No Joy

[dougyhowzer]

This morning a thought came to me that had been consistent with me since childhood .

I was born without joy .
I was born into a family of pain , abuse , manipulation , violence and death .

Throughout this life , I have experienced joy rarely , but it has happened .

Yet the joy I have experienced is never enough and nor has it ever been consistent .

No matter how hard I try to do what I am able to do as a means of making my life more joyful and happy , I am never able to find joy and purpose of peace.

Have any of you felt this way ?

 

[Tippi]

Hi, dougy......

Yes, I most definitely have felt this way. In fact, I feel this way most of the time. I, too, grew up in a family with abuse, manipulation, betrayal, hatred, violence, terror, and lack of warmth and love.

To make matters worse, I was such a bright little girl and a very sensitive child, so I was able to feel my emotions of sadness and despair at a very young age. I recall feeling so sad and lonely all of my childhood and teenage years.

I relate to what you've gone through. I have have moments of deep joy, but they have been fleeting. I have experienced some moments of peace, but they have been fleeting.

Life itself is definitely difficult.......but more so for people who can't even rely upon their good memories to help see through them through the tough times. It's unfair, I know.

It helps me a little to know that I am not alone in my experiences and feelings. But, yes, definitely I have felt just as you described.

And let me say how sorry I feel that you grew up in such a home. I understand.

How do you cope with such feelings?

 

[dougyhowzer]

I honestly wish I could say that I cope with my feeling tippy in a good positive way.
For the most part however, I usually can only cope by trying to get through the day by wasteing mindless hours on my desktop with video games, or by hiding in my bed.

Sure I have tried to find new ways in coping with my feelings;mainly through my classical guitar , but it never seems to be enough.

 

[FabulousEnding]

Oh I've felt that way for a long long long time. My parents taught me they don't love me and never will, and they thought I should hate myself because they hated me. I have disabling PTSD now. I guess you just learn to become satisfied with the little things after a while. The buddhist philosophy is that suffering is caused by the unacceptance suffering will always exist. Once you stop trying to make suffering stop and get a day that is blissful forever, it really does take a lot of stress off you. That attitude of one day it will all be over and I'll never have to suffer again, and then for maybe a day or a month it feels like it's finally going to stop and you're finally going to be happy... then something happens that destroys it or it doesn't work out because that's how life is... Putting your mind in that cycle tends to imprison it more.

I tried to copy and paste the text from the website but it won't let me post it. The buddhist Four Noble Truths is all about suffering and its acceptance. If you go to the buddhanet thing and look up the basic buddhism guide FAQ's you'll find it.

 

[Tippi]

Hi, FE.........I had the same experience. My parents never loved me, either. And they taught me to think of myself as flawed, ugly, worthless, and despicable. I am very shame-based. And I also suffer with severe PTSD. Like you, I now appreciate and look for the tiniest joys and pleasure. For me, that's watching my 3 hummingbirds flit about and eat at my feeders outside the kitchen window......or watching the pretty birds at my feeders. Also, it's whenever I get to text or talk to one of my children......listen to beautiful music.....do a math or word puzzle.......talk openly with a kind and loving person........come here to just open up and be my authentic self.......do a good deed for someone........be kind to the cashier at the grocery store (sometimes if they look like they've had a tough day, I might buy them a gift card and give it to them on the spot!)........paying for the people in line behind me at the drive-through at the fast food restaurant........sending a heartfelt thank-you card........remembering someone's birthday........laughing out loud at myself.......singing or dancing when I'm all alone (LOL).........oh, and anytime I get to spend time with a child.

Hey, I didn't realize that so many things give me joy!

Dougy, you must enjoy your video games, right? Do they ever give you joy? Are there little things you do now which bring a bright spot into your life? I definitely understand what you said about it not "being enough." Life just never has "been enough" for me. I guess it's because I had such deep yearning for it to be better than what I experienced during my painful childhood and adolescence. I built all of my dreams up for so many years and years........because those dreams helped me survive all of the heartache and despair.......but life as an adult just couldn't live up to any of those dreams of a lonely, sad, abused little girl, I guess.

I know that life can seem very sad, dark, and bleak.......but I am learning how to, little by little, stop expecting much anymore......and instead try to just enjoy the smallest things. I don't know if that makes much sense, but I helps me get through.

I wish I had some words to help.

 

[Friday]

Most people aren't happy all the time. They're happy in little pieces here & there.

I say this because my ex had similar childhood, and also this idea that "other people" were happy all the time (because that's what it looked like to him from the outside looking in). So he's spent 20 years being miserable trying to find the job, the wife, the hobby, the friends, the "thing" that he was missing that would *poof* make him happy all the time like "everyone else". To this day he still doesn't get that it's the moments of joy in a sea of normal that people are talking about when they say they're really happy. And that "happy" people have things that go wrong every single day, and struggles, and personal tragedy, and all of it. That "happy" people get sad, hurt, depressed, discouraged, have bad things happen to them, etc., and aren't happy all the time. That he's not a failure, and everything sucks, because something is normal, or goes wrong (which is also normal).

I could be totally off base with you... I just hear a lot of his black & white thinking in what you're writing

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

Oh Dougy, I've been there and am still there. God, I'm glad you brought this thread up because I can't experience joy like I used to too because I have been "programmed" that way by my life experiences. I can't really enjoy what I want because I don't know how. People around me don't understand and I always have to have this "mask" on to get through the day. While everyone seems happy, all I want to do is either hide through some kind of other busyness that I want to do or just avoid life altogether. I'm under so much stress right now and my new psychologist brought up that he is going to bring up my family in two weeks. I can't bear to talk about things like that because the pain is so great however, it needs to be done. I have black and white thinking because it's how I was "programmed" as a child and as an adult.
The "mask" that I have on is for being out in public and dealing with things at work when I just want to use the flight response. Nothing really makes me happy except for my cats. Being a seer and empath, my feelings can get in the way and I make bad decisions but no more. Might I suggest on starting small with little things that make you happy, even for a short time. Keep up with the little things and learn something new YOU want to do to keep your mind off of the sadness you feel.
Yes, I'm there with you. It's all a learning process but if you start small and work your way up, maybe you can get to where you want to be one day.

Hugs.

 

[Mystery]

Hi dougy, I'm sorry you are feeling the way you are, I too have felt the same at times in my life.

I think the above posts have some great suggestions for steps in the right direction. I'm one of those people who have also experienced joy in the midst of the most intense darkness by choosing to see beauty in life. I'm not trying to say that it is that simple for everyone and it was easier for me because I had little kids with me, who are always a source of joy.

Maybe you could bring yourself to do something on a regular basis like volunteering somewhere that has opportunities for seeing beauty in life. It really is everywhere but we have to get out there and look first. When you play video games, do they reinforce the beauty of life or the darkness?

 

[dougyhowzer]

I like to give thanks for all the replies. It is very comforting to me that I can be honest here , and receive good suggestions and feedback.

I think I need to lower my expectations and try to find jog in the small good things; I admit that has been hard and especially when you lack contentment.

I also admit that I do think in black and white terns. Unfortunately I was raised to think and behave that way.

 

[joeylittle]

I also admit that I do think in black and white terns. Unfortunately I was raised to think and behave that way.

I just want to challenge this: you may have been raised to think this way, but that was quite awhile ago. We are ultimately in charge of our thoughts. It takes a ton of hard work, and I think sometimes the work never stops. But you can change your thinking.

The way you've worded this sounds to me like you are saying "it's always been that way, so it will always be like this". That doesn't have to be the truth.

Have you looked into DBT? It is the best thing for thought-challenging and shifting (in my opinion). CBT stays a little on the theoretical side of it, but DBT really gives practical skills for shifting thoughts.

 

[Tippi]

I also admit that I do think in black and white terns. Unfortunately I was raised to think and behave that way.

I was raised this way, too, Dougy. I know how hard it is to change the way we have been thinking. I struggle with it, too. It's okay.......little by little, maybe you can begin to see some of the grayer areas in life. It's a process........I'm still working on it........