Relationship No Exceptions For Common Courtesy

[christine12]

As I have posted before I am currently newly dating a man who suffers from PTSD and he has been very honest and open about his issues and encourages me to get assistance before we go into a relationship so I know completely what I am going into.

However I have some things that I notice irritate me. I am the type of person, even when I feel tired or might not wanna deal with the world, I still will communicate with someone just because its common courtesy. However I today have worked a 14 hour shift and was trying to make idle conversation with him via text and I wasn't getting much back from him....so I inquired what was wrong and asked him why he wasn't conversating. His reply because he wasn't in a chatting mood and my reply was " ok have a good night".

But here is what I was really thinking.... you are supposed to treat others as you would want to be treated. So if I continue to talk to you when I am tired or just not really feeling like I wanna be social (because people without PTSD have those days too) then why should you having PTSD make you exempt from what people should have as common courtesy???????

I know PTSD is hard but where does the rationalizing come into play...The REAL talk come in

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I agree with you Christine. There should be common courtesy in every relationship, PTSD or not.

 

[discarded]

I agree too.

But unfortunately in my relationship it is a one way street. I have to be courteous but my sufferer does not. I often get, "this is the way I am now, deal with it". I find there are two sets of rules, one for him and one for the rest of the world. I struggle all the time with this and have often ended up angry, raising my voice and saying things I don't mean. He said I had become abusive and he was right.

The frustration of it all has taken its toll. There are days when I can see how much of a struggle his life is and let things go, but it all builds up to the point that I explode, only to regret it afterwards. I used to think any reaction from him was better than none at all, but I was very wrong.

Finding the forum has opened my eyes to all the wrong things I was doing, and I have left him to sort out my own issues and I hope some day he will get help to sort his out. On a good day he is courteous, on a bad day, no way.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think with or without PTSD, people have different social values.

When you are beginning a new relationship, sometimes you find that those differences are not compatable and that he/she is not right for you.

For some, it is common curtesy to give others space. The only difference PTSD makes is that the person with PTSD sometimes needs space more urgently and more seriously.

It might be that you can arrange for him to send a quick text or say a code word that just lets you know he doesn't feel like talking.So that you're not left hanging.

But equally, it might be that you may need to compromise the expectation of conversation when you alone feel the need to chat.

 

[LC23]

From how you've told this story, I think you may have expectations that aren't in line with reality. Common courtesy here, as you are defining it, is that he must return your texts promptly and 'conversate' whenever you require it, regardless of his emotional condition. Not everyone operates like that - even if they don't have PTSD - and most people can't be on call for when you decide you need them, certainly not until the relationship gets to a more developed point.

Seriously, of all the things to get ticked in a brand-new relationship over, it's because he didn't return your text message fast enough (sounds a little entitled and passive aggressive if you ask me - if you want real-time interaction, why not call him on the phone and hear his voice?) And then, because when you directly asked him why he didn't want to talk to you right then, he replied with a very simple, direct explanation that carried no particular meanness or insult in it? How are you going to be with him when a REAL problem comes up? It kinda sounds like you're already looking for a way out of this brand-new relationship.

So here's my honest advice: if you need someone that, after dating you for only a very short while, cares more about your tiring 14 hour workday chatter than processing their emotional trauma from seeing people they served with blown apart, don't date a combat vet PTSD survivor. Just end it now and spare both of you some aggravation.

If, on the other hand, you are genuinely interested in caring for him as a person - and not just having him cater to your pre-conceived expecations - let it breathe, don't push anything too hard or too fast, and don't take anything too personally unless you're sure he means it personally or is just being beyond the pale cruel. And for the love of all gods great and small, start learning as much as you can about PTSD and especially combat PTSD.

Have someone else you can call for your post-workday chat, a girl friend or family member you've known for a while and have an understanding with. He may not be able to be everything to you at all times, so you're going to need to find ways to fill in those gaps. That is true of any relationship, not just those with PTSD people.

/non-combat PTSD since I was a child
/happily married to a non-PTSD survivor for the last four years

 

[Nicolette]

However I today have worked a 14 hour shift and was trying to make idle conversation with him via text and I wasn't getting much back from him....so I inquired what was wrong and asked him why he wasn't conversating. His reply because he wasn't in a chatting mood and my reply was " ok have a good night".

But here is what I was really thinking.... you are supposed to treat others as you would want to be treated. So if I continue to talk to you when I am tired or just not really feeling like I wanna be social

Lets break this down....

• You've just worked a 14 hour shift
• You wanted to make idle conversation yet you were tired
• You weren't getting much of a response yet he said he wasn't in a chatting mood.... it was idle conversation and you were tired. The problem here is? :confused:

I am confused as you say you decide you want to talk, he doesn't feel like it, you say you are not really feeling like you want to be social yet you are complaining. I interpret this is neither of you really wanted to talk. Is this correct?

You infer that being someone who is tired and doesn't really want to talk, but is talking is being courteous. But not being talkative and being honest and saying so is not? He didn't just hang up on you, he wasn't rude, yes you may have been disappointed (but you did say you didn't feel like being social) but you said "Ok have a good night" and not "I'd really like to talk to you for longer". This is not about courtesy. It is about you getting what you want.

Why should you having PTSD make you exempt from what people should have as common courtesy???????

I am really sorry but I don't see how any of this relates to a 'PTSD exemption' and even without PTSD, it is not about common courtesy as I see it. It's as simple as you didn't really want to talk yet demonstrated you wanted to and he didn't and you didn't like the truth. Seriously, I think you are being more than unrealistic, unfair and unjust to people who have PTSD assuming that this is an exemption they are seeking.

Deal with someone having a real difficult time with PTSD, who can't function, let alone talk to you even if they wanted to and even that has nothing to do with common courtesy. Common courtesy would be acknowledging they are ill and accepting reasonable limitations during difficult times.

 

[christine12]

I respect everyones opinion and I respect the opinions of people who responded to my post and I take advice and or in this case criticizm and take it into consederation. And I may not have worded my entry in the right manner and maybe I shouldnt have at all due to my own tiredness and irritableness. However for those who made it seem as i was being selfish I just wanted you to know that without any doubts what so ever when I am there for him I mean I am there for him at anytime and at any hour. I just was asking to hold idle conversation because I wanted to talk with him. I still stand my ground and think that, that was not to much to ask for, and regardless no one can tell me otherwise. But thank you for your time have a blessed day

 

[discarded]

Hi Christine 12. I know exactly how you feel. There are times when I would like to have my needs met and it just never seems possible. This PTSD thing wears us supporters down and we have good and bad days just like sufferers do. I think just some simple common courtesy isn't too much to ask, even if it is just an acknowledgement of your needs and a simple I can't be there for you right now. I know there are many out there who will disagree with me on this one but I too am tired of feeling neglected. I would probably accept it more if my sufferer actually got treatment and still couldn't help pushing me aside.

(((((hugs to you Christine))))). I am thinking of you.

 

[Nicolette]

There are times when I would like to have my needs met and it just never seems possible.

Very true and unfortunate - especially with un-managed PTSD.

I think ladies that you may have missed my point. I do understand PTSD, I do understand how lonely it can be at times and how you can be neglected. After dealing with it for a long time what you write about christine12 is something I wouldn't sweat about now but probably upset me in earlier days.

With PTSD it is important to have others to support you as the cruel reality is that someone with PTSD may not always be able to be that person. It can get better, it has for me, but in the earlier stages you have to learn to pick your battles.

I think just some simple common courtesy isn't too much to ask, even if it is just an acknowledgement of your needs and a simple I can't be there for you right now.

This I too agree with but IMO, in the opening post, I believe he did show common courtesy as he said he didn't want to talk and christine12's post read that she said that was "ok". If I have misunderstood I apologise, but if I have it right, you can't play the cryptic female role with PTSD. You can't say "I'm fine" when you are not with PTSD as they have so much going on in their heads they will not know the difference. The best for you is to say the facts and truth (what you really want or need) in clear, precise and short requests.

 

[Dallas]

"I just was asking to hold idle conversation because I wanted to talk with him."

I don't understand what Christine12 meant when she said this. How can you not want to talk, but want to talk at the same time?

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[christine12]

When I made the comment about wanting just to make idle conversation " and I did not say I didnt want to talk to him I said that sometimes if I am tired and dont want to talk I talk regardless because its just courtesy and a good gesture, so I said just because of the PTSD didnt make anyone even me exempt from courtesy. Anyway really over this conversation. SHOUT out to Discarded for atleast understanding what I attempted to say and understanding it, I appreciate it. Hugs to you Discared () ()

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I think what everyone is saying is valid. Everyone is offering very good advice to you from experience from years of dealing with PTSD.

The best thing my supporter did was back off and literally let me come to him. There is really not much else you can do expect learn about PTSD.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

Take care.