Not Just Living With The Family, There's Strings

[Emilie]

So....

My husband was arguing with me about moving to another state because his parents are on their last limb. It's my dream to live out west, I hate the seasons here in the northeast. I can understand wanting to be aruond for the parents..but the following discussion was about him taking them into our household when we move out...uhhhg. I feel like there's just no privacy for me and him ever.

He said i'm being cold hearted and not having empathy about the situation.

We're living with them now, I take care of his mom every day.
I just see financial struggle and I don't want to have to take care of our son AND his parents. I can barely take care of myself.

Granted, I had really bad postpartum and I couldn't have survived without his parents when I was 18. We pay next to nothing for rent and no utilities unless they are really bad(high bills). His stepdad helps ALOT with our son, but also is a point of frustration. Because they want to raise our son their way, and I get into a lot of fights over it. They have him calling his grandmom mommy, and that's not fair to me. I get really pissed off when I hear it because they do it when I'm not around or just out of sight but still in earshot thinking I don't know about it.

I'm only 20 years old. I dont want this for my life. I'm working my ass off and my husband keeps saying "I'll be getting this job in 2 weeks! dont worry itll work out and we can move out then" two weeks come by and I feel like im getting the run around again. and then after we talk about it, he goes "I don't want to leave my parents". Maybe he's scared to move out with me? I wonder if he feels too bad for me to leave, and If I should just leave him. He doesn't hug me or anything anymore. He spends zero time with me. We talk about it, and we get into fights. Last time he told me I should just chapter 5 myself because I told him I felt depressed lately. He keeps telling me that it's all in my head.

I keep trying to be upbeat...maybe the situation isn't as bad as I am making it sound but that's just how I feel.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Emilie,

It is perfectly normal to want your own place, with your own family. It is great when families can "be there" for each other, but when our own personal boundaries get crossed then the relationships can become toxic.

You are the mom and they are the grandparents, and that line should never be crossed. But it is also up to your husband to support your wishes. It is understandable if his parents are ill that he may not want to move far, but moving into your own place close by could be a perfectly reasonable alternative. Would he consider that?

It is a tough situation and I hope you can find some peace.
Debbie

 

[ronin47]

Hi Emilie. It is hard for a family to thrive if it doesn't have its own space and room to breath. Living under the same roof, you are bound to bump into eachother.

Now what you need to understand is that, for the sake of your children, you need to make the most of a situation that's not going quite the way you want it to. Rather than getting angry and arguing, come to compromises with your husband and establish healthy boundaries with your in laws through healthy communications. Family is not just about group hugs and dinnertables, it's about loving and respecting each other even when it's not easy. You need to show as much honor and respect for your husband's wishes as you would want him to for yours.

 

[Emilie]

Thank you ronin, that sticks. It makes perfect sense to me.