Childhood Not sure what to do with these

[Klo]

I believe that I may have come to a realization that a large part of why I did this without even realizing it, in regards to destroying the photographs, is because there is no possible way for me to undo such a thing. Sure symbolism during anxiety of the nature that threatens an imminent flashback experience during a primitive attempt to control my environment.. or something along those lines.. also probably played a big enough role. But this morning I find myself filled with a different sort of anxiety that is basically over the fact that come roughly a week from now, my mother and her husband will find out that I destroyed every image of my face in the house. And there is nothing I can do to hide or avoid that fact. Nothing I can do to simply proceed as normal. Which again might have been a significant part of the whole idea even if subconsciously, since I find myself realizing it this morning as it is sinking in. Which also sort of opens up two significant possibilities, and with both of them being terrible, that also somehow makes both of them much less threatening. In one of those maneuvers where I can sort of soothe my brain in a, "Well at least it wasn't the other possibility that came true," sort of way, regardless of which possibility comes true. The first being that they rage at me. The second being that they don't acknowledge it at all.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Is there a way for you to get on SSI? Without your parents knowing? They have what's called Section 8 housing, which can only be a certain percentage of your income. There are programs to help, such as food stamps, medicaid, counseling. If you went to your local YWCA, they would probably have a lot of ways to help you get away from this horrid situation, and have your own life.

 

[Klo]

I had an appointment with my physician today for an unrelated health problem. I have emergency health insurance through the state currently, and while I was there the nurse asked me about my home life and if I wanted any information on social services resources. At the appointment I said no to everything (do you feel safe, do you need services, etc) because my mother has the same physician and this physician has a history of blabbing about my information to my mother (like, so much for HIPAA). Whenever my brain starts letting itself seriously contemplate the idea of escaping, it occurs to me more and more just how deeply and tangled my mother's talons are in my life. While I was there (getting tetanus shot) the physician also started badgering about me about how I haven't had a pap smear in nearly a decade, which I responded telling her that she already knows why, as I have severe physiological issues with that. She even has it in my medical records as having "vaginismus" since the last exam years ago went so horrendously and nearly got us both injured. She started chuckling and make light of it, saying that she has another patient who she has been giving exams to for longer than I have been a patient, and that the other patient is "so bad" that the other patient requested being put under for the exam. The whole time this physician is chuckling about it and using it to 'reassure' me that I'm not "as bad" as I seem to think. The whole time all I could think is bitch if you don't stop referring to coping with trauma as "being bad" you're gonna wind up with some trauma of your own in a minute here.

Well anyway thank you for the suggestion, appreciate it, I found the YWCA webpage for my area, will browse the site and see if perhaps anything applies to my situation.

 

[Klo]

Well they get home tonight. I feel like I'm going to wind up just throwing up on them. Literally.

 

[ladee]

We are here for you... if it isn't safe for you and the dog, get out... have a plan, just in case.... let us know what happens.

 

[DharmaGirl]

How are you doing?

 

[Klo]

Well everything went very predictably. I completely froze up and could hardly talk. My mother husband's feigned anger and tried to provoke a fight, but I was unresponsive to him so he gave up and shut up. My mother took the "I'm not angry, I'm just upset, I'm very worried about you" approach while telling me how I feel, what I think, etc and informing me that I'm insane. I give it less than 24 hours though of this approach not getting what she wants before her pseudo-maternal mask falls off and she becomes hostile. That is how it tends to go, as she tries to get dirt, sort of like constantly being under arrest, anything I say can and will be held against me. But if I don't say anything at all, then everyone's masks start falling off. She kept demanding that I tell her why I got rid of the photos that had my face in them, and I just kept repeating "I can't" and not taking any bait. They are currently headed over to my brother's home where he and his wife are probably about to be interrogated. I'm still in grey rock mode. Didn't puke on anyone, so that's a plus.

 

[ladee]

Welln good for not puking on anyone! When you stay in grey rock mode when she gets hostile, what happens?
Just stay safe!

 

[Klo]

Welln good for not puking on anyone! When you stay in grey rock mode when she gets hostile, what happens?...

I'm not super sure. I mean for me grey rock is kind of automated most of the time, since I severely dissociate under sudden duress. It's kinda more like dead rodent than grey rock, in actual practice. I have vague memories of her completely losing her shit but can't remember how those events ended. Her hostility is usually more so the plotting-some-messed-up-shit sort of thing. Although at this point in my life I have basically nothing left to lose and no weaknesses anymore other than my dog. If she kills or gets rid of my dog then she'll be going straight to hell and I'll be going straight to prison, so then there won't be anymore problems, anyway. Currently she's just on a campaign to convince me and everyone else that I'm completely insane, but it doesn't seem to be picking up any steam this time around. It's literally boiling down to, "Klo got rid of photos of herself that were in the house, she is clearly dangerous and might need to be locked up in a mental health ward," in essence. I'm not really sure what to even make of it to be honest. Maybe just nearly 30 years and I'm just tapped out at this point.

 

[ladee]

Oh Klo I hate to hear how hopeless you are. You do know there are crisis hot lines to call. I do not mean to be condescending in any way with that comment..can only hope no one listens to her or she is stupid enough to harm your dog... I do hope you keep us posted tho on how you are doing.... we do understand whether it feels like it or not....
Just know you are in my thoughts and just hope she shuts up.....

 

[DharmaGirl]

I don't know how you are able to make it in such a crazy home. I don't think you are the one with mental health problems. I mean, they are the crazy ones and anyone put under that much strain would react the way you do. They are abusive and I just hope you can find a way to get out of there. NAMI might have some ideas too. Both my brothers were mentally ill, as am I, and my mother is confident that she has nothing to do with it. When my younger brother died, she said, "I don't feel any guilt, he was a well-loved little boy." Unfortunately he was not a well protected, or well treated little boy. You don't get PTSD from nothing. When 2 of your children have severe cPTSD, and the other has schizo-affective disorder, you might stop and think about the abusive things you've done. But no, she can't see it.

 

[Klo]

Ugh yep less than 24 hours. She is in her super dark mindset this morning. Hard to articulate it but it's something I've learned to almost instinctively pick up on since I was a little kid. It's like the atmosphere just goes suffocating and toxic around her. It's this hostile sort of silence she develops and every little movement she does is somehow violent and angry. Like how putting a napkin in the trash bin can be turned into a super tense and hostile action, or going to use the restroom sounds like a home invasion between the slamming of doors and everything else. My brother will be here in an hour to pick me up along with my dog and we will spend most of the day at his place. There really isn't anything I can do to meet her demands, anyway. Her demands seemed to be that she wanted me to explain in detail what happened in regards to the missing photos of me, and I told her I couldn't do that (explain). Which I really can't. If I'm not loyal and protective to my "inner child" so to speak then the whole system that is my mind is going to unravel into a panicked and chaotic mess. I have to be protective and reliable to keep it together, which means not sharing sensitive things with an obviously dangerous person. So I just can't. I already told her I can't. If she riles up into a full blown temper tantrum then I just have to bear it until I can get out. I won't cave into pointless demands.