Sexual Assault Nightmares And Guilt

[Rumors]

I have nightmares..the kind where I jump out of bed, heart racing, and take off running until I realize I am 40 and not 5 and I am in my home and he is not here. I don't know how to make that stop.

I started seeing a therapist after my mom died last year. My mom was my best bud and we were very close although I never was able to talk to her about my abuse. My mom was a sweet lady but was a bit emotionally spent and I always felt it was my duty to protect her from bad stuff, not the other way around. I love her dearly and miss her everyday.

My dad is still living. He is a great guy and one of my heroes. The passing of my mom has been terribly hard for him. They were married 46 years.

My abuse was from a relative. My parents had no clue as they were always pretty busy with their own stuff and my awkwardness as a kid they never attributed to that. I was quiet mostly and had one very close friend that I spent all my time with. I trusted her but never told her. I started therapy bc my mom had died, I was now primary caregiver to my mom's mom who was also ill, and my dad. My husband had a heart attack, one of many, 3 weeks after my mom died, and my brother is a dreadful alcoholic...needless to say, I wanted to jump from the highest building and never look back..

BUT, I have a son that is the coolest kid ever! The thought of leaving him motherless and unprotected in a crazy world made me rethink my plan..so, I went to therapy.

I started talking about all the other stuff when it all came up and out. I haven't actually worked on dealing with all of this and I know that but every time I do, I recognize things I really don't like about myself and the anxiety of thinking about the dreadful incidents make me sick. Actually, this is the first time I have ever even written about anything bc I can't stand the nature of the conversation. However, forgetting is not an option. I can't seem to stuff it back in a box which is really what I would like to do.

I have nightmares, my intimate relationship with my husband suffers, I freak out being in certain public scenarios, I have anxiety attacks, I get depressed, and I find that I do not like myself AT ALL and then the guilt eats away at my gut!

So, here I am, tired and frustrated and not knowing what to do and the thought of creating this thread makes me sick. I haven't gone into great detail about my abuse with my t and don't know if it will make a difference or not. I actually try not to talk about it but she maneuvers the conversation around to that generally. I understand that is her job but I am so not into discussing things and especially not in detail.

All I know is that I am pretty lost, sad, and confused and don't know how to move past being scared and embarrassed to discuss. All I do know is that I want to be the very best mom I can and I feel like I am sucking! My sweet boy has had enough to deal with in the last year and I am working like hell to be his stability. I have no room or time to be a basket case and I am worried dredging up all of this will inevitably take time and resources away from him.

<Edited - added paragraph breaks for ease of reading.>

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi Rumors, I feel for, I really do. Trying to keep it together for family is tough, but unless you deal with your abuse, in my opinion, things won't get any better. It's not something that will just go away.

I've been in your situation, where all you want to do is stuff the memories away. Admittedly, I didn't have a family to look after, but I understand your concerns.

However, this is something you need to deal and face (sooner rather than later). I really think you do need to talk about the abuse in therapy, and explore your emotions surrounding this. It will be tough, have no doubt, but it will be worth it in the end. And that doesn't have to take years. I believe that you can deal with trauma in a relatively short time, if you have the right support systems in place for you and your family. I have little doubt that some serious hard work now, will reap benefits for you and your family in the future.

 

[Rumors]

I didn't do so hot today... jumped around the issues and got out of there as quickly as possible, my usual. Maybe next time?? So, for tonight, I will settle with a big margarita, with an extra shot or two, and snuggling with my son. I can worry about the extra stuff another day! Hope all is well with everyone else..
Thanks for the post and the encouragement cherryblossom..

 

[crazytrain]

Rumors, I agree with CB about the not giving up the therapy! I know it is like having someone constantly poking their finger in a gaping wound and then asking "Does this hurt?"; poke "Does this hurt"; poke. But, the longer it goes covered up, the longer it has to spoil and rot underneath. It will come out eventually and rear its ugly head, because we humans are not equipped to handle certain things on our own. I am thinking that childhood abuse (of any kind), especially long-term (as in DSENOS), fits into this category nicely.

If you are snuggling with your son I am assuming he is still fairly little (young). He will need even more stability when he is a teenager, trust me on this one! There is a tween stage that wasn't so bad for us, but the youngsters and the teenagers are very draining ( of course there are many exceptions; nature really has no "rules", the bitch!;)).

So, my sage advice for the day is to decide if the T is right for you or not, and then go for it! There is an amazing song out called "What Have You Got To Lose?", by the Christian Southern Rock band Third Day. It is very meaningful for me and always brings tears to my eyes; sometimes lots and lots of them! Nonetheless, it is an amazing song filled with the joy of knowing that our Creator does not judge us; He came to rid us of the feelings and consequences of sin, shame and guilt. I still struggle with all of these, and many more, but songs like this one are a great reminder of all I have to lose!

Thought you might like it, too!

Toodles,
CT

 

[Rumors]

I would agree, CT, that we humans are unable to cope with certain things in life on our own. I really appreciate your advice and will most definitely try and discuss things with my T during my next visit. Perhaps I could just get out that "it" is the root cause of my anxiety and maybe we could allocate some time each session to discuss.

Do you have to give up details? My issues currently are all the flashbacks and my mind wandering through the events that occurred and trying to figure out the most intricate details of the happenings. That part is driving me crazy. I really don't want to know the details but it is almost like I am trying to find a mistake in my memory so that I can say, "oh well, then it didn't happen." Make sense? I don't know... I am just struggling. Sorry.

On another note, my son keeps me grounded pretty well. He is 8 and I take advantage that he still calls me, "mommy" and thinks I am cool right now. We are reading the Magic Tree House series together and last night we hit the climax of the book about bed time. He was upset and couldn't wait to find out what happened to the kids tonight. Great age and so much fun. I didn't do those things at his age, so in some ways I find myself living vicariously through him.

Best to all today.. Stay safe.

 

[Broken2]

The level of detail depends on your comfort level. I haven't been with my T for long but she's broached the subject almost every time, asking if I want to talk about "him". I have always said no. She knows I have trust issues. So we talk all around it. Just because you have a big giant ugly story to tell doesn't mean there aren't other important stressful and/or traumatic things in your life that need addressing. So go at your own pace on that one. I think talking about it before you're really ready can hurt more than putting it on the back burner with the intention of addressing it.

Keep in mind that isn't the same as denying it. It's enough to say that it happened. Get to the details later, if and when.

How would you feel about talking about the experience of nightmares and/or flashbacks? Sometimes that can be helpful both for its own sake and for getting to the really tough stuff.

Take care of yourself. Not only is it a matter of survival for you, you're showing your son how it's done.

 

[crazytrain]

Rumors, my son turned 8 in May and we LOVE the Magic Tree House series as well! It is a great age, and it makes me very sad that I had to miss his 8th birthday this year. Couldn't even send him a card or talk to him on the phone.

On the good side, I find for me that talking about the details is difficult because I tend to not have a lot of details. Sometimes talking about the generality of the situation can entice some of the other stuff out over time. I agree with Broken2 that it is not all about "getting it all out" at once; this phase in your life is going to be a process, so take your time and do it right. Doing it right is totally up to you, whatever your pace and comfort level is. A good T will gently push you to keep working forward, though, because we are all human and we do not generally willingly go places that are potentially hurtful. Sometimes we need to do some really hard, painful things in order to heal, though.

Keep up the good work and keep snuggling with that youngster, and keep turning those pages with him! Those are the types of things he will remember for a long time!

CT

 

[Rumors]

Thanks for the words all. It means more than you know. I feel like I am at this crossroads in life and I am looking down two roads. One is bright and cheery and happy and the other is lonely and destructive. I know what path I WANT to take but my "other side" sends me into poor decisions and bad choices. It is a wonder I have made it as far as I have. I attribute much of that to becoming a mother and wife!

I can only hope that everyone reading this is finding peace and comfort this evening. I am headed to snuggle with my son and find out what is going to happen in the last couple chapters of this Magic Tree house story, CT. LOL! I hope you are snuggling happy and healthy with your son as well! It is a magical age and I am blessed to have this little guy in my life. I look at him and wish all the peace, joy, and love in the world for him. It tragically reminds me sometimes of being that age and being so scared and lonely though. It makes me even more protective of him and more aware of his friends and where he goes... I hope in a good way.

Best to all!!

 

[Rumors]

Dreading bedtime. Praying for some good rest...

Hope everyone else can have some too!

 

[crazytrain]

Thanks, Rumors, but I have not been able to see my family in going on 5 months now.

I haven't been able to speak with or even correspond with my children at all, my three year old foster son that we got when he was 6 mos old has been taken out of the home and placed into an adoptive home, and I have seen my wife once in this same time frame. We email at least, but not often and they are usually so banal that I find myself angry about them. I have so much emotional turmoil I am in that I don't always want to hear about one of the boys learning how to ride a bike this week, or see pics from their beach vacation.

She doesn't understand how hurtful they are to me right now; I have NEVER missed any important event with my family until this Spring/Summer; now I have missed lots. My son's pre-school graduation, my older ones birthday and party at Chuck E. Cheese, three family outings now, camping trips...and just the simple stuff I have missed, like reading stories, snuggling on the couch to watch shows, wrestling in the living room. It all adds up to a mountain of loneliness, anger and frustration for me to deal with, and emotional loss is my biggest trigger.

So, it has been a real crappy summer so far in so many ways. Oh yeah; not to mention the whole being 40 without a job (I stayed at home with the kids the past 8 years), so no income, no family, few friends, I live with my mother who has severe depression as well, as well as anxiety, and I am now at least $40,000 in debt from lawyers fees and cost of living expenses. I do a lot of work around my mom's house to offset some of the cost, and I eat like crap now, so food isn't too bad; I don't go very far with my car so gas isn't too bad either. It just adds up to a great big s@#$ pile that gets overwhelming after a while, you know?

Sorry, that was my soap box moment! I really DO hope you hang onto your snuggling and reading time; for me, it was there one day, completely gone the very next morning. Life's curveballs really suck sometimes!

CT

 

[Rumors]

CT,
I hope you are finding some resolutions to your family issues. It seems like the lawyers are the only ones who really come out in times like these. I pray you are finding some peace and structure in what is an awful time for you. I am very sorry.

I continue snuggling with my son and using him to ground my wandering mind. I had an appointment with my T this week and once again did the dance mostly and got out. I am just a miserable communicator and I am always in desperate fear of having a melt down. The only thing I can say that I can control with relative regularity is my reaction to outside interaction. I don't cry over much, the loss of a loved one or something happening to my son, but other than that, I do well to not show emotion. I like it that way bc it makes me feel like I am in control of at least something. I don't fear her reaction as much as I fear my own. I have never cried over what happened as a kid.

I hope everyone is safe and well this evening. Best wishes to all. CT, I hope you are snuggling with your son soon!!

 

[crazytrain]

Thanks, Rumors. It is still going to be a while, but I am finding solace and company in this forum and the ptsd forum. I am also busy trying to find consistent work, so hopefully something turns up soon.

I know what you mean about the emotional stuff. I tend to fluctuate between having my heart on my sleeve (very emotional, cry easily) to being almost emotionally dead or at least muted. That is where I am at right now, so it has been easier for me to deal with my mounting losses. It has been worse as far as reaching out to people I know, though. It has been tough, no getting around that part, but I adapt and survive! That's how I have managed to make it to age 40!

CT