Not Getting Better

[Mosaic]

ok so in therapy sessions we've established that disassociating myself from my feelings is a real problem with me. Its almost a survival instinct at this point, I don't let my feelings show to anyone else. When I'm alone they can cripple me but if I have work I'll have a little cry, clean up my face and go in like the happiest person in the world.
My boyfriend is the only one who knows how I truly suffer.
It got to the point where my therapist told me to write down an account of my rape and when I'm alone, read it over and over again until I cry my heart out and just let go completely.
I'm working on trying to realise my feelings and not just pretend they're not there but I feel like my PTSD just keeps getting worse.
Nowhere near as bad as it used to be but my bad dreams are back, I have days where I can't get his image out of my head and it makes me shake and feel sick. I can't have sex with my boyfriend lately at all which is making him feel crappy, I feel strange even having to touch myself to wash in the shower.
I don't know how "getting better" is supposed to work and to be honest I'm scared to get better as well because it feels like I should never be ok after something like this happened to me.
I don't want to waste my life locked up in my house, scared of my shadow, having a panic if anyone touches my wrists and potentially losing my relationship.
I'm in about my 11th session of therapy, my appointments have been spread a couple of weeks apart sometimes to give me opportunity to practice my "home work" but I'm scared I'll have no sessions left and still be this mess.

 

[hodge]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Mosaic. Have you written down your account? Please don't be scared to get better. You can be okay even after something like this happened. I have been raped three times by three different men. I was not to blame and neither are you. I have the same issues with showering. I had real trouble when my therapist referred me to another therapist to do a kind of tapping technique, you tap yourself at certain acupuncture points in the body and recount what happened to you. It was really upsetting, because I have a hard time touching myself. I have a lot of bad dreams, too, and many, many days where I feel sick to my stomach and shake. I guess the point is, keep on keeping on. We all deserve to get better. And tell your therapist about your concern that you won't have any sessions left. Hopefully, he or she will keep seeing you anyway.

 

[Mosaic]

I did write down my account, she had me read it out in a session which was horrific. When it came to reading it over and over alone as she wanted me to do I completely broke down and destroyed it, scribbled it out, tore it into tiny pieces and flushed it down the toilet... After one read.
I've also been attacked by different men, one when I was 16 and most recently last August while I was already awaiting therapy for the first assault.
I'm very inspired at your positivity after 3 assaults as I find it hard to carry on as it is with my own experience. Thankyou :)

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

This sounds like exactly what is happening in my therapy - its called Cognitive Processing Therapy.

Basically, the idea is that you have to express the emotions in order for them to dissipate. This stems from the concept that PTSD sufferers are doing everything they can to avoid feeling the emotions. (For me, I dissociate immediately, which in turn makes it impossible to process).

If it is CPT that your therapist is using, it's considered an "evidence-based" therapy, meaning that it's proven to work. So hang in there. It gets worse. But the idea is that it also gets better. I'm in the middle of writing my account too, and I'm freaking out on a daily basis.

I'm making a list of all the things I'll do when I feel better, and it's helping a little with powering through this mess.

 

[anonymous]

I think its important to remember that you're still in the beginning stages of healing and that things always get worse before they get better. But, not to worry, if you continue to push forward with your healing, things will improve for you.

 

[AngelPaws14]

Hi I read your post and I can understand how going through it in your head or therapy is making the feelings come back and stopping you from having a intimite relationship with your boyfriend. Just know your in control of your body and when you are ready for touch then go for it but even if you have to stop in the middle, then you can stop in the middle. I am struggling with touch from anyone else if im upset and part related to a past experience and part related to my brain surgery. Either way touch is very tricky at times and when I am upset or panicked and if anyone were to touch me I would feel trapted like I was back when the past experience happened. As you can tell by my avoidence of the word I have not made it through that yet. I have talked about it in therapy but not quite there, but one thing my therapist suggested was writing a letter to the abuser who did it to me and then after that you can rip it up or burn it or shred it or keep it. That part is up to yoou but you put all your feelings in it that are hard to share or even things you don't like to let creep back in your mind. It's a way to get out some anger or say how you feel without having to hide anything or hold back for fear of the other person or anyone but you responding to what you put down. It's helped me and I just thought I would suggest it.