No Feelings, And No Depression

[Deleted member 35429]

About a month ago I suddenly stopped dissociating in therapy. Previously I spent 11 months dissociating pretty severely every session and then feeling absolutely gutted all week dealing with the emotions from therapy.

That very suddenly stopped. It's been 5 weeks now with no dissociation. I would say that is good but it's come along with almost no feelings at all. I no longer feel joy and relief from hobbies like playing piano or exercise, sex is far less satisfying which is very odd for me, I usually love sex. I suddenly feel indifferent to therapy whereas before I was desperate to get to therapy each week. If I write to my therapist mid week now I get no satisfaction from seeing his email pop up or reading it. Previously that would bring tremendous relief.

I'm not depressed at all, but my feelings are very muted. This started when dissociation suddenly stopped which in itself was a relief...but even that relief wasn't very satisfying. Nothing right now is satisfying at all. Everything is just, good. Just OK. Even my tremendous work stress is suddenly not stressful. It's just whatever. The projects will get done and I won't worry about them.

What kind of bizarre parallel universe have I entered now? For the record I'm not on any meds.

Anyone shift from full time trauma mode to no feelings at all in the absence of medications?

 

[sun seeker]

Anyone shift from full time trauma mode to no feelings at all in the absence of medications?

It happens to me pretty frequently. So far, it hasn't lasted and I don't see any rhyme or reason the coming and going of feeling. You might want to look up anhedonia, that is the closest I've been able to come to a description of the state that is devoid of strong feelings but not dissociated. Sorry I don't have any better answers than that.

 

[ladee]

I am there now myself. Not depressed, I'm present. But it's like I just simply got off the hamster wheel and walked away.
I don't understand it either and am going to look up anhedonia and see if that makes sense.
Guess we should be grateful for the lull. We are so used to the chaos it's disconserting.
Lets just go with it. We deserve a break.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I don't know if I can truly relate or not. It's all very confusing to me. I realized recently that following a recent trauma, I did fully dissociate - lost time and everything, but then felt nothing at all. I should have been or should be furious, sobbing, high anxiety, but I'm not. For several weeks, I really felt nothing at all. I went to a session and when asked how I was doing (regarding recent trauma) I replied that "I'm fine." That was the truth. I really was.

I've become quite good at suppressing emotion. I know if the portal ever opens it's going to flood me, so I keep the door shut. I'm not sure I'm even aware I'm doing it. If any anxiety threatens, I can push it down and full calm is restored.

I'm told I will have to be the one to choose to open the door. I have no will to do so, not even sure how.

Does any of this make sense?

 

[Friday]

I have varying degrees of lost-emotions.

Historically, it has taken me so long to get them back after I shut them off, and I have gone to such extreme lengths to feel anything at all, that I've spent literal years fighting tooth and nail to keep them once I start feeling them slipping. Then, a couple years ago, had a flashback-dream, and woke up without them. Bliss. Completely in the headspace now that I was in then. <chuckling> Actually it was one of those things that I knew I should probably be quite concerned about, but as I didn't have any emotions, I wasn't. It was also exactly what I f*cking needed at the time. Made life infinitely easier. While it lasted. Because it didn't last years, this time.

I can't just pull it out when wanted, which is on my ToDo list of things to learn, but I have learned over the past few years, that I can pull it out when needed. But there's going to be a price to pay. If I kick it up to that level. Pretty much the harder & faster I shut myself off -like I said different levels of it- and the longer I let it run, the higher the price switching back out of it.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Right now I am devoid of feeling, but I did not dissociate, have not done that for a very long time thankfully.

I think it is like a rest between things.