No One Cares. (bleak And Depressing, You've Been Warned)

[Crimson]

Right now I'm hanging on by my fingernails. It takes all that I have inside of me sometimes to stop from getting into a vehicle and slamming into a building at 90 mph with no seatbelt. I was in a bar and was dancing and rolled my ankle, my boss freaking raked me over the coals over that. That was two weeks ago and I still have bruising and pain with the ankle. My partner is beyond out the door, I've finally pushed her away because I know I'm a piece of shit and that makes me sad. I want to scream randomly through the day.

Everyone understands when you freak out huge time after you were raped. Eventually they don't give two shits when you don't get better RIGHT DAMN NOW. They don't care that you can't visit family because you have to gather all that you have to walk out the door for 'work/torture'.

When your sexuality is twisted so damn hard by what happened to you that you want to end your life before you hurt someone just like you were ripped apart no one understands why you are tortured and in pain over that shift. When you cut as a compromise between killing yourself and living, no one freaking cares. I am so broken that nothing matters anymore. I've been in the psych ward. I've been in rehab for alcohol.

I just am spinning around the drain and my alcohol use bars me from any medication that actually helps with my issues. It takes all I have to go to work, I don't even smoke when I don't work, at ALL because I'd have to go outside. I haven't showered in three days or changed my clothes. And no one cares, I'm just disgusting no one cares that I'm sick and literally giving all I have to give.

I just had to get that out, before I exploded.

Thank you friends.

 

[arfie]

Sure glad you got it out, Crimson. That is some seriously explosive poison to be holding in. Hope you keep right on venting until you can purge it ALL from your system.

Healing happens, Crimson. Hope it happens to you. I do not believe you are disgusting, but I surely care that you think you are. Please keep on sharing until the disgusting is vented and we get to see the beauty that is you.

 

[franciemarnie]

Let it all out!! It's poison inside. I'm sorry everything is so crummy right now.

 

[Ghostybear73]

I can understand what you are saying and possibly even feeling, which you don't hear very often and when you do, you want to smack the crap out them because they have not been there and they have no idea. I had to change my route to work so I wasn't tempted to drive my car off the cliff that I drove by every day. I ask myself daily, "what's the point to this all" and have to fight myself to prevent killing myself, I even have to fight to prevent myself from killing others. It's a long, ugly, tiring road. But it does help to know that there are people who have been there and do care. Whether true or not, because we really don't know each other, the people on here seem to care and it helps in my daily fights with myself.

Keep on fighting!!!!

 

[billie]

Im not sure if this is the right thing to say (as it is my very first time replying). I am also been feeling the same with my sanity the last 70 odd hours. I too can sympathize being torn and just holding on right now. I wish you well for the next few hours. Day by day hun.... sometimes thats all we have.

 

[Crimson]

To continue with my past rant I scream:

There is no way to understand the rage I have inside me; I have to shy away from it as the furnace would consume me if I truly grasped and understood it. Sometimes I scratch the crap out of my face in my sleep. I like seeing them, it's like badges of being messed up. One time I sliced my hand so it bled as I was digging in a wall cavity for my work. The person home was kind of horrified as I just labored and labored to get what I needed out of the wall, I needed to fix their issue. I didn't realize I left (light patches of) blood on their wall until I had completed my task. They said they would clean it up, in reality the only reason in any universe I would leave that is that I love the red on white. So stunning, so beautiful.

I hate stupid people. That makes me a small and horrible human being. When someone says they have resetted their tv over and over and over they repeat that info in a conversation about channel searching their tv I judge them. I feel that I'm better than them. I know that I might be smarter than them, but there is no way that I am happier than them. I wonder if they wish to die every day. And of course that allows me to keep my anger at myself as a pedantic angry ass alive.

Still here, didn't seriously contemplate suicide today, I hurt, I wanted to scream, I wanted to rage, but I never once thought of a way to die today. That is such a step forward.

Crimson.

 

[Crimson]

I am becoming obsessed with the movie Pacific Rim; even just the idea that someone could survive being inside my head is amazing. 'Two pilots mind melding with the body of giant machine', it brings tears to my eyes that someone might ever accept me in that way. Even the possibility makes it easier to hold on when I want to let go.

 

[billie]

Haven't seen that film.... we must be behind in Aust (or its just me!).

 

[Crimson]

Unless you are talking about Austin Texas US I think you might find it offensive, haha. Two of the top 13 maybe people in it have an Aust accent.....probably not natural and grating upon our down under friend's ears.

Kind of a quick run down; big monsters attacking from the pacific ocean, huge robots made to kill them, the robots are man made and piloted by two people who mind meld with the body of a giant machine and their compatibility is decided by their shared memories/knowledge.

Great movie if one can get past the accents!

 

[Rosa Draco]

Hi Crimson,

I've seen Pacific Rim and thought it was an amazing movie - though a little violent for my tastes. I was a bit freaked out about the father and son sharing a mind meld, cause sharing _every_ memory including how you were conceived would be a bit much for me.

I hope you don't take offense at me saying thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. If hating stupid people makes you horrible, then I'm horrible too, cause I hate most people who I think aren't as intelligent as I am, and as very few people are as intelligent as I am, then I pretty much hate everyone. I also think that most people don't 'get it', and that makes them less then me as well. I don't think that makes me a bad person, though, cause I happen to think that I'm better then most, and what's really pathetic is that I kinda, almost believe what I've just written.

Congrats on making it through the day without thinking of a way to die. Celebrate the small victory's, though some aren't so small.

 

[billie]

Haha nah we love fake accents its fun :)