Not Suicidal Anymore, But....

[arcc14]

I now find myself wanting to cut whenever something is overwhelming me. So I guess the psych cured my suicidalness, but now I don't have an outlet. I've never cut, but for some reason, I have this overwhelming urge to do so at times when in the past I would have been considering or planning to kill myself. What should I do? So far, I haven't acted on it. It normally does not subside without my falling asleep. I'd like to feel good about not wanting to die all the time. But this is even more disturbing to me. Death makes sense for me, but cutting myself and living does not at least from a logical standpoint. One serves a purpose, and the other does not. I'm not making sense. Sorry. Had a rough night.

 

[Srain]

Cutting...self-harming or edge to cut can be a PTSD symptom. Generally it doesn't have anything to do with Suicide or suicidal ideation, it is about (for me anyway) suppressing feelings. It's an outlet for feelings. In my case, I've recently discovered, it's anger. Yours might be different. I would certainly discuss this with your tdoc and try to uncover where this urge is coming from, in the meantime there are posts here on how to deter from actually engaging in the act itself.

I'm sorry you had a rough night, I can imagine it was very disturbing and confusing, at the same time you are obviously making great strides in your work with your therapist! Good job :)

I look at it as peeling it off layer by layer, off goes one and then I'm ready to deal with the next one to get down eventually to what has been the main issue. So what you seem to be experiencing, to me, looks right on track. Take good care, stay in touch with your tdoc when necessary. Post as often as you want.

peace and recovery,
Rain

 

[maddog]

Totally agree with all that Srain said above, firstly, and most importantly, the part about my greatest empathy to you for this disturbing and distressing place you are in right now. I too view and experience suicidal ideation and self harming as being almost completely unrelated to each other. I've seen them defined as suicide being an attempt to die, while SH is an attempt to live, or rather, to survive seemingly unbearable emotions, feelings or urges.

For me, SH has been both an active problem and a controllable, though very distressing, urge,. intermittently throughout my latter childhood and adulthood. Its origins are complex and multi-layered, as I imagine is the case in most instances, and i've been working really hard with my T to try to uncover and understand the origin of this behaviour/urge which, quite frankly, scared and horrified me almost more than any other. Mostly, I do think it's about seeking some sort of release for unspent overwhelming negative emotion, or attempting in some way to convert and express the incomprehensible distress of emotional pain into the inherently more understandable and logical experience of physical pain.

I do think that working to understand, as much as possible, the causes and triggers of SH urges is important and something that should be managed therapeutically and very carefully. I also think that part of that process is about learning to recognize and accept the urges as a definitely undesireable and harmful, yet not critical or fatal, symptom of PTSD, and something that can be understood and managed as with any other symptom. There tends to be enormously destructive stigma, both by oneself and others, associated with SH and this can be as damaging and destructive as the urge or behaviour itself, so in that sense, knowledge is power in terms of understanding that this is, in some sense, normal of your experience.

I do hope you get some sleep and some respite tonight, I know all too well the distress and exhaustion that result when you cannot find this relief. Take good care.

Maddog

 

[ronin47]

I am still healing (no pun intended) from a bout with severe SI (self injury). I have had a few relapses, but aside from those, which never last more than a couple weeks at a time, I've been cut free since June of '09.

I know it must sound like I'm minimizing a problem, maybe I am.

Your experience is an all too common one, and one that is unfortunately symptomatic of a lack of diligence on the part of your T. You no longer have the mental "out" of suicide, so you are left with no cognitive escape from your pain. I guess you could compare it too when I would not cut for months at a time but I had a knife hidden under my bed. Even if I never used it, even if I never actually did cut, just knowing that I could was enough to calm me down.

The simplest solution is to find some specific thing you can do to make yourself feel better (that is non self destructive obviously) and keep it close by. For instance, one coping tool I developed was frozen yogurt :D . Whenever I was really stressed I would go grab one from the school grocery store. So maybe if that's something you think might work for you, you could keep a stock of frozen yogurt in your freezer.

Just one possibility. ;)

 

[AngelaMarie]

I had this problem for a couple of years. Trust me it doesn't solve anything.

When it comes up I tell myself that I don't deserve it. I try to keep busy and put my mind on other things that are more positive. It's worked for 4 1/2 years.

Good luck in overcoming! Be proud of the fact that you haven't done it!!!

 

[Graygoose]

I'm a cutter, but I'm not suicidal. Saying that, I can tell you it has a purpose. When you cut, it's a way to outwardly express your emotions because you are shut off or were never taught the right way. You may have been "cured", but really you were just taught the meaning of your life. Cutting and suicide are not the same things of different magnitude, they are completely different.

When you are no longer suicidal, it doesn't regress to cutting. I honestly can't give you a reason as to why you shouldn't cut, but I can tell you that you there are better alternatives for people who haven't started. This is all based on how I have felt, *you* may be different and this is only meant as advice from my stance. :)

Rather than thinking about just positive things, try thinking about the reasons you might want to do this, who you are, and just self-analysis. Just THINK.

 

[ISupportHer]

Ever log on to the main page and see the list of threads with the most recent posts? That's how I ended up here.

I am a supporter. I can't say I know how you feel. Just someone who CAN say my hopes for you.

The "Not Suicidal" title caught my attention and I hope you can find a way for that to continue. I have not read a lot about cutting, since that is one thing I don't see in my home situation. I guess, in my limited awareness, I had always kind of thought that cutting is a way to feel. You say that the suicidal thoughts have changed to thoughts of cutting, in a way. So I hope you can find a way to replace the cutting. Not easy, I am fully aware. But I hope that things like coming to the forum to talk can be your new way to feel.

ISH