No contact breached, Grey rock not straightforward

[KathK]

Hey…short version (I hope). I’ve been no contact with my biological father for years, took me wanting to protect my son from his narcissism to make the move but best thing I could’ve done with this ‘man’.

So not for the first time he’s breached the no contact, though has been a few years since he last did directly.

I made the mistake of checking my letterbox at home (most post is sent to a post office box), and I found an envelope. I recognised the writing immediately, and it was addressed to my son (though incorrect spelling). I opened it, and started to read it. My son just had his birthday so whilst I expected a narc letter, I wanted to check before I offered my son a read. It was I think a bookmark and a piece of lined notepaper, and in typical fashion it was about ‘his’ family, his ownership implied more than once in a paragraph, and derogatory comments about me, his daughter.

He was derogatory about my mother to me, especially before they divorced, and now he’s trying the same with my son. I’m fuming. Grey rock easier said than done and given I’m barely in contact with my clinicians apart from to keep access to my medication (particularly for physical conditions), I don’t know who to debrief with or what to say.

My son doesn’t know much but he knows I saw my father physically injure my mother and that I choose not to have contact however I’m willing to arrange for him to see his grandfather with another adult present if he wants. I had to explain why his grandmother could be difficult, because of the years of abuse by his grandfather, though naturally I stayed light on details unless or until he wants to know more. He started to read the letter and pushed it away. He’s 16 now, I’d prefer my ‘father’ stays out of our lives, but I’m not taking away the choice from my young man.

I’m just triggered. Reportedly there’s extended half uncle and aunt overseas coming to visit Oz. I’d like to meet them, but if I do I’ll arrange it with my cousin who has met them when she was in Europe and England. I shouldn’t be surprised, but blood is not a possession or entitlement, and it’s thrown me another curveball when I’m already struggling. Needed to vent, and ideas wouldn’t be bad, mainly just needed safe vent though

 

[Movingforward10]

It's totally understandable this has triggered you. His behaviour is the same. Not only ignoring your no contact rule, but then being derogatory about you to your own son. Horrible and terrible behaviour.

And how impressive, that despite all that, you sit your son down and show him the letter and give him the option of what he wants to do. All that shows how totally opposite a person and parent you are.

What usually helps when you are triggered?

Are there positive affirmations that help?
Reminders of the life you have built for yourself despite the obstacles that were put in your way with him as a parent?
Reminder that you have love and genuine connection in your life because you are able to have empathy and authenticity and kindness?

I struggle with my narc mum and not been brave enough to go no contact. So you have done a lot to get to where you are. Like you say, life sometimes throws these curve balls. What I hear in the way you write is someone who is very connected and aware, not only about yourself but others. This feeling will pass.

 

[KathK]

Thank you. I’ve done a lot to try to ensure I parent differently to the styles of toxic parenting I received without going to extremes.
Yes there’s techniques including fur therapy, sensory tools, etc I usually use when triggered, though with so many triggers right now they’re not very effective right now. I’m starting to shutdown again from overload with the amount of triggers, though so on edge and waiting for the next blow to come I’m struggling to even rest. Physical issues, some not addressed as I can’t bring myself to see most of my clinicians or attend medical facilities since medical trauma around new year isn’t helping. I went no contact, made it clear I was doing such and why, and it’s like I can’t escape. Add that my mother is toxic too and trying to break through my strict boundaries around contact isn’t helping.
My mother still won’t acknowledge how cruel and manipulative he was and has even said she deserved to be hit (it was more than that though not always physical), and his new-ish wife has abetted him in manipulative attempts to contact me so he can she off the accessory of blood relations to boost himself, and be derogatory about my mother and now me. It’s all just piling up, and I exhausted to the core at this moment. I can refrain from replying, but of course including the bait of unmet extended blood family that would be nice to meet and possibly could contact without ‘him’ and his wife present, though then how do I explain I can’t have contact with their half sibling who probably only showed the charismatic public mask.
I wish I could just sleep and disappear for a few days at least