Sufferer Not Even Sure I Am Doing This Correctly. Just Been Searching For Answers And Can't Seem To Find Any.

[stressed]

I met this guy once in person and then became friends with him on facebook. We shared a common interest and and just began talking about it. Later on we developed a great friendship. I went through a horrible childhood and got married at 18 and spent 20 years with a man who was 13 years older than me. I was just happy to be out of an extremely abusive home that the marriage seemed wonderful. Later, the marriage fell apart but left scars from a controlling and demeaning dictator. I told this guy to always be honest no matter how painful. He went through a very bad childhood to and promised he would and whatever we said would be kept between us.He also told me he was in the military and done some horrible things and suffers from PTSD as I do from my abuse.

Later I found out he told many people about me and the things he said he could only tell me he told to other people, mostly women. He told me stories of everything from him having a fiance and child killed in a car accident while he was over seas in the military.All the way to him being a contract man for Uncle Sam. Lies began to come out and I found out he had slept with over 20 women. In the beginning he originally told me 6. He's even done things to me like my ex. The only one I was ever with other than him. Things like call me ex's names, compare my body to an ex , and tell me I twist his words.

I love this guy and tired so much to push him out. He says he wants to work on things but even though my head says he's an ass. I keep coming back. There was never any proof of a child or fiance and when I offered to see the graves he told me a story of why we can't. The mother of his fiance moved them to Florida and he doesn't know where they are. Later on he told me they were murdered by a military officer (higher up) because he told them he was leaving and he was their best MSOR.

I would love to cut him out of my life but I also have this need for closure.This has been going on for almost 2 years. Our relationship is long distance and I have been the one driving down to see him at least 2-3 times per month. He doesn't have a car. I need to know what was true what wasn't and how and why this was done to me. I now am in therapy and taking meds for depression which don't work. I think this obsession comes from the abuse from my childhood and my first boyfriend/ husband. I just even can't understand why someone who found out I was sexually, mentally, and physically abused. How could even attempt being this cruel?

He hasn't had a regular job in 17 years and has mentioned at least 10 times he'd love to be a stay at home husband.

Why do I still have this feeling of why he did this,and what are the truths?

 

[Friday]

. I just even can't understand why someone who found out I was sexually, mentally, and physically abused. How could even attempt being this cruel?

Many people (abusers) specifically target people who've already been abused, because it makes them easy prey. The strings are already attached, and all you have to do is tug them to make the puppet dance. Is it sick? Yeah. Different types of predators have different prey. A lot of pedophiles go after battered women / single moms. They lavish the moms with gentleness, give them everything they've been missing coming out of violence... Are their knight in shining armor in all ways... Except they're raping their kid. :shifty: :cautious:All while mom is kept clueless on a pink cloud of lies and manipulation, & kid is terrified of hurting their mom by telling, because mom is finally "happy". I could go on. Listing out dozens of examples of predators and prey... All with their victims nicely primed from coming out of one abusive situation or another.

Other people? They're not predators. They're just assholes. f*cked up people... That no one else except those coming out of abuse -used waaaaaay more f*cked up shit than Dipshit McLoser- would ever dream of putting up with for more than 5 minutes. Because we have low standards.

Whether this guy is a predator, or you need to raise your standards, I don't know.

What I do know is that you shouldn't have to hire a private detective to prove he's a liar who treats you badly... When you already know he's a liar who treats you badly... In order to leave him.

But that is an option. Military service records? Death records? Accident reports? These are things a PI can verify.

Hey. At one point? My standards were so low all I required of a man were arms. I just wanted to be held. Everything else was negotiable. That was a huge wake up call for me. Whoa! Standards! C'mon, honey! Let's raise 'em up!

 

[stressed]

Many people (abusers) specifically target people who've already been abused, because it makes...

Many people (abusers) specifically target people who've already been abused, because it makes...

Well, my sister and I were being abused by our mothers's boyfriends and we told her. Her reply she told them "never to do it again" then blamed us for being "pretty". I do have low standards, I am almost at the point of realizing it completely. I can't believe there are people out there like this. It blows my mind that someone would lie about a dead child or fiance. I mean he had details and I looked up anything I could find,he gave me names when he told stories. I did only find one woman who came close to his information. She's alive with one child way to young to be his and I never found any proof of anything he's ever told me. I am afraid I will go back to him because I do feel my self worth is something no man wants. I told my therapist and she was shocked but then said she only heard about people like this through text books, but she kinda defended his behavior by saying. He might not know what he's even saying. That most people lie but small things like they were popular in H.S. but this also blew her mind.

 

[halflifeguy]

Hi Stressed, welcome to the forums.

Sorry to hear about your childhood and relationships. No one deserves an unhappy existence that lousy childhoods with trauma and neglect set us up for.
Relationships for us childhood trauma ptsd sufferers can be like a "validation drug" or just familiar, even a codependant or abusive relationship. You now recognize this relationship is not what you want and know the right thing to do...

...tired so much to push him out. ...but even though my head says he's an ass. I keep coming back. I would love to cut him out of my life...

Breaking away is hard because of how your behavour has formed from your childhood. The list of reasons you're unable to get out is long... low/non-exisiting self-esteem, it's bad but better than previous life experiences, childhood survival strategy - just can't say 'No.', etc.

If you can, start counselling on the break up for support and guidance. After, the councelling can change to working on just you.

 

[stressed]

Hi Stressed, welcome to the forums.

Sorry to hear about your childhood and relationships. No one de...

I am trying my best. I have this awful placement of what I actually am. I was married for about 20 years and I did things I never in my dreams thought I would do. I have gotten plastic surgery in order to appease my then husband. Then after falling in love this this guy, I had huge problems, not just my past abuse but my first boyfriend turned husband thought many things I needed changing, so I did. I am actually a part time model after all these "improvements" but when I became intimate this this guy, he to told me I was thin as his past 18 year old girlfriend ( me being 40 ) but my breast weren't as big. Just after being intimate. I was mortified...seriously even now. I went to couples therapy and the therapist there said well most people compare bodies to past lovers, he just said a mix up. I am completely overboard confused. It was hard enough saying these things out loud to strangers here. I am not sure if I am completely messed up from my abuse..is life different than I perceive it..or what? I feel I do not belong anywhere because I feel you should be honest, be truthful, and never be that close with someone unless you mean it. Just heartbreaking over and over for me. I feel so broken.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Therapy is exactly where you belong so you can unpack all your baggage. Ditch the freeloader. You are way too important to be devalued as you have been your whole life. It's not too late, you can be happy again. First step is to clean out all the crap those guys have dished out. f*cking morons.

 

[stressed]

Therapy is exactly where you belong so you can unpack all your baggage. Ditch the freeloader. You ar...

I am trying my hardest. I have therapy every other week. I also am taking medications for depression and sleeping problems. I tried very hard talking to my family members who I think have good judgement. But since they never had the stuff I had to deal with they have a hard time either explaining or telling me how the "world" works. I am not sure how to explain it but seriously am I over emotional with asking someone you are getting to know to be honest or up front so down the road things aren't so hard? I mean I try and wrap my head around people who say the have one night stands and as a abuse victim I can't even understand that. I don't judge but I told him I wasn't into that or liked anyone who did. He said he was that way to, I later found out he had many. It's so hard to feel like he even loved me and in order to make things "okay" me being with him I need to believe that he did. But I am facing he didn't. So far my interaction with men have not even been good, I am now just over 40 and think why and why try again. This was just way to hard, I have no heart left.

 

[Sweetpea76]

If he's lying about having a dead child, which is pretty despicable, he is probably lying about everything. Ask to see his DD214, or when and where he went to basic and his MOS. Was he even in the military? No news stories or obituaries for the fiancée or child? Seems like a double murder would make the news.

I don't know the dude, but my bullshit tolerance level is low. I smell a rat... A big one who is screwing with your head.

You have to ask yourself, what is his agenda?

 

[intothelight]

@stressed Welcome to the forum! :)

My suggestion is to walk away from this relationship and while that is easily said, I fully understand the dynamics of why that is so difficult. It is one thing to grasp something rationally, but then the emotional pull is so strong and seems to override the rational side of things. Bottom line, you need to follow the rational and do what is best for you. Focus on getting healthy and learning to love yourself as relationships are only as healthy as the people in them and you deserve the best.

 

[stressed]

Thank you all for your advise and I will continue my therapy and try and better myself as not to fall back to him and also try to put positive people in my life. However, I tried really hard to look for people and ask others if they ever had someone, heard about anyone, or just ever came across a person like this. Why would someone invent people who never existed with unbelievable stories? If I took out all the other crappy things this guy did, I just couldn't find other but one person who had this happen to them. This guy had every answer. He was upset and threw out all photos of them, the graves were moved, her family was only the mother and father and they are both dead. I just would like some sort of answer of why he would do that and what other people who had this done did or felt too. Like I mentioned before it might be my head/heart over thinking but I need to make this right somehow so I don't feel like I'm such an idiot or whatever. I always trust people until they give me a reason not to. After everything I went through I honestly want to believe the world is good but now I can't help to think most people in it are bad. If anyone knows of others who had this happen could you direct me to them so I may try and understand better.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I had a relationship with a pathological liar. It's incredible how calmly they lie to spin a tale in order to get our pity. It one of the ways a freeloader keeps his meal ticket around. Kick him out.

 

[Gucci]

I went through a horrible childhood and got married at 18 and spent 20 years with a man who was 13 years older than me. I was just happy to be out of an extremely abusive home that the marriage seemed wonderful. Later, the marriage fell apart but left scars from a controlling and demeaning dictator.

Welcome to the forum and I'm sorry you're going through this.

Your description of childhood/abusive marriage says it all: you need to devote all your energy and time to YOURSELF. Cut this man out of your life as completely as possible or he will suck you dry until you're nothing but an empty husk. The fact that you can describe in copious detail how negative and hurtful your experiences with him have been so far indicates that you have great difficulty with personal boundaries and protecting yourself against inappropriate/controlling behaviour - classic symptoms of traumatised personalities.

You may find it helpful to do some research on codependency as a result of childhood trauma. There's a very informative youtube channel by Lisa A. Romano - you can get good baseline information quickly. She specialises in childhood emotional trauma resulting in individuals who sacrifice themselves for others. Ross Rosenberg (he's a psychotherapist) has a youtube channel on codependency and people who are continually drawn to abusive and exploitative partners, and how to stop this destructive cycle.

Extreme people-pleasing as a result of not knowing who you are, inability to sufficiently love and respect yourself, as well as an inability to assert your own needs has already landed you in a world of pain as a result of unexamined childhood dynamics. Please don't persist in this path, and do everything you can to individuate and become your own person. You are categorically and completely wasting your time and energy on this man - any changes for the better will come entirely from him and because he wants it. You've already expended precious resources that you will never recover in your first marriage; don't make that mistake again. You have only one life and it's YOURS.

Best on your healing journey!

gucci