No Support System

[Bureh]

I've had the fairly confronting experience of not knowing who I could list as my Emergency Contact on hospital forms. I'm mid-30s, and of all the ways my life has gone to crap, being isolated in the middle of the city makes it really hard to pull myself out of big black pits of depression.

Making friends, for me, isn't something that comes naturally or easily. I'm agoraphobic, so joining clubs and community groups? Yeah, that's going to out me in the path of other people, but I'd be hiding in the corner, then just take off after 10 minutes of panic. I've tried that, several times.

So I started with a guinnea pig, and when he died after 5 years, I organised myself with my landlord and my pension to save up and get a puppy. He's currently my best and only real friend.

But that's okay, because it's a work in progress. He gets me out, and I feel safer around people when he's with me. It's depressing to reflect on, but I literally make a point of practicing being friendly and chatty when I'm out with him.

It's not fun, not even remotely, and I still get panicked. But when you have a background like ours, there is absolutely nothing natural about getting along easily with other people, so I've accepted this is something I'm learning from scratch. I practice exhanging a few sentences when I go to the chemist, I return "Hello"s when I'm at the dog park. There's been big periods where I've taken 2 steps forward, then a giant leap backwards and found myself stuck in my unit again.

Finding that I have real friends is still, realistically, years away for me. But this illness has already taken 3 decades, so I might as well start as not, you know?

And no, none of this comes naturally to us. What is self-care? What are my needs? I still hate myself to treat myself with compassion, but I'm working on at least treating myself neutrally instead of badly. None of this is natural to us. Joining clubs? Good start, but if we struggle feeling safe just on our own, it's not going to be easy. If you've never been aware of people liking you and respecting you as a friend then knowing boundaries and stuff? It's something we have to (and definitely can) learn.

And the friends thing has got to be worth it. The people who I know who arr growing old seemingly self-content, they all have other people in their lives. It seems to be a real game changer in making life enjoyable when you have others in it, and in my book, that makes "having friends" definitely something I want to learn to do.

Don't give up on yourself, because even exchanging posts here? For some of us, that's a really good first step.

 

[Ahis]

I felt like you do when I started therapy, and I was also 49 when I started therapy! It took a while for me to realise as, like you, I carried a heavy burden of trauma and rejections/abuse that seemed to prove to me that I must be a lesser being.
I allowed people to use me and abuse me. I even knew when it was happening most times bug felt helpless to stop it.
Through therapy and educating myself, I realised that the way people had treated me was a lot to do with me in that I felt powerless and victimised and I attracted bullies, narcissists and just plain out selfish aholes.
No wonder I didn't like people - it was more like I didn't like the kind of relationships is drawn to me.
I'm mid 50s now and have FINALLY learned how to take control
Of my own life. It's a big one to learn self respect when
A - respect has never been given to you
And
B. - You Dont know how to build self respect
I learned about B and I attract different people now, and I've let friendships that made me feel bad go.
It's a whole different world!
Stick with the therapy.
When we are young, we are all pretty much reflections of our upbringing. It's not your fault
But when we get older, some of us are lucky enough to discover we have a choice.
It really is amazing - or was to me - the day I realised it was MY life and took on the challenge of changing my patterns of thought. Not easy. But so worth it!
Stick with the therapy!!! It was a real education for me.

 

[Jeja]

I wanted to reply but I don't know the solution ? Everything I was going to say seemed pointless :(