Not Idealization Per Se

[shimmerz]

It's more about a place I go unwillingly. Unwittingly. I feel like it is a familiar place but I am not sure where it started. I am there now. It is like a different persona. I haven't gone catatonic tonight and I am starting to wonder if catatonia is my way of stopping this feeling - stopping me from wanting to act on it and it always seems to happen when I am entirely overwhelmed - which I am. I feel like this is too much going on. Every single trigger coming at me at once. Moving, packing, organizing, getting rid of my past life, moving towards a new life and now realizing that no matter where I go my symptoms will follow me when everyone including myself felt it would be a fresh start.

The problem is that I don't actively want to die - but there is a piece of me that has been there already and it was better - or it was at the time. So rather than want to 'die' it is more like wanting to just go somewhere, lay down and - well - die - although I don't know that this part of my persona actually understands death if that makes any sense. It just knows going away - sort of like the catatonia but with no distinction.

I guess I just need to write this down. I feel completely immersed in this feeling right now and am almost wishing that I could go catatonic (although I can't do that on demand) but because I am not it seems this is the go to place. What I do with that - or how anybody could even relate I have no idea.

 

[anthony]

when I am entirely overwhelmed

What is overwhelming you, is the more pertinent question here! Identify that to help alleviate the overall feeling of ideation / the feeling of wanting the mental pain to go away.

 

[shimmerz]

Okay so I went to T-doc. He was the one that originally told me why the cause of my breakdown - diagnosed me with PTSD (Complex and Chronic) and that it most likely had to do with my infancy. I have not been able to afford him along the way very often but I go to him when I need to and he is very kind in taking me in on an as-needed basis. He is very effective at trauma therapy and has the following credentials.

Member of the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies and the International Association for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation and formally the Deputy Clinic Head of the Psychological Trauma Program at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health

It seems that I had a bit of a break-through during the evening that I posted this thread. It was an incredibly uncomfortable evening but in the end I talked myself down and slept like a baby that evening without any further issues since. My triggering is down and I feel calmer than I have in a very long time.

T-doc and I spoke at length about this experience as it related to my past and I thought I would share as it may be helpful to others. It feels to me like very important information. I will leave the links to postings related to this evening and the revelations that came about because of it in my next posting in this thread. There are several facets to it that I feel would be helpful to be broken down.

Necessary background information important to this posting and T-doc and my conversation is that I have suffered from dramatic somatization and conversion issues (emotions that cannot be released in the normal way but instead manifest as physical reactions). These physical reactions for me often times lead to catatonic states that can last for days. I have had catatonic episode(s) almost every day for the past 6 years. I have not had a catatonic event since the evening I posted this.

The evening I posted this was very very different from most. I actually felt a 'need' to die. Not a want but a need. This feeling we discussed seems to be underlying my conversion disorder and somatic events. Finally they came to the surface as emotions rather than being 'converted' into a physical 'catatonic state'. I understand that these issues may seem unusual for most so I understand if many cannot relate. I apologize in advance for this.

Please take from my posts what you can and leave the rest.

 

[shimmerz]

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/somatization-leads-to-desomatizaton.48370/