Not Sure What To Do

[deer_in_headlights]

Nope, you're not shit out of luck...
Where are your roommates? Can one of them take you to the ER?
You could call a mobile crisis line and let them take a look at you and your situation, then they can help grease you and Darwin into the ER, if you're too afraid to walk in by yourself.
These are ideas so you can get the help you need and stay safe.
I'm going to be pulled away from this computer soon, and so I need to know you are actively doing something useful and good to protect yourself tonight, instead of getting wasted and cutting.

Love,
Deer

 

[trapped]

Okay... okay, thanks...

6 hours. Three if they do the 9pm ones. I don't know if they'll do those this year, I didn't hear. Shit. Six hours til I have a complete meltdown.

Positive. I've tried to stay positive. Tried to tell myself this time will be different. I had a breakdown in Harvard Sq a couple hours ago tho. I jumped a few feet sideways into some poor guy walking by me when a car backfired. I can't do this. Each year it happens, and is more traumatizing, making the next one worse. I don't know what to do. the room is spinning, and I don't know if that's the alcohol or the anxiety.

If I went to the ER- first, well, there's a lot of complications:
1. If I go, what do I say when they ask why I'm there? Do I say "PTSD"? They'd probably look at me, look at my file seeing that's been a diagnosis since before I moved to Boston even. They'd say "and...?" Do I complain about vomitting and feeling like my head is pounding even after taking a small handful of aspirin and just beg for an IV? And in which case, I'd have to time my going there right so I was there during the loud BANG-BOOM-BANG of the fireworks. f*ck, just that word "bang" makes me anxious. Looking at a pic of a firework makes me anxious. I'm a lost cause.
2. How do I decide which ER to go to? With all the hospitals around, I have a couple handfuls of options- Beth Israel, Mass General, Brigham, St Elizabeth's, Mt Auburn, Boston Med, and a couple others... I know I don't like Beth Israel. St E's is quiet. I don't think I'd like that- I'm going for noise muffling quality busy ER sounds to muffle out any firework noise that might escape into the building. Boston Med is where I ended up being hospitalized last year- it's further away than the others plus I'm worried that ANY ER I go to is gonna see the hospitalization from last year and think it's a pattern (tho it's not intentionally- this year if I end up in an ER, it'll hopefully be from intention. Last year I woke up in an ER, first words outta my mouth were "what the F-..." followed by "where the F-ing hell am I?" I usually go to MGH to see most my docs (except for a couple, one is outta St E's and my cardiologist is out of the Brigham). Brigham has been ultra nice whenever I've been there, they're closer to me than MGH too. Mt Auburn I know a psych there, but who the hell knows if he's around tonight anyway.
3. What if they say ER's are only for EMERGENCIES like the name implies?
4... I can't keep my train of thought long enough to remember four and five right now.

 

[trapped]

What exactly does a mobile crisis line do? I've never called one before.

If I show up at the ER with Darwin in hand (or in my backpack at least), maybe playdoh and books or my computer with me too, would they think I'm plain outta my mind? Or is it okay to bring Darwin?

I can't cope with the anxiety. I cracked open a bottle of vodka and can't stop drinking either. My roommates headed out to a pub in Brighton, and are going to a club in Cambridge after that.

I guess calling someplace or going in would be safe. They won't keep me for like days and days tho, right? Just make sure I'm safe and okay tonight? I ain't signing up for another stint at the hospital. I just am freaked out about not knowing what to say to them... I'd probably hold out my hand and go "hey, I'm Meg and I'm not an alcoholic, but I am drunk" yeah, that's about how marginally coherent my brain is right now.

 

[trapped]

Okay... box cutter is... uh... f*ck, I forgot... maybe if I pour another vodka n cranberry juice I'll remember.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Meg, of course it's ok to bring Darwin with you!
Mobile Crisis is a team that responds to emergencies that involve situations just like you're in.
They come out to your house or apartment, sit down and talk with you, see how you're doing and talk about how you can stay safe. They can help you go to the hospital, and talk to the hospital staff so you don't have to fret or worry about the zillion things you're worrying about right now. Most of your list is made up of arguments about why the ER wouldn't help you. Why are you doing that? You could make up an even longer list of all the reasons why they would help you. It's time to do something to help yourself. I will be very proud of you, and even more importantly, you will be proud of yourself for finally taking good, protective care of you.

I'm unfortunately being pulled off the computer, so you have got to start doing these things to help yourself, not staying in your apartment by yourself and drinking even more.

Get help from a mobile team or go to a hospital, now.... now... now....
I love you
Make me proud, Girl!!!
(((((((((((((((Meg and Darwin)))))))))))))
Love,
Deer

 

[trapped]

okay... if it's okay to bring Darwin I can maybe try to go... maybe try calling one of those crisis team number things, even tho idk if they'd come on a holiday, or talk to me on the phone, but I can try... tho having someone like that come out could be scary, but maybe I could call one of them or some other hotline when I head over to the hospital, I think I'd go to the Brigham cuz it's closer and they've always been nice to me.

Maybe, yeah, definitely, I think I'll try to take a hot bath to calm down and not go in all anxious, tho I'll be anxious anyway. Maybe stop and get something to eat cuz I KNOW they'll look at my chart, my medical bracelet, and I'll be in trouble if I haven't eaten, especially after the pulmonologist last week writing a note in my file about me suddenly stopping my seizure meds this week (I was worried cuz the med I'm on, it's a sugar basically... and for eating-disorder driven reasons, I tossed it this week- has NOT been a pleasant week to say the least, and I regret that choice in hindsite). Yeah, so I need to try to eat, even if it takes having an appletini along with it. Then if there's fireworks at 9pm we can see how I do, maybe I won't be too distressed and will be fine, but if I panic before 9 I'll head to Brigham, or head there before 9, maybe I can see if seeing an early movie calms me down, and if not go to the ER, or call the Brigham at least and explain to the nursy nurse that I'm not by any means sober, shaking from anxiety, and want help cuz I don't want to keep drinking or cut or dissociate.

 

[trapped]

Deer- I just wanna say thank you for all of your help n support tonight, and to tell u and everyone else who might read this I think I go to the hospital now. More than a little drunk, a bit blazed, not feeling well. No 9pm fireworks, I don't think, tho I think that was also around when I was taking a nap in a snow bank, cuz that seemed like a good idea at the time (it wasn't). I was gonna go to ER, then I wasn't, cuz several friends said stay home or go out and party with them, but don't be stupid n go to ER where they'd make fun of my drunk, anxious, scared butt. I thought they were right. Then I started struggle to breathe and took pulse and it's over 140bpm. I am usually 40-50 ish, and even if I have anxiety attack even then it don't go much higher than 80 so 140 super high. and not breathing isn't good. I keep trying to brush it off as anxiety, but with the alcohol, astha, other health issues I feel as tho I shouldn't take a chance. I am an idiot tho for getting myself into this mess :(

 

[trapped]

i did it, I went, probably a good thing cuz medically I wasn't stable (who'd have thunk) and I'm being held for monitoring ("was admitted" is the proper term "held prisoner" is my version- though they have been nice, super nice... even when I was up front about a med I was on and need to be on and stopped taking for an eating disorder driven reason- they said well, we should start you back on that but if you need to we can let neuro talk to you and come up with other options you might be more comfortable with, cuz we want you on the med you're MOST comfortable and okay with and most likely to be willing to take when you leave.) I like it here- they give me a lot of freedom and choice, not having meds shoved down my throat that I don't want, when I freaked out there was glucose in one of the bags of fluids they brought in, they took it away. They're going out of their way to not stress me out more (my hr was already upwards of 140 earlier, it's down a bit now but has still been running high). I still think it is scary- but it is only that. Only scary. It is not intolerable. In fact, it is even surviveable.

And I made it thru NYE-NY transition with only a panic attack and a very caring doctor holding my hand and stroking my head and talking to me. Flawless? Perhaps not. Significant improvement? Hell yeah. And we couldn't hear the fireworks at all. I was satisfied.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Meg,

Good for you. I am so glad you went and things are better for you today. You have a lot of people pulling for you right now.

(((hugs)))
Debbie

 

[deer_in_headlights]

(((((((((((((((MEG))))))))))))))))))))!!!

Hooray!!! I am so proud of you!!! I was worried about you all night and this morning, just got to my mobile and am reading your fantastic post!!! Oh, Meg, I am so proud of you!!! You did the right thing, Hon!!!!

I'm so glad they admitted you, and how wonderful that they are taking such good and loving care of you - I have tears in my eyes for you and gratitude to the Drs and Nurses who are taking such loving, gentle care of you.

I'm holding you in my heart and thoughts, and sending you much love...
Please rest well, today... and continue healing...
I love you, Meg...
Good job, Hon
love
Deer