No support or love in my life. mean mother & people

[littlestars]

My mother called me pathetic today because I collect disability money each month. If I could hold down a job and didn't suffer daily, I wouldn't even be making this post or be a member.
It really hurt. I yelled at her, stormed off and went home. No one takes me seriously. She said that at my age it's pathetic to receive the amount of money I get each month. I won't be able to afford a house or anything. She was so mean. I'm already heartbroken. It amazes me that I could break even more. I won't be able to have things that make up a fulfilling life.
I have tried to have romantic relationships, but I have give up on them for so many reasons. I gave up on having any sort of relationship with my family (my mother and remaining brother, my oldest brother passed away and was the only one I connected with and he understood me... and actually cared.)
I can't help but feel abandoned and alone with all of these issues and then to be spoken to like that. I already felt pathetic enough. I felt like hurting myself. I thought about killing myself in the future because I can't have a normal life. There are days where I just need to rest, sleep, eat, and try to have no stimuli at all just so my heart rate doesn't go up and I start to get symptoms.
To add to all of this, in the past two weeks, I have run into people from high school and it has been stressful. I also went swimming and was triggered several times and treated rudely by complete strangers. And to top it all off, a creep tried to follow me as I was leaving, so I had to call the cops.
I just don't see the point anymore. I don't have any human connections and probably won't. I'm so awkward because I barely interact with anyone. I'm so upset. I can't live this way anymore. Especially since there isn't any love in my life except the affection I get from my two cats and my dog. I don't know what to do anymore. Just about everyone I encounter is mean to me or has some sort of hidden agenda. The only person that hugs me is my therapist. I haven't seen her in a month.
I feel like crying. I sort of did earlier, but that won't fix my problems. I'm hoping that maybe I can sleep for a bit and maybe I will feel less bad. I don't know. Half of my life has been treatment for me. I feel like I haven't gotten very far... I'm so hurt. I feel like giving up.

 

[Friday]

Fair warning - I hate this answer.

Relationships with people take time, and no small amount of luck, and work.

Even if you met the most amazing & best of friends tomorrow? You wouldn’t know that, or have that depth of friendship, for a couple years. They’d just be a person you met, and maybe barely even noticed, or even straight up didn’t like. Love at first sight? Where you know in every cell that this person is forever? Might exist. But it’s not the norm. Most friendships take time to build. And facts are, you might not have landed in their life -or they in yours- yet. Or you might have, but both of you were in grumpy places & not able to be friends to the other, until 3 months from now... which is the date you’ll look back on 20 years from now... not the past 6 months that you’ve been not-friends with each other.

I’ve spent most of my life moving. Whole continents. Asia this year, Europe next, North America after that... states/provinces/regions/cities in the same country... some places I instantly fall in with amazing people, others I don’t even meet them until I’m about to leave, some I never meet them. I’m the same durn person in all of these places. The difference is simply who I happen to meet, and where we are in our lives.

Being in transition is one of the hardest places to make friends... because our lives aren’t set up in a way to encourage friendships. It’s very difficult to invite people into lives we haven’t built, yet, or lives we’re trying to climb out of. And yet? It’s one of the places we tend to look the hardest for friends / are most open to making them. Wanting people, good people, to be a part of the lives we’re building. It’s a difficult place to be in.

A trick... instead of deciding because those people you want aren’t in your life now, that you’ll Never have them? Decide to keep an eye out for them. As you’re building your life, look for ways/places to invite people in / create a space for them. So when you run into someone you would like to know better, you have an easy way to do so. <<< Some of those people won’t be the right fit. And that’s okay. That’s acquaintances, and people you know, people you met once... rather than people you hang all your hopes on & are crushed by. Acquaintances, IMO, are a good thing, because it means I’m actively meeting people, and getting to know them, and having standards. Acquaintances can become friends, but they don’t start out that way.

 

[Fadeaway]

@Friday, sage words.

Can you limit the time you spend around her?
What about canned responses that dont reward her with you getting upset. If she says you will never get a place, smile and respond "probably so" and then disengage her, pick up your phone and act too interested in your phone to hear what she is saying. Even if you are dying inside.

 

[littlestars]

I spoke with her and she actually apologized to me. I have learned how to deal with her. She is harsh and blunt in nature, but still it was a hurtful thing to say. I didn't speak to her until about eight hours later when I was able to calm down enough to eat and take my medicine. I didn't accept her apology at first. I don't expect her to change, but everything lately has taken me off guard and stirred up a lot of issues. I like to think that when that happens, it means I have the opportunity to grow. Lately the theme has been standing up for myself and being assertive. Thank you for your helpful response. I appreciate it.

Fair warning - I hate this answer.

Relationships with people take time, and no small amount of luck, an...

Thank you for your response. It was in-depth and honest and I need that and also appreciate it. I guess I just forgot what it was like to socialize and I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I will follow your advice. It makes a difference. Being in transition isn't easy. This is the first time in my life that I get to make all of the decisions for myself... which I don't have much experience in because I mostly have a history of "do whatever the domineering person wants and forget your own desires and wishes". I got into the habit of feeling sorry for myself because I have become so overwhelmed by dealing with so many issues all at once. I like to think that I am becoming stronger, but I feel so raw and a mess. I think I'll try to take the focus off of my loneliness and become busier. I hope I can be around positive people, even if they aren't friends.

 

[MrMoonlight]

My mother and I live together right now I have to emotionally disconnect from her. I am pleasant but she doesn't have access to me emotionally. It's a work in progress like everything but I'm able to do it with consistency. It's lonely and sad but necessary right now. Sorry you are in this position.

 

[littlestars]

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through that too. I have my pets at least, but I keep hearing that I need people in my life. It's difficult.