Not Sure About Therapist/therapy

[VioletButterfly]

Not even sure I should be posting this, but don't know what else to do or where to turn. Yesterday's session went in a really wrong direction. I don't even know how we got there. I'm so confused by all that the therapist said. It seems like I'm supposed to be my own therapist (her words). So, why am I there, again? I'm very frustrated and feel abandoned. I feel like I can't do this. She said we can't just keep talking about talking about it, it was time to go another way, but that was up to me. I, therefore, don't see a point in going on as I don'[t even know where I'm at, much less where to go back or forward to. What's the point. If I can't fix myself, which is what this type of therapy seems to be and I refuse to go back to the other way where the therapist is running the show, what's left? I don't trust anyone now.

I'm going to black right now and know it. I've been there all day and in the ladies room crying for the better part of it. I am just so tired of not being able to function in this world. This job is killing me, the way I am is killing me, my past is suffocating me. I'm slipping into victim mindedness. I just can't seem to get off the slippery slope. Who do I reach out to? The one who told me that I have all the answers and need to guide myself? It makes no sense. I wouldn't even know how to begin the conversation. It's no wonder why I would want to go back to T#1 - that world was manageable. Sorry, just don't know what to think and am afraid of what I'm contemplating.

I don't know what's going on. The job and this type of therapy make no sense to me; I have no frame of reference for either. Am I reacting to what the T said or to what I shared. I don't even know. Sorry. VB

 

[DogwoodTree]

There's nothing I can say that will solve the problem for you, I'm sorry. What gets me through times like that is simply choosing not to give up. You don't see the way through, you're not even sure you'll ever get through it, but...you can keep choosing to stay alive and stick it out.

Have you read the book Cry of the Soul, by Dan Allender? That book completely transformed my perspective on the purpose of life and why we exist. He comes at it from a Christian perspective, and really digs deep into the hard questions about why life is so painful sometimes. Remembering that it's my brokenness that draws me closer to God in ways that nothing else can...helps me keep moving.

There's a little something God put in my heart a few years ago when I was struggling with the loss of a baby after a miscarriage. He said, "When you've lost faith in everything else, trust my heart for you." I don't have to see the way through. That's what faith is...it's trusting God when I don't at all see for myself how any of this makes sense.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Thank you, kindly, for your post. It is very true and I share those beliefs as well. They just seem to go out the window when the world goes to black. It is God who brings me back though, again and again, so there must be a purpose in it all. He brings the light back. I have another appointment today and am totally sick about it. I'm printing out what I wrote above and some notations about how I responded after the previous appointment. We'll see where that takes us. If it's nowhere, then I guess I will know my answer with regard to this therapist and maybe therapy, in general, for the time being. Thank you again. You are so insightful and kind. VB