I had a job I liked and thought I was doing ok with. It was during a probationary period. I was told they didn’t like my performance. Needless to say I was blown away. I locked horns with an administrator a few times and there was mutual dislike. My understanding was he had no say over my job. I guess I thought wrong.
I was over half way through probation and was starting to feel comfortable. I was attracted to a coworker which made me want to come to work and even excited about going to work. I’d grown somewhat attached to him.
Anyway I got a phone call from my supervisor I had an appointment with HR the next morning at 8am. I jokingly asked if it was something I needed to pack up my desk over. An awkward silence followed with my supervisor saying that there was a problem with the way I performed my job. Hoping for extension of probation I went through the rest of the day laying on my office floor hyperventilating in a fetal position while quietly sobbing-with the door locked of course. How could it be? I’ve never had a problem with the way I performed my job! I couldn’t afford to lose my salary. It allowed for me to start getting back on my feet after a tough financial time. I could financially take a breath. Though this shouldn’t be a priority what about him? Being fired from this job meant being cut off from the man I was smitten with. Granted he should have not been a concern but the heart wants what the heart wants. At the end of the day I heard his office door close and him walk out realizing that would be the last time I would see him so to speak. How could this be happening? I’m a doctor. We don’t get fired we are asked to resign. Why me?
I went to HR the next morning with my chin held high fighting back the tears. Any hope of there being some sort of reprieve was gone once HR guy came to door. I was left with the impression my supervisor was to be there. No it was just me and HR. As the words “at the request of your supervisors we are separating you from employment” I pushed my keys and badge gently across the table as he was speaking. It just me like a bolt of lightning and left me in shock. I a dedicated physician of over 20 years never fired or even in trouble with HR fired. I was numb and went through the process robotically walking out not saying a word.
What followed was days of crippling depression with no desire to do much more than watch tv and sleep. I didn’t shower for almost a week. I heard from a colleague telling me they were all supporting me with whatever was going on. We spoke twice on the second round I told her I was fired and asked her to keep it between us. I never heard from her or anyone from there again.
There I was unemployed, distraught depressed humiliated and heartbroken. I thought about this man that I had fallen for and was even sadder. I’d never see him again. There was some chemistry between us that I think given time it could have become something good.
I’m going to side track here to tell you I am in my early fifties never been married or had children or many longtime relationships. In a few words lonely and starved for affection. This was my price to pay for having this “rewarding”
career.
Anyway. I have been through the humiliation of going to unemployment to be insulted in order to get a check that is insultingly low for anyone to reasonably live off of. All the while experiencing moodiness anxiety panic attacks and despair.
For the past three months my days have been job applications, the stages of grief at losing a job, rejection after rejection of applications and feeling helpless. I ruminate about the job the people and what I could do to get it back. I wanted my job back. Thrown into the mix I ruminated about him from time to time. It was driving me up a wall.
It finally came to the day that I thought the unthinkable. The pain and humiliation had gotten the best of me. Thankfully I am stubborn, have a godchild I adore and more resilience than I thought possible. It passed and I have been trudging on. The humiliation shame and disbelief continue along with the rejections of job applications and let downs. I’m often angry depressed and anxious all at the same time. I’m burnt out and emotionally spent. Now I’m having nightmares about getting fired over and over again typically waking up covered in sweat shaken helpless and being scared.
I googled “nightmares and being fired”. A description of what I’ve been experiencing came up and suggested it to be somewhat of a PTSD. There was a recommendation to check out this website as sharing with a community could help.
So here I am having nightmares about this already horrific experience. Now the little escape I could get from the emotional clusterf**k the past 3 months of my life has been is gone. I have the should have could have and would have’s
My termination took away my identity self-esteem and self-respect. I’m doing all I can to push forward but cannot get past the trauma of what happened. Being a mental health professional I sought professional help and I’m actively continuing it. I still feel like s**t. Now I have these nightmares making me feel scared, and feeling isolated is there anyone out there that has experienced this?
I was over half way through probation and was starting to feel comfortable. I was attracted to a coworker which made me want to come to work and even excited about going to work. I’d grown somewhat attached to him.
Anyway I got a phone call from my supervisor I had an appointment with HR the next morning at 8am. I jokingly asked if it was something I needed to pack up my desk over. An awkward silence followed with my supervisor saying that there was a problem with the way I performed my job. Hoping for extension of probation I went through the rest of the day laying on my office floor hyperventilating in a fetal position while quietly sobbing-with the door locked of course. How could it be? I’ve never had a problem with the way I performed my job! I couldn’t afford to lose my salary. It allowed for me to start getting back on my feet after a tough financial time. I could financially take a breath. Though this shouldn’t be a priority what about him? Being fired from this job meant being cut off from the man I was smitten with. Granted he should have not been a concern but the heart wants what the heart wants. At the end of the day I heard his office door close and him walk out realizing that would be the last time I would see him so to speak. How could this be happening? I’m a doctor. We don’t get fired we are asked to resign. Why me?
I went to HR the next morning with my chin held high fighting back the tears. Any hope of there being some sort of reprieve was gone once HR guy came to door. I was left with the impression my supervisor was to be there. No it was just me and HR. As the words “at the request of your supervisors we are separating you from employment” I pushed my keys and badge gently across the table as he was speaking. It just me like a bolt of lightning and left me in shock. I a dedicated physician of over 20 years never fired or even in trouble with HR fired. I was numb and went through the process robotically walking out not saying a word.
What followed was days of crippling depression with no desire to do much more than watch tv and sleep. I didn’t shower for almost a week. I heard from a colleague telling me they were all supporting me with whatever was going on. We spoke twice on the second round I told her I was fired and asked her to keep it between us. I never heard from her or anyone from there again.
There I was unemployed, distraught depressed humiliated and heartbroken. I thought about this man that I had fallen for and was even sadder. I’d never see him again. There was some chemistry between us that I think given time it could have become something good.
I’m going to side track here to tell you I am in my early fifties never been married or had children or many longtime relationships. In a few words lonely and starved for affection. This was my price to pay for having this “rewarding”
career.Anyway. I have been through the humiliation of going to unemployment to be insulted in order to get a check that is insultingly low for anyone to reasonably live off of. All the while experiencing moodiness anxiety panic attacks and despair.
For the past three months my days have been job applications, the stages of grief at losing a job, rejection after rejection of applications and feeling helpless. I ruminate about the job the people and what I could do to get it back. I wanted my job back. Thrown into the mix I ruminated about him from time to time. It was driving me up a wall.
It finally came to the day that I thought the unthinkable. The pain and humiliation had gotten the best of me. Thankfully I am stubborn, have a godchild I adore and more resilience than I thought possible. It passed and I have been trudging on. The humiliation shame and disbelief continue along with the rejections of job applications and let downs. I’m often angry depressed and anxious all at the same time. I’m burnt out and emotionally spent. Now I’m having nightmares about getting fired over and over again typically waking up covered in sweat shaken helpless and being scared.
I googled “nightmares and being fired”. A description of what I’ve been experiencing came up and suggested it to be somewhat of a PTSD. There was a recommendation to check out this website as sharing with a community could help.
So here I am having nightmares about this already horrific experience. Now the little escape I could get from the emotional clusterf**k the past 3 months of my life has been is gone. I have the should have could have and would have’s
My termination took away my identity self-esteem and self-respect. I’m doing all I can to push forward but cannot get past the trauma of what happened. Being a mental health professional I sought professional help and I’m actively continuing it. I still feel like s**t. Now I have these nightmares making me feel scared, and feeling isolated is there anyone out there that has experienced this?
