have ever done thats hurtful. I have a brother that is a psychologist, he still hates our parents, yet he never accepts responsibility for making me mistakes with his own son. For this reason, with my boys, I make an effort to accept responsibility for the mistakes I've made and tell them how sorry I am. Even as young teenagers, I would tell them some things arent my fault, and some things are. Somethings I tried really hard and failed, at other times I was selfish and not making enough effort.

If either of my parents, after all of their horrific crazy behavior, had ever looked me in the eye and acknowledged how they had hurt us and showed some empathy and remorse, I would have forgiven them in an instant. Because your children want to love you, they want to feel seen by you. They want to see you survive with some dignity and take care of yourself because you're a part of them. Someday if they have huge struggles, they will be able to think of you as inspirational, not tragic. You're imperfect and you have bigger hurdles than the average person, trying to hide it or feeling like a failure because of it are not the best way to handle your struggles with your children. My kids have always said that watching me do the wrong thing was just as effective as showing them how to do things right would have been!....I'm a great example of what goes wrong when you just give up and throw yourself into despair.

As far as professional opinions go, I was actually lucky in that regard. Up until my breakdown and divorce, I had socialized with numerous doctors, attorneys and psychology professionals because of the lifestyle I had. I've seen up close that they are no different, often just as dysfunctional. if not more so. If there was a psychiatrist and a car mechanic living on my street right now, and I was told one of them had a personality disorder and a pill habit, I'd guess it was the psychiatrist. I've always been able to shrug off that kind of authority figure, I've seen them drunk, I've seen them treat their kids like crap ( they are almost always bad parents ) and for some reason attorneys tend to be perverts I've noticed. Anyway, they are just people that were good students and managed to pay for advanced degrees. They are just like everyone else, until you find a knowledgeable and sincere professional, then you can relax a little and trust the process.

Have faith Sandstone. :)

 

[Lucycat]

The most disconcerting bit was that he said I was seriously mentally ill.

If a doctor said you had a serious bout of pneumonia would you be offended? I suspect not. I get the impression he was trying to validate your problems not insult you.

My T once told me I was seriously (mentally) ill, when I was busy trying to deny it and suggesting that I was ready to return to work. He had to be firm with me - I would have been a risk to myself and others. I was busy trying to minimise my symptoms because I felt like my problems were just not as bad as other people that I have seen. Now I am far better and can see just how bad I was. My behaviour was out of the ordinary and I was perceived as 'odd' - still am sometimes, but I now know that is what CPTSD does to you. It is a serious illness to be treated seriously.

 

[Sandstone]

It is always a surprise to me that I am ill at all. After five years, I'm still thrown when it affects me, because for 25 years or more my self talk was "I'm a woman, I'm strong" Now I feel like a small weak child. It is so unlikely.

Added to that, I expected him to tell me I was making a fuss, over-reacting, clearly not deserving of any support or treatment. That would fit better with both my life experience and my dealings with the NHS lately. They were supposed to reply the "complaint" by last Friday, having already extended their allowed response time, but nothing has materialised. I need to put together a self help or self treatment plan. Just to top it all off, my very kind GP is going to be away for the next six months.