'nightmares' While Awake

[LilacMoon]

(Background on me)
I grew up in an abusive household (with one alcoholic parent and one mostly absent parent), with a combo of constant violence and relentless verbal abuse. As a result, I suffered a lot of anxiety as a child and I never (ever) felt safe. At school things weren’t much better, as I was very introverted and constantly bullied (emotionally and sometimes physically).

As an adult, however, I am professionally successful, independent and well-functioning. ( I do not take any medications and have no interest in any type of professional therapy – no offense to those who do).

The only main thing I still struggle with are frequent nightmares/night terrors, as well as what I can only describe as ‘nightmarish ‘visions’/ 'daymares' while I am awake. ( just like nightmares, except I am not asleep, and much, much shorter. )

They are just very brief flashes or images of something either extremely graphic and violent or just something really disturbing and unsettling.

It happens sometimes a few times a day (usu when I am just at home, doing chores, etc in my apartment). They are really just ‘images’ (not hallucinations, voices, etc) but the past few years these 'images' (as well as my nightmares/night terrors) have seemed more frequent.

NONE of these nightmares/ 'daymares' however, are flashbacks (none of them are of anything that has actually happened to me.) They are all of terrible or violent things I imagine could happen / fear happening. (but I see them in flashes... lastly barely a second or two, that's it.)

It does not affect my work as I am a freelance artist/writer, so I have my own schedule and do most of my work from home. And I physically function (overall) just fine.

** I also do not take any medications, smoke or consume alcohol, and I have no history of mental illness in my family. **

However, these nightmares do cause me some degree of (constant) paranoia since they occur fairly often (and because they are so graphic). I KNOW they aren’t real / really happening, and it is all just in my mind, but it nonetheless is still unsettling.

Has anyone else out there experienced anything similar? And is there a name/term for what I am experiencing??

** (I manage to get a full 8 hours (at least) per night/day and do not have a sleep disorder. ( I just prefer to do most of my work at night because I am and have always been a night owl, and because I am my own boss, I have the freedom and luxury to do that.)

Physically I am in perfect health, and take excellent care of my body ( a balanced, healthy diet as well as regular exercise). I know this is a personal issue (that I attribute entirely to my nightmarish upbringing), I am just curious as to who else out there has experienced something similar to this….

P.S. - I am not religious, so please do not offer me any 'religious'-type advice. I am (respectfully) not interested. Thank you.

 

[Sandstone]

Welcome.

To answer just one of your questions, the name seems to be Intrusive Thoughts. They can be a feature of a number of conditions, PTSD being one, OCD another.

My T regards them in the same light as visual flashbacks - mine tend to be images repeated from my nightmares. She suggests managing them with sensory distractions to remind me of the here and now - strong scents like lavender and rosemary are one example.

I'm curious about your resistance to therapy - tell me more.

 

[LilacMoon]

Thank you for your suggestions. I appreciate it :). I have never heard of [Intrusive Thoughts] so I will definitely be googling that!

In regards to my 'resistance to therapy' it is simply due to the fact that I know myself and my personality very well, and sharing any (super) intimate details face-to-face with any stranger is just not anything I would (or ever will be) comfortable with.

(*I know different things work for different people, and I completely respect that.)

Since I write and create art for a living, that in and of itself, is a form of 'self-help' for me that in I find deeply therapeutic and calming (moreso than another human being could provide or initiate for me). Plus, it's also free. ;)

I also am very private and very independent and enjoy doing things on my own, my own way.

The things I went through as a child were very traumatic for me, but I also think they made me a stronger and more determined, focused and driven individual because of it. My experiences allowed me to have a better understanding of certain issues and people, as well as a heightened level of awareness, sensitivity and empathy towards others that I don't know if I would have, hadn't I experienced what I experienced.

So I choose to look at it as an asset, (not a weakness, misfortune or defect).

You can't control everything that happens to you in life, but you can control what you do with it.

And the choices I have made for myself (in my adult life) I have found to be the most positive, constructive & beneficial for me, and I am proud to have come as far as I have.

I have nothing but the utmost respect for others who have undergone their own personal traumas/abuse and have had the bravery to confront their issues & demons, by whatever means they found to be most helpful and effective for them personally. :tup:

 

[anonymous]

I'm guessing that you're self diagnosing yourself with ptsd?

 

[LilacMoon]

I have spoken to professionals on other internet psychology forums (anonymously), and that was their overall conclusion, yes.

 

[anonymous]

Please don't self-diagnose. It doesn't do you any good, it doesn't do anybody any good. I've seen those other forums....Many are a joke, and none can diagnose, no matter what they say.

I'd lean more to saying you have symptoms of PTS but fall short of the full disorder given that you can choose to not let your symptoms affect you. Well, quite frankly, that's not what PTSD is about. I know that in the older versions of the DSM there was a component where symptoms must have a negative and significant impact on functioning, and that doesn't sound like you in the least. Those of us who have been diagnosed cannot simply "choose" to not let our symptoms affect us. That is, we have a "disorder" and you're sort of missing the "disorder" part of it all....rather, if you can choose to not let it affect you, its more along the lines of well within the scope of normal human experience.

 

[joeylittle]

Intrusive thoughts.
As @stenni said, they can be involved in Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), also PTSD, also an Anxiety disorder, also probably 10 more diagnoses.

In regards to my 'resistance to therapy' it is simply due to the fact that I know myself and my personality very well, and sharing any (super) intimate details face-to-face with any stranger is just not anything I would (or ever will be) comfortable with.

I was like this for quite a while. I think it could be helpful to recognize that you don't actually know yourself as well as you think - you are having seemingly random flashes of graphic imagery, it's putting you in a majority state of paranoia, and you can't control it.

Either you would like to get help with it, or you will figure out how to tolerate it. But as you said - you aren't able to actually convince yourself it's nothing, even though intellectually you know it's not real, hasn't happened, won't happen. So right now, you aren't tolerating it.

You might have PTSD. You are showing a symptom of it - one. One symptom does not make a disorder. If this is the only symptom you are having trouble managing, but you do have others that you can wrangle, bear in mind that as symptoms start emerging (for any mental health issue) they generally don't clear on their own. You are sleeping, eating well, taking care of yourself, etc - so there isn't anything for you to do besides get some kind of therapy, whether it's trying to take yourself through a workbook or just going ahead and seeing a qualified practitioner.

If you had chronic pain in your left arm that occasionally made it spasm uncontrollably, and you thought it might be due to some time when you strained it, but you really aren't sure what is causing it now - would you choose to see a doctor? If the answer is yes, there's no reason to not go and see a psychologist for your intrusive thoughts. If you answer "no", then I do wish you good luck - but it's not likely to get better on its own.

I wish I would have gotten help for my depression much, much earlier. It would have been easier. That's my bias here. Your first post reminds me a great deal of me, about 10 years before it all fell on my head.

 

[Friday]

The following is the diagnostic list for PTSD from the DSMV. The very first criteria is the one most people stumble on, because not all trauma is capital T, Criterion A Stressor level Trauma. So people start claiming PTSD from all sorts of silly, normal life, things. Painful? Yes. But life is often painful. We're built to cope wih all kinds of painful things. Pain in and of itself doesn't equate to a permanent change in the brain and a life of disorder.

The next bit, though, is that not all people who do experience capital T, Criterion A level trauma go on to develop PTSD! Not all combat vets, or abused children, or rape victims, or disaster survivors, or cops, EMTs, etc., develop PTSD. Current numbers estimate apx 20%. The other 80% ? Go on to lead normal lives. Are, as you say, made stronger or are able to choose to move past, etc. All about choice and outlook. Someone with PTSD has about as much choice as someone with diabetes. Both are manageable, but you cannot think your pancreas or your brain into changing, just because you want it to.

While you meet CritA? The 1 symptom (maybe even 2 if refusing to see a therapist falls under avoidance) you have doesn't meet diagnostic criteria. There have to be a bare minimum of 7. It's exactly like going to a doctor with a fever. Yes. The fever is a symptom of Malaria. But it doesn't mean all by itself that you have Malaria. Or Measles. Or Rhinovirus. Or anything else that has a symptom of a fever. The other symptoms also have to coincide.

There is Delayed Expression / Onset PTSD. Many, many, many people ... Like @joeylittle demonstrates above will be essentially fine... Until one day the lid is thrown off of pandora's box. Loss of a coping mechanism that was keeping things in check is a common one. So is retraumatization, although it doesn't have to be life threatening if PTSD is already lurking.

As others have said, no one online can diagnose you. In addition to exhaustive psychological testing to rule out other disorders and conditions, a full medical workup is required to rule out physiological causes.

My hope is that you're in the roughly 80% who will experience cap T Trauma in their lives, and not go on to develop PTSD. No one who has this disorder wants it.

_____________________________________________

Criterion A: stressor
The person was exposed to: death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence, as follows: (one required)

1. Direct exposure.
2. Witnessing, in person.
3. Indirectly, by learning that a close relative or close friend was exposed to trauma. If the event involved actual or threatened death, it must have been violent or accidental.
4. Repeated or extreme indirect exposure to aversive details of the event(s), usually in the course of professional duties (e.g., first responders, collecting body parts; professionals repeatedly exposed to details of child abuse). This does not include indirect non-professional exposure through electronic media, television, movies, or pictures.

Criterion B: intrusion symptoms
The traumatic event is persistently re-experienced in the following way(s): (one required)

1. Recurrent, involuntary, and intrusive memories. Note: Children older than six may express this symptom in repetitive play.
2. Traumatic nightmares. Note: Children may have frightening dreams without content related to the trauma(s).
3. Dissociative reactions (e.g., flashbacks) which may occur on a continuum from brief episodes to complete loss of consciousness. Note: Children may reenact the event in play.
4. Intense or prolonged distress after exposure to traumatic reminders.
5. Marked physiologic reactivity after exposure to trauma-related stimuli.

Criterion C: avoidance
Persistent effortful avoidance of distressing trauma-related stimuli after the event: (one required)

1. Trauma-related thoughts or feelings.
2. Trauma-related external reminders (e.g., people, places, conversations, activities, objects, or situations).

Criterion D: negative alterations in cognitions and mood
Negative alterations in cognitions and mood that began or worsened after the traumatic event: (two required)

1. Inability to recall key features of the traumatic event (usually dissociative amnesia; not due to head injury, alcohol, or drugs).
2. Persistent (and often distorted) negative beliefs and expectations about oneself or the world (e.g., "I am bad," "The world is completely dangerous").
3. Persistent distorted blame of self or others for causing the traumatic event or for resulting consequences.
4. Persistent negative trauma-related emotions (e.g., fear, horror, anger, guilt, or shame).
5. Markedly diminished interest in (pre-traumatic) significant activities.
6. Feeling alienated from others (e.g., detachment or estrangement).
7. Constricted affect: persistent inability to experience positive emotions.

Criterion E: alterations in arousal and reactivity
Trauma-related alterations in arousal and reactivity that began or worsened after the traumatic event: (two required)

1. Irritable or aggressive behavior
2. Self-destructive or reckless behavior
3. Hypervigilance
4. Exaggerated startle response
5. Problems in concentration
6. Sleep disturbance

Criterion F: duration
Persistence of symptoms (in Criteria B, C, D, and E) for more than one month.

Criterion G: functional significance
Significant symptom-related distress or functional impairment (e.g., social, occupational).

Criterion H: exclusion
Disturbance is not due to medication, substance use, or other illness.

Specify if: With dissociative symptoms.
In addition to meeting criteria for diagnosis, an individual experiences high levels of either of the following in reaction to trauma-related stimuli:

1. Depersonalization: experience of being an outside observer of or detached from oneself (e.g., feeling as if "this is not happening to me" or one were in a dream).
2. Derealization: experience of unreality, distance, or distortion (e.g., "things are not real").

Specify if: With delayed expression.
Full diagnosis is not met until at least six months after the trauma(s), although onset of symptoms may occur immediately.

References

1. American Psychiatric Association. (2013) Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, (5th ed.). Washington, DC: Author.

 

[LilacMoon]

Thank you (all) for taking the time to share your insight and information. I appreciate it.

 

[Frankenjohn]

It sounds like PTSD, something I have battled for over forty years. I knew something was wrong with me, but I never shared it with anyone. I finally went for help in 2010, and was formally diagnosed with PTSD. I didn't know what that was then, but I do now. I've been in treatment since then, and was an inpatient at the Va Mental health facilities in Menlo Park for over four months. These are just a few of my creds.
Most people do not want to share traumatic events, most tend to push them farther and farther away, bury them. Your opening up a little in this forum is a big step in the right direction. You need to seek professional help. A doctor who specializes in PTSD. This stuff doesn't go away, but there are treatment (no electricity) that can help you reduce the stress your under. It can help reduce and manage the pain.
It was very traumatic for me just to seek help, but after that initial session I could see that I might be able to go forward with therapy. It's not easy, but it's worth it.

 

[greenleaf]

I'd lean more to saying you have symptoms of PTS but fall short of the full disorder given that you can choose to not let your symptoms affect you.

I'm going to have to strongly disagree with this... People who experienced chronic trauma can sometimes end up with a brain that's really good at separating out the trauma into dissociated "parts" of the personality; their brains actually show *more* grey matter in certain areas that have *less* in "regular" PTSD.

http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi/abs/10.1176/appi.ajp.2009.09081168

This doesn't mean that the person as a whole doesn't have PTSD!!! One model of this: "everyday" skills and most of what feels like "you" functions as an almost normal personality ("ANP"); the trauma is stuffed into parts ("EP") that hold the trauma/PTSD stuff, and may or may not shadow or influence the ANP. (Other people switch between multiple ANPs too; "DID".) The ANP and EP thing is from the Structural Dissociation model, you can Google this...

So sometimes people whose brains did this, can function "normally" for prolonged periods; depending upon exactly how the dissociation is set up, they may or may not be consciously aware of the traumatized "parts" during everyday functioning. A lot of times the person is very aware, like the OP, that they are suffering; the PTSD can be in a shadow world inside that never meets the world outside. The person's behavior is probably really mostly unlike the PTSD that an adult might get who had a "good-enough" childhood but terrible trauma as an adult.

I think that sometimes the EPs might push stuff out to try to get the ANP to get help, in an intuitive sort of way, but it's really hard to interpret what EPs want sometimes -- and without a cognitive model for this stuff and a therapist who gets it, a lot of people traumatized as kids never make a lot of progress in therapy I've read. The trauma effects were set up to be hidden, so they hide really easily based upon pretty primitive safety-based brain "logic"... therapists used to think people were resisting treatment and such on purpose...

It is possible that the OP as a child needed to develop the ability to "act normal" in order to escape into the larger, "safer" society... brains are amazing things and have a lot of evolved capacities to help us survive horrendous circumstances.

The trick can be, to realize what we're missing, by not working to integrate these separate parts; those horrible daytime nightmares really don't have to continue, @LilacMoon ... You don't have to become a dependent child, trust untrustworthy people, or other such things in order to heal this; a good trauma therapist can help you figure this stuff out at your own pace as you want. The structure of it is innately set up to hide aspects of "us" from ourselves thus the need for another mind to help.

p.s. a level of your brain assuming that you *have to act normal* in order to survive, is not the same as "choosing not to let this affect you". When your experience has been that survival issues are involved in something, your brain can function differently; "choices" can be circumscribed for our conscious selves, in my experience.

 

[Friday]

@greenleaf ... I'm curious... When the OP states that she has no symptoms of PTSD, in fact has an amazing life & is a better person for the adversities she's triumphed over, why would you not believe her?