... Not For Me

[lonelyred]

I don't have anywhere else to talk about this so I'll talk here, my sister is having a baby, she's 12 weeks, I'm happy for her, really, but it'll never happen for me, and I struggle with that, why me? I'm not just infertile, I was born without a womb, it will never be me and it hurts me so so much, I feel like so much has already been taken from me :(

I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?
Wonder in time
How the story will end,
Will they just be for others-
The showers I attend.
When's it my turn
I ask God each day,
The only answer I get
Is, ???????Not today???????.
I ask only to know
What my future might be,
To plan and prepare
God, please tell me.
I just need to know
How long to be strong,
For sometimes I question
my strength to go on.
I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?

I know the answer is no, it's always no

 

[Lucycat]

I'm not just infertile, I was born without a womb,

I hear you. I was born with a womb, but one that was so badly misshapen it was useless.I had numerous operations to try and make it work to no avail. Additionally my ovaries don't play ball. I did have a time of hope when I had IVF, but it did not work. I was warned that even if the eggs did fertilise and 'stick' my womb may not hold the pregnancy. It was an academic discussion, my eggs ( of which there were many after hormone injections) were of very poor quality.

Will I get to display
The mother in me?

It is not and never can be the same. But I was blessed to meet Rory who already had 3 sons. They are now grown up with their own families. However I have had the joy of being a part of their lives. Never their mother but a very important part nonetheless.For a long time I was jealous that Rory had children and I did not. I am past that now and can accept that this is the way it is.

I also recall when my brother announced that he was to be a father. I cried for days - for my own loss. Then when my stepsons announced they were to be fathers - again I cried for such a long time. This was just not right, I was to become a grandmother before I had come to accept I was never to be a mother.

Life is not fair. We are programmed to reproduce. We spend our childhood playing Mummies and Daddies, with Dolls and cuddly toys etc. As we get older we are taught about reproduction and the importance of avoiding pregnancy. Nothing prepares you for being told it will never happen.

Well-meaning friends suggested adoption. That was not the answer for me. I wanted my own child.

However now, I have forced myself to accept the positives of the situation. I am financially better off for not having children. We can go on holidays without having to consider school holidays. We can live to any routine or lack thereof that we choose.

I also realise, a bit late in life, that I am not alone with this. I had no choice but there are many others in worse situations - those that have lost the ability to conceive through illness or injury. There are also a significant number of people who have made the choice not to become parents. There are those who have found themselves without a partner, for whatever reason. There are also those who find their sexual orientation incompatible with natural conception.

In the end sometimes we just have to accept being second best - I am a 'Favourite Aunty' instead of a mother.

 

[lonelyred]

Thank you for you post and for sharing, I also am missing ovaries, truth be told I'm less female than most, perhaps a eunuch is a term for me, sexless.

I try to find joy in others, truly I do, but I resent them, for being able, for having what I can't - even my sister, though I would never tell her.

I must accept that this is the hand I've been dealt and to extend the analagy, either I play it or fold...
I will be an aunt, one day, but my sister lives in another state, at best I will see her at Christmas

There will always be a hole in my heart, and given my psychiatric history, my past addictions, my so called "life choices" I am unlikely to be a foster parent or adoptive, add my abuse and still held misconceptions about victims and I'm as likely to foster as I am to conceive, and as for my partner, well, its never gonna happen.

I know I must accept it, but its a long process and I fear it will consume me

 

[Lucycat]

Yes, It is certainly a difficult road to travel. I have felt less than female. A nothing. But I am me.

When you are in this mood of grieving for what will never be, do you notice that everyone else has what you cannot? I used to see prams, buggies, pregnant bumps all over the place. I resented the 'mother and child' parking spaces. I hated seeing baby lambs - because even a sheep could do what I could not.

But, you have to allow yourself time to grieve, and then move on. Sure the grieving process is complicated. You can feel better for a while and then something else triggers you. I recall my mother telling me with glee that her friend's daughter was expecting twins from IVF. Like I was interested!! I did not even know the woman and did not need to be told, but there was an expectation that I would be pleased for her. I could walk away from that one, but it is much more difficult when it is family and friends.

Personally I have found it easier since I passed 40, as nobody would expect anyone of my age to get pregnant. The questions stopped being asked.

I appreciate you sharing your story, because in my real life there are very few people who understand.

 

[rightkindofme]

This sounds incredibly hard. I can't say I understand because I really don't. I see your pain though. I'm very sorry for you both.