Jekaterina
New Here
Hello,
I've been having this problem for a long time, but I never considered it PTSD or anything like a psychological disorder.
My parents never abused me to the point that I can call it "child abuse"...Well, they used to beat(or slap, my mother prefered this) pretty often, but I couldn't care less. My mother has some sort of temper tantrums, she needs to express herself by slapping someone.I sometimes pitied her. Comparing to her, my father is much better, most of the time he just verbally assaulted me.
Yes, I was bullied at school for my funny looking. My mother shaved my head and dressed like an old clown. I was so ashamed....Boys loved to beat me up, while I was lying on the school playground hopelessly. In where I am from, pretty much everyone pays teacher at least something but my parents never did. That was why my teacher hated me, she humiliated me publicly once in a while. For instance, she told my friend to NOT play with me cause I am a selfish little "shit" and worth nothing at all. She said that in front of me and she knew I could do nothing about it. What happened was that my best friend left me. I still cannot get over with it. Later, I became more and more introverted and kind of developed stuttering. I made a new friend, and she was even worse. She was clear that she was my only friend.....Then at one point she started bullying me. I don't want to mention the details..... I attempted to hint my parents that something was going wrong...They simply ignored me at first. When they finally realized that I was being bullied, they told me I deserved that because I could not defend myself. But how could I? They always know my teacher hates me.....How would I deserve being treated like that? The boys used to tell me,"YOU WILL END UP MARRYING NOBODY CAUSE YOU'RE f*ckING UGLY AND DISGUSTING! YOU'LL END UP BEING A VIRGIN!" My mother shaved my head almost every month even after I begged her not to. Those annoying kids also teased me for having curly hair and light brown eyes..The funny thing is I'm always considered non-Asian by Asians and Asian by Americans.
I turned into a suck-up. I did everything to satisfy my bitchy teacher and eventually she stopped shitting on me that often. Luckily I was put into a new class...I made friends with some popular kids (I was a nerd and they needed my help with homework.) and then I started bullying other loners.. I got to know a quiet girl who later became my best friend, Ana(I never acknowledged her as my bff, though because I feel embarrassed having a nerdy friend).....I bullied her and I hate myself for that. She was the first person who ever told me I was beautiful and intelligent. She once said to me that she never hated me for anything...
After I came to U.S., I realized that I never treated her as a friend. I regret so much that I always dream of her, telling me that she doesn't want me as a friend anymore. I always have these nightmares...What haunts me the most is the desire to revenge..On one hand I feel sorry for bullying those poor kids that happen to do nothing wrong, on the other hand I hate anyone who triggers my memory..
I get to keep my hair and dress like typical American girls after I came here. Once I asked my mother why she shaved my hair, she replied, "I don't want you to be a slut and go to bed with any men."
I still hate her. I will never forgive her as long as I live. I always have flashbacks and sometimes hallucinations(I hear people cursing at me but in reality they are not..)
I'm not sure if this is PTSD.
I met a guy two years ago. He's very out-going and funny. It was really nice to stay with him. But somehow he reminded me of the boy who told me I was going to be a virgin forever. When he told me he liked me, I just snapped. I couldn't help yelling. I told him that I hate him for being ugly.(He's not ugly actually,,he's very good-looking and I could have fallen in love with him.) I feel slutty every time strangers on the street hit on me. They find me attractive only because I have long hair and look exotic.
Is this PTSD? How can I ever get over it?
Thanks to anyone who replies...
I've been having this problem for a long time, but I never considered it PTSD or anything like a psychological disorder.
My parents never abused me to the point that I can call it "child abuse"...Well, they used to beat(or slap, my mother prefered this) pretty often, but I couldn't care less. My mother has some sort of temper tantrums, she needs to express herself by slapping someone.I sometimes pitied her. Comparing to her, my father is much better, most of the time he just verbally assaulted me.
Yes, I was bullied at school for my funny looking. My mother shaved my head and dressed like an old clown. I was so ashamed....Boys loved to beat me up, while I was lying on the school playground hopelessly. In where I am from, pretty much everyone pays teacher at least something but my parents never did. That was why my teacher hated me, she humiliated me publicly once in a while. For instance, she told my friend to NOT play with me cause I am a selfish little "shit" and worth nothing at all. She said that in front of me and she knew I could do nothing about it. What happened was that my best friend left me. I still cannot get over with it. Later, I became more and more introverted and kind of developed stuttering. I made a new friend, and she was even worse. She was clear that she was my only friend.....Then at one point she started bullying me. I don't want to mention the details..... I attempted to hint my parents that something was going wrong...They simply ignored me at first. When they finally realized that I was being bullied, they told me I deserved that because I could not defend myself. But how could I? They always know my teacher hates me.....How would I deserve being treated like that? The boys used to tell me,"YOU WILL END UP MARRYING NOBODY CAUSE YOU'RE f*ckING UGLY AND DISGUSTING! YOU'LL END UP BEING A VIRGIN!" My mother shaved my head almost every month even after I begged her not to. Those annoying kids also teased me for having curly hair and light brown eyes..The funny thing is I'm always considered non-Asian by Asians and Asian by Americans.
I turned into a suck-up. I did everything to satisfy my bitchy teacher and eventually she stopped shitting on me that often. Luckily I was put into a new class...I made friends with some popular kids (I was a nerd and they needed my help with homework.) and then I started bullying other loners.. I got to know a quiet girl who later became my best friend, Ana(I never acknowledged her as my bff, though because I feel embarrassed having a nerdy friend).....I bullied her and I hate myself for that. She was the first person who ever told me I was beautiful and intelligent. She once said to me that she never hated me for anything...
After I came to U.S., I realized that I never treated her as a friend. I regret so much that I always dream of her, telling me that she doesn't want me as a friend anymore. I always have these nightmares...What haunts me the most is the desire to revenge..On one hand I feel sorry for bullying those poor kids that happen to do nothing wrong, on the other hand I hate anyone who triggers my memory..
I get to keep my hair and dress like typical American girls after I came here. Once I asked my mother why she shaved my hair, she replied, "I don't want you to be a slut and go to bed with any men."
I still hate her. I will never forgive her as long as I live. I always have flashbacks and sometimes hallucinations(I hear people cursing at me but in reality they are not..)
I'm not sure if this is PTSD.
I met a guy two years ago. He's very out-going and funny. It was really nice to stay with him. But somehow he reminded me of the boy who told me I was going to be a virgin forever. When he told me he liked me, I just snapped. I couldn't help yelling. I told him that I hate him for being ugly.(He's not ugly actually,,he's very good-looking and I could have fallen in love with him.) I feel slutty every time strangers on the street hit on me. They find me attractive only because I have long hair and look exotic.
Is this PTSD? How can I ever get over it?
Thanks to anyone who replies...
