Not suicidal, exactly...

[whiteraven]

A few months ago, I set a date to kill myself. The date was almost a year in the future - 8 or 9 months - and is a date that was painful for me. Not when I was younger (I remember almost nothing detailed about my traumas from then), but from 2014. I've been dealing with microtraumas for a long time, but the thing that happened in 2014 (which some would not think that big a deal) continues to affect all of my interactions with people.

One of the reasons I set it in the future was I had a small amount of hope that things would improve. I sort of gave myself that time to make changes with the hope that those changes would result in my feeling better.

I'm not suicidal right now, but I've been thinking a lot about suicide, if that makes any sense. Thinking about how it will be around that time, whether I will use the day in the way I planned, or whether I will feel better enough to let it pass. Also thinking about plans I need to make in case I kill myself, like making sure my family knows my wishes, having a place for the cats, that sort of thing. It helps, because it reinforces the idea for me that leaving my cats behind is just not acceptable to me.

Still, even though I am not nearly as depressed as I was, I feel like I have to find a reason to stick around. And it makes moving forward *really* hard because it takes a lot of energy. I'm still in therapy and we're working on stuff, but I think my therapist being gone right now (off for the holidays and now out of the country) and not being able to talk about a lot of the things that feel overwhelming makes the suicidal thoughts feel comfortable.

Anyway, just working through this. Thanks for reading if you did.

 

[Deleted member 37868]

A few months ago, I set a date to kill myself. The date was almost a year in the future - 8 or 9 mon...

Aaahhh a late night post er just like me. First of all for some reason I feel that I shouldn’t tell you not to do it, that’s my usual response, but I suspect it would have very little affect on your ultimate decision. That said I truly hope you don’t, I want you not to take your own life and go into non existence, me a stranger on the internet. I always check the suicide and depression forum, and if I feel like I have something to offer I comment. I have been suicidal many times oh idk 12 attempts or so in 6 years. I think I told my friends one time during a pill popping session that I was gonna do it, I was angrily FaceTimed and yelled at until I threw up the pills, I was so pissed at her, cause I had decided to kill myself 5 years back and just kept failing, but this time I got the most lethal combination and amount of pills I just wanted to die. So before that I would take 30 or so sleeping pills, and for some reason wake up the next morning thinking is this hell? And then go about my day, super f*cked up like nothing happened. I swear it was the universe of god or something telling me ur not done yet, u still have shit to do. I’m glad I’m still alive, still depressed and a general train wreck but I’m oddly okay. The message bombarded at us from every outlet is that we need to be happy. To have purpose you need to be happy, depression, ptsd is something you overcome and then you join the happy ppl, and real life can start. Dostoyevsky, epileptic, poor af, depressed, also my literary and philosophical hero. You know who the best counsellours and therapists are, the ones who have gone through horrible shit. The crazy alcoholic teachers were always my favourite. I could make an endless list of ppl who were not happy, who suffered, who were crippled by mental illness, who impacted, who created, who touched ppls lives. I’m lost too, I don’t know what my purpose is, no f*cking idea, but as much as I want to sometimes, if I kill myself I’ll never find out, I think I finally realize that. Do crazy shit, try everything till you find something, why not? Keep pushing off the date, if you reach it and u still want to die, set it for 4 months from then, or just not today if you know what I mean.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@whiteraven Just a word of advice. I too picked a date. I had a will drawn up, sold most of my things and got rid of what I couldn’t sell. I followed through with my plan, even timing it right down to when I would mail a letter to my best friend. Then I took a shitload of pills and laid down. The police found me 2 1/2 days later, barely breathing. I spent 2 weeks in the hospital.

All I’m saying is this...... Making plans can be dangerous because if nothing has changed in your life, you may actually go through with your plan as I did. I personally would never try and talk someone out of doing what they wanted to do, all I’m saying is, really think this through because you can’t change your mind if it goes as planned.....

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Somewhat familiar with the fear of being suicidal after being suicidal and attempting several times.

Not really sure what to do with it, it mostly means scary periods of time and doubting stuff

 

[whiteraven]

Dostoyevsky, epileptic, poor af, depressed, also my literary and philosophical hero. You know who the best counsellours and therapists are, the ones who have gone through horrible shit.

I love Dostoyevsky, too, but Kafka is my absolute favorite. And though some may disagree, I don't with your statement about therapists. I truly believe you cannot help a person until you've walked a mile in their shoes.

@whiteraven Just a word of advice. I too picked a date. I had a will drawn up, s...

Thank you, @She Cat. I'm sorry you get it. When I set the date, I was in a very bad place. Now, maybe because I'm not actively suicidal, I guess the thoughts feel a bit overwhelming. There's also this little something in the back of my head that says if I don't, I'll be a failure, yet again.

I have a kind of built in safety system - 3 insiders/alters who just won't allow me to kill us. One told my therapist about the date - although didn't provide it to him - and now that he knows, it has made death easier to talk about. I have a very hard time with the subject, even though it is and has been a near-constant preoccupation for me, ever since I can remember. I don't rely exclusively on my insiders, but I feel better now that we're focusing on it; so many deaths, so much unresolved grief, and so much fear.