RachelAnne
New Here
Therapy has been a part of my life for more than two decades. My first session is a blur as my therapy was mandated by my parents. I was thirteen the first time I attempted suicide. I've been in therapy since.
My story may or may not be unique, but it is unique to me. An uncle raped me, repeatedly. Only I didn't know it was rape. I was six or seven the first time...I think. I don't remember much of my childhood. How do I know I was raped if I can't remember?
The first "flashback" came when I was eighteen and pregnant with my son. Prior to the pregnancy I had repressed the memories of being raped. My boyfriend (now ex) remembers my reaction to the first flashback - I still don't. He said I was trying to hug myself, crying, uncontrollable and inconsolable.
A few days later, I had a waking "dream" or nightmare. I knew it was me as a girl. I knew it was my uncle. And I knew it was real. Until then, my parents thought I just had behavioral issues that caused the multiple suicide attempts, promiscuity, and inability to retain information. They said I had a learning disability. Wrong.
There have been many more rapes by my uncle that occurred over a period of time - until I hit puberty. To this day, I feel guilty. Guilt for not stopping him. Not knowing it was wrong. Keeping secrets from my parents, lying to myself.
I worked with a fantastic therapist who diagnosed PTSD and Stockholm Syndrome. We worked for two years with cognitive and behavioral therapy. We used the workbook "The Courage to Heal" as well. We made quite a bit of progress. I no longer have debilitating panic attacks for no apparent reason and I can even work full time. There's still so much work to be done and I've moved away from my therapist. I think I've taken a few steps back...I want to get back on track. But there are a few obstacles in my path.
My uncle is my dad's baby brother and the one everyone loves, dotes on, and adores. While I did confront my dad - tell him what happened - he told me I needed to get over it. The next summer he gave my uncle a truck. I felt as if I'd been slapped. My feelings and needs were completely disregarded by my dad. He chose my uncle over me.
So, why do I still feel the need to protect him, my uncle that is? Why do I still feel it was my fault for not saying no. I feel like a coward. But I know I am a strong person. I did not turn to alcohol or illegal drugs for comfort. I've raised two great kids. I'm 42 years old. I've never been married. I have a good job. In many ways I'm a success story. But I'm stuck...
Whew...that felt good! Thank you! :(
My story may or may not be unique, but it is unique to me. An uncle raped me, repeatedly. Only I didn't know it was rape. I was six or seven the first time...I think. I don't remember much of my childhood. How do I know I was raped if I can't remember?
The first "flashback" came when I was eighteen and pregnant with my son. Prior to the pregnancy I had repressed the memories of being raped. My boyfriend (now ex) remembers my reaction to the first flashback - I still don't. He said I was trying to hug myself, crying, uncontrollable and inconsolable.
A few days later, I had a waking "dream" or nightmare. I knew it was me as a girl. I knew it was my uncle. And I knew it was real. Until then, my parents thought I just had behavioral issues that caused the multiple suicide attempts, promiscuity, and inability to retain information. They said I had a learning disability. Wrong.
There have been many more rapes by my uncle that occurred over a period of time - until I hit puberty. To this day, I feel guilty. Guilt for not stopping him. Not knowing it was wrong. Keeping secrets from my parents, lying to myself.
I worked with a fantastic therapist who diagnosed PTSD and Stockholm Syndrome. We worked for two years with cognitive and behavioral therapy. We used the workbook "The Courage to Heal" as well. We made quite a bit of progress. I no longer have debilitating panic attacks for no apparent reason and I can even work full time. There's still so much work to be done and I've moved away from my therapist. I think I've taken a few steps back...I want to get back on track. But there are a few obstacles in my path.
My uncle is my dad's baby brother and the one everyone loves, dotes on, and adores. While I did confront my dad - tell him what happened - he told me I needed to get over it. The next summer he gave my uncle a truck. I felt as if I'd been slapped. My feelings and needs were completely disregarded by my dad. He chose my uncle over me.
So, why do I still feel the need to protect him, my uncle that is? Why do I still feel it was my fault for not saying no. I feel like a coward. But I know I am a strong person. I did not turn to alcohol or illegal drugs for comfort. I've raised two great kids. I'm 42 years old. I've never been married. I have a good job. In many ways I'm a success story. But I'm stuck...
Whew...that felt good! Thank you! :(
