Not Sure What To Say....

[sillybearmama]

I was diagnosised with PTSD about 10 months ago. Initially the cause was thought to be from 2 years of extensive sexual abuse from a family friend when I was an adolescent. I recently learned from my mother that my father was also extremely physically abusive to me starting when I was under 2 years old (this probably continued until I was about 5 when they divorced but I'm not certain).

Currently I'm working full time, going to school part time, and am married with a 2 1/2 year old daughter. I have a lot of demands on me, I have always considered myself a "serial people pleaser". That was my role in my family of origin, keep everyone else happy to try and minimize the drama. In addition I never really made decisions about what I wanted or liked, I mostly just went along with what everyone else said and did. Now that I am in therapy I am working to regain my sense of self and trying to learn how to put my own happiness and health as paramount.

This is such a struggle for me, I'm not sure how to tell when I'm being selfish and when I'm just loving myself how I should be. I'd love to hear from anyone else who has struggled with these types of feelings.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((SillyBearMama)))))

I'm so sorry for all you have endured!

Welcome to the forum. You are not alone. It was when my children began reaching the age of my own abuse that my walls of denial started breaking down. It is like that for many...far too many.

Keeping reading, sharing, and being gentle with yourself.

It does get better.

It takes time to heal, to practice kindness to ourselves, to quiet the voices of our abusers in our heads and then learn what own own sounds like...and needs...and to give ourselves permission to both have those needs and learn how to get those met.

May your suffering cease and joy, comfort, and hope walk with you on this path.

As do we.

 

[CraftyCath]

(((((SillyBearMama))))) Hi and Welcome.

I'm sorry for what you have had to endure. Not knowing if you are being kind to yourself or selfish is understandable. As you get used to being good to yourself and finding who you are I'm sure it will all balance out. You are so used to giving to others that it's a strange feeling to give something to yourself, even time. I, too, always pleased everyone else and went along with what everyone else wanted. I'm only just finding my voice and often feel guilt for doing something for 'me.' I'm learning to ignore the guilt and enjoy myself a bit.

I wish you joy,

Cath

 

[Froggie]

Welcome to the forum SillyMamaBear. All the other members have pretty well summed up what I was going to say so the only thing left for me to say is that there is a special sister forum here for those who suffered sexual abuse : [DLMURL]http://sexabuse.ptsdforum.org[/DLMURL]

You may find that helpful alongside this open forum. Best of luck to you and will be looking forward to reading your posts.

 

[sillybearmama]

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. It's comforting to know that others have struggled with this and it will help me when I doubt whether I'm being selfish or not. I know that I need time for myself it's just so hard to give myself sometimes. I was able to take the whole day to myself yesterday and drive to the coast for some peaceful time to reflect and be with myself. I have to say it was very refreshing and allowed me time to really clear my head.

BloomInWinter I think you are so right, it's hard to sort out my own voice through the voices of my abusers. Hopefully I will be able to continue to focus in on my own voice and quiet out the others.

Froggie thank you for sharing the information about the sexual abuse forum, I will look into that forum as well.

I wish you all much love and peace in your journeys.

 

[a3a2]

Welcome from another serial pleaser. I'm trying to figure my way out of that as well. Blessings on your healing journey.