General Not Sure How To Deal With Him Anymore

[boxingchick]

Hi everyone. Going through a rough night and not sure who to turn to anymore. Ive been with my fiancée for 2yrs now and he suffers from combat related PTSD. He suffered his injury prior to us getting together although I didn't quite know what I was getting into. He's been in therapy for about 4 years and although most of his progress has been over the last year or so he often has relapses. When he is confronted with situations which he has no control over he gets triggered. Then he self medicates, pot (which I don't mind because it calms him down) and alcohol (which makes him abusive and violent)

Yesterday we went for a motorcycle ride with three of our friends. When we stopped at a gas station, a guy on a four wheeler hit my rear tire and sent myself and the bike to the ground... He didn't apologize and continued on fuelling his quad... my fiancée kinda got in the guys face and started calling him out on his behaviour. (He later said he was hoping the guy would take a swing first so that he could fight him.) The guy wouldn't give us his name or licence. So now the cops have to be involved.

Today some this cop called about an unrelated issue. Someone put a complaint about my fiancée driving back in July, and will be issuing him a citation. It was bad timing, my man got triggered. He hung up on the cop and refused to talk to him again after that. I Talked with the officer and told him I would handle everything. The fiancée then took off in my truck, and got into a hit and run. He said he got cut off and the other person hit him. He came home with more beer, and locked himself in his room and started to drink.

Everything was fine, we we're even goofing off. Later on in the night he comes out of the room, goes and make himself a sandwich. As he walks back into his room and slams the door, really loud. I asked him what he was wrong. He bolts out of the room and charged at me. I pushed him back 2-3 times but he kept charging at me. He then pushed me to the ground and walked me against the wall.When I wouldn't look at him he grabbed my chin and forced me to... He was talking very erratic, saying something about just like yesterday (with the guy who hit me) he was waiting for me to react. I guess he was waiting for me to push him so he could escalate it. He then went back to his room only to come back out 2 mins later and grab my lap top asking if I had told anyone about today... I told him no. He went back to the room and once again came back out 5 mins later. This time he took the phones away...

I don't know what is going on with him... I know he's triggered but this is unusual... He very erratic and I dont know who this man is... I havent seen this side of him in a long time. Right now I'm on edge, I jump every time he walks out of the room. I just don't know what Im dealing with, I don't know what is coming up next. Hes talking about disconnecting the phone so that no one can find him... Its all too weird. Its like dealing with Dr Jeckel and Mr Hide

I try not to take things personally but this is hard. I would never stay with him if the only thing we had was love but we have so much in common. After all he is my bestfriend.

 

[clare]

Hello Boxingchick,

I think you know that this situation is out of control. I put up with years of abuse from my husband and it's damaged me physically and emotionally. What your bf friend is doing is abusive. He is terrorizing you. This is not just selfish or manipulative behavior, it is dangerous. It's great that he's made progress thus far, but this "relapse" requires professional attention (probaby in-patient). If he's already getting therapy, I wonder do they know he's abusing alcohol and drugs? I know many members here will agree that while you love him he is not safe to be around right now. Personally, I would make a safety plan, consult with friends or use third party intervention groups and either get out or get a restraining order. I'm sorry if this sounds too dramatic, but I know how those eggshells can turn into landmines real fast. Have you reached your limit yet?

Please protect yourself,

clare

 

[ISupportHer]

First, I hear your expression of fear and confusion. It must just be overwhelming.

I agree with clare. You need to make sure you are safe. What you describe sounds like it could have easily progressed to you being seriously harmed. I am no expert but I feel compelled to say that you need to remove yourself from harm. That split second rage and, really assault, against you can return at any time when he is out of control. And he will be in attack mode. Please get to a safe place.

Hard decisions that I cannot even pretend to fully comprehend but you cannot help anyone if you are a victim.

 

[Cate]

I'm worried about you.

Please, please, please put yourself first. You can't help him if he's abusing you. Please leave him if you're afraid. You can work everything out later when you're not feeling threatened.

It's okay to love him but you have to make sure you're safe.

Cate

 

[pebbels]

Hello boxingchick:doh:
Ptsd or not :naughty:YOU are in an abusive relationship and need to concider YOURSELF first. NEVER make excuses for his behaviour especially if they are directed at YOU.

I agree with what has already been said, YOU need to keep yourself safe because this is a NO NO in anyones book.

Look after YOU:Hug_emoticon:

Pebs

 

[desperate]

I know it will be tough, but I think you need to consider taking some time away from him. He needs to know that this behavior is not acceptable, and if you don't make that clear it WILL happen again. If you're lucky, your leaving will "shock" him into changing his behavior. However, it may not. And you need to be prepared for that as well. I am guessing from your tone that you were hoping for a different answer, and I'm really sorry. But it's the only reasonable answer.

 

[Shoka]

Dear BoxingChick,

I can't give you any advice, because after a year of medication, therapy and lots of love and support, my sufferer had a major episode with me recently which included the use of extreme intimidation, force, and could have resulted in a more serious physical incident.

I'm writing you to tell you you're not alone, I'm in a similar boat as you are. The severity of these kinds of incidents just can't be ignored or else carer's risk becoming very sick themselves.

Your incident sounds really terrorfying. I think it's interesting that the common denominatior between our two incidents is ALCOHOL USE.

It has been made very clear to my sufferer. PTSD and ALCOHOL DO NOT MIX. He has been told he can not drink, period....... I have my doubts as to whether he will abide by this. I'm not implying alcoholism, but he could be on his way there if he's not darn careful. And "careful" is not a word I would ever use to describe my sufferer.

I hope you will get yourself in a safe place. I like to think of what I've just been through as my rock bottom, because I am afraid to imagine how much worse it could get if I don't let this incident be my wake up call. Perhaps you are there too? I hope for your sake that you are.

I'm sending you a BIG HUG as someone who has just gone through a frightening event herself.

Shoka