Relationship Not Sure What To Do

[Cannon Fodder]

I met a wonderful woman about 7 months ago. She is very focused in life and accomplishes a great deal, but over time I've learned that emotionally she can't handle much and bottles up a lot of pain.

When she was about 5, her older brother died in a fire that she blames herself for. Her parents split sometime after that; I believe she blames herself for that too. After sometime she had to live with her grandparents, and her grandfather was an alcoholic and evidently physically abusive. She is 23 now, and she has lived on her own with her younger brother since she was 18.

Our relationship has always had a bit of ups and downs, and only when it has become pretty bad have I realized that she has PTSD (my dad has it also).

As far as I know, she has told me more about her life than she's told most of her friends.

Recently she has faced a lot of stress and she has been pushing everyone away - especially me. She says I deserve someone better. I care a lot about her and I'm not easily pushed away, but I'm not sure how to be supportive of her right now. :unsure:

Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.

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[sisu]

Hello Cannon Fodder, Welcome!! You have come to the right place! As I am sure you already know with your experience with your dad and now your girlfriend - PTSD is a stress disorder. Too much good stress or bad stress can cause a person with PTSD to shut down. I have no doubt having PTSD most of her life, she knows exactly how "down" she can go....she (in her mind) is protecting you and doing the most loving thing she knows how to do right now and that is push you away. I have said this before - any good relationship has to have a foundation of trust and I believe those with PTSD require a sort of "super trust" in their relationships. In order to share all of their "dark secrets" without fear of being judged they need to know, absolutely know, that they can trust that other person they are sharing with. With that said, all you can do is be there for her....don't smother her with "extra" love and attention as that may cause her to run too. Just be your normal loving happy self and if you are still there when her "dust" settles ~ she will trust that you will be there for her in the future.

You cannot force her to not push you away, you cannot force her to stay with you - just support her as much as she will allow and please take care of yourself. You need to stay happy and healthy so you can be there for her.

Take care,
Sisu

 

[Cannon Fodder]

Sisu,

Thank you for your timely advice. What you say makes sense but is certainly hard to carry through.

Had this been a "normal" relationship that ended, I would have been OK walking away and moving on. As I'm sure many people on these forums experience, I feel like I'm in Limbo: I can't pursue her the way things are now, but letting go of her feels like it would hurt her.

I am the type of person that likes to take definitive action; biding time when someone I care about is suffering is difficult.