Not Sure What To Think About This

[scout86]

It occurred to me a few weeks ago that I'm not giving my T much to work with, because I hate talking about what I'm thinking, let alone what I'm feeling. He keeps trying, I keep giving one word answers. I'm honestly not sure what's "safe" to say and have learned long ago that it's not good to give out too much information. But, this isn't really getting us anywhere either.

So, a couple weeks ago, I came up with something to talk about that's 1) kind of a problem 2) possibly PTSD related and 3) totally safe. At least I thought it was totally safe.

My dad has glaucoma and is blind from it. The pressure in my eyes has always been at the high end of normal and I'm supposed to get it checked annually. The last time I had it checked was more than 10 years ago. Having the test done has gotten to be a bit of a problem. They have to actually touch the surface of your eye with the machine. They use a local anesthetic. It doesn't hurt. I know that. But, you have to sit stock still in their chair and watch as the thing comes at your eye. No, I can't "not watch". (Possibly PTSD related?)

So, about 3 weeks ago I mentioned this when he did his "What do you want to, or not want to, talk about this week?" thing. He was kind of funny. I think he was glad I finally came up with something and then a little concerned that I'd managed to come up with something where there wasn't going to be an easy, quick fix, so he could demonstrate that he's "on my side" and encourage me to trust him. :oops: Anyway, we talked about it, he had some suggestions. Then he asked what Dr I went to. It's been so long that there really IS not "Dr I go to", He had a suggestion. He said that the guy he sees is very good and nice and would probably be patient and willing to work with me on this. Cool! He gave me contact info for him. I procrastinated a bit, but made an appointment the other day. The same day as my last therapy session.

I was feeling kind of good about having made the appointment, in spite of the fact that my plan had been to just drive by and check out the office and postpone making an appointment "for awhile". I began the session by saying, "Hey, I actually made an appointment to get my eyes checked." My T expressed his approval, Then he mentioned that he'd just made an appointment himself. (He's had cataract surgery and is following up.) He asked, if he saw the Dr before I did, was it ok if he talked to him about me? I hesitated, but said that it was. Then he checked to see when his appointment is. Turns out it's probably right after mine! NOW he's thinking maybe he can work it out so he can be there for MY appointment......

Ok, that's probably a "good" thing. But, it's kind of bothering me. First, because "nobody" cares how hard stuff is for me, I'm just supposed to suck it up an deal with it like an adult. No one EVER goes out of their way to "help". So, what it he UP TO?????????? Besides that, I HAVE learned a few things over the year I've been seeing him. I think this might go better than the last time. (At one point, the last time, in an attempt to get me to quit flinching, the tech yelled at me that, if I didn't quit jumping back I was going to get my eye injured. Yeah, like THAT was going to help!)

So, what am I supposed to do? If I handle this as badly as I normally do, he's going to be as annoyed as everyone else always is, right? But, if I manage to pull it off, he'll think I was lying to him? \

There is a part of me, probably what he likes to refer to as the "rational part of your brain that you'd like to think is usually running the show", that knows I'm making this WAY more complicated than it really is. The rest of my brain (which, I'm afraid, often really IS running the show!) would like to get some independent confirmation of that. That part of my brain is sure this is some kind of trick, it's just not sure the nature of the trick. How does this strike the rest of you? I hate to tell him to mind his own business. First, because I THINK he's trying to help and also because, it a point, it IS his business....

 

[greenleaf]

Hi @scout86! I'm very glad that you're working to take care of your vision, this is great.

This may sound odd, but I don't actually think you're making it more complicated than it is; I think you're paying close attention to your trust issues and try to work on them with people who can potentially help you.This takes courage, and I hope you'll give yourself lots of positive credit for it.

Trust issues can make things complex, and I've found that that trying to see from others' perspectives can help work out the details (but the multiple perspectives do add complexity automatically) -- I'd put a large part of your posting in that category.

Perhaps you could tell the part of your brain that is worried about tricks, that people being trustworthy is not always a trick (in fact, not usually, though bad personal experiences probably carry a lot more weight for that brain part than theory other people tell us)... Also, if something bad does happen, your adult self has very strong abilities to cope with troubles -- unlike what might have happened in the past. You can tell that part of your brain that adult you will take care of it, and then do so. (I'm working on sorta related things and it feels like the scared part has to take in that it can trust the adult part, apart from dealing with actual other people.)

You deserve healthy vision! The scared part as well as the rational/adult/whatever one calls it part. This is important stuff for you to work on, and you and your vision are important.

 

[littlelostchild]

I believe he wants to be there to support you. I know it is weird to be getting support - I am wired the same way - never got it, don't expect it, don't even believe I deserve it or, what will they want in return - that being said, this is your t who wants to help you and coincidently will be available for this. It should be a good trust building experience no matter how it goes at the appointment.

My two cents.

 

[desiderata310]

Your therapist is going to show up and go to your appointment WITH you? I mean, I know that it's working out really well since you are both scheduled together but that's huge!

He's not up to anything other than being supportive. Yes, I have that same tape running in my head RIGHT NOW because we've changed where we have my sessions (he doesn't have to have 'nature sessions' with anyone else! He deal with trauma and tons of trauma sufferers) will be held.
My therapist is the ONLY reason I went through the women's shelter and then to trial and got a restraining order. He went with me to every court date. He testified on my behalf that I had PTSD and openly accused my abuser (my ex) in court.

When I balk, when I talk about his other clients and the fact that no one else is triggered by the noise in his office; contacts him as much as I do between sessions; that no one else is as much of a problem as I am, he reminds me that he LIKES working with trauma patients . He got into this line of work KNOWING what came with the job and that he is ok with it and moreover, he LIKES working with me (and you have no idea how hard it is for me to believe this)

It sounds like you have a really great therapist who is willing to go that extra mile with you to help you get past this. Take a deep breath and ask yourself if he would do it if he DIDN'T care. The truth is, he wouldn't. He's not getting anything extra from the insurance company, no co-pay, nothing from you by showing up to your appointment and helping to keep you grounded. He's going to be there for support because you need to see that someone gives a damn and he is that person. It is going to help you with the really hard stuff in sessions. It's some place to put roots and grow trust. Scary shit, eh?

Yes, I am trying to remember this constantly, too. DAMN YOU, Lizard brain! PTSD is a bitch but if you're lucky you wind up with a therapist like yours.

Take that with you nest session and try to keep it in mind as you sort out what is safe to talk about. Maybe write something and email it? That's what I've had to start doing. I would NEVER take it with me but once I hit send it's there and I can't get it back and it opens the door just a tiny crack.

I remember early on, my therapist was talking about how some people never heal because the truth is they don't WANT to. Not to say that it is a conscious thing but the fear is too great or that they just aren't ready AT THAT TIME. I wound up at therapy because I had come to an impasse: I was either going to get better or self destruct. I was already well down the road to self destructing. I didn't want to go there. I'm finally at a place where the rest of my life is getting better: my kids are health and happy (even if they trigger the hell out of me), I have a job I love; I am some place lovely and safe and I am a long, long way away from old places with memories of abuse and the people who use to abuse me. I have made very hard painful, scary decisions to continue to go BACK to my therapist even when I am scared out of my head to go because I want to get better.

Wow.. ok.. All that to say, I think that with what I know about you @scout86 you want this to work as well. jump in with both feet and see what happens. He sounds like he's got your back.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @scout86 , I get you there, my dad & his aunt had the more rare (open-angled?, I can't recall) form of glaucoma, he went virtually blind over night in his 40's. I too am supposed to get my pressure checked as it is also high but last time I did it (I only did it once) it was $400 a test. To be honest I think I zoomed out. And it is my nature/ childhood training to stay quiet during pain or at a Dr's.

I can only say from what you said that it's tempting to avoid it, ie book the appointment later. But you did do it ( :tup: :hug: ), & your T believes you that it is obviously very stressful or he wouldn't have referred you & asked if he could mention you. Also, he knows what the Dr is like if that is his Dr too. The fact that the appointments are close probably is coincidence. But even if it wasn't I don't think that would infer anything else than he thinks he might be able to help you ground, & 'normalize' this, & get through it. But I understand. Trust is very difficult, but then I guess we have to give & receive it to do things differently. Someone mentioned on the other thread (Bloom I think) about reality checking, I would have to 'ask' about almost everything to 'get' it. :eek: :( I too have grown up with the do-it-yourself/ suck-it-up principle, but mostly I've avoided it. Great to you for booking the appointment! :tup:

I think he just sounds like he really is trying to help. And any reaction or lack of you have would be ok.

And hey- you can't see to drive after can you?

Best wishes with your appointment. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If you honestly think he is trying to trick you or is up to something, isn't therapy just a complete waste of time anyway?

Someone once said to me "SOLARA, can you PLEASE believe for FIVE SECONDS that I love you!?!?!" Whoa. That stopped me in my tracks! Perhaps you need to do the same. Just stop, and for five seconds let it sink in that he really does care about you.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@scout86 - Congratulations on being brave enough to make that eye appointment. I just have to go for a regular eye exam and I am procrastinating (1. I get scared using the phone, and 2. the last time I went was the day after my accident and it brings back unwanted memories). You've giving me courage.

I think your therapist wants to support you. It might be hard, but maybe you could tell your therapist that you appreciate his support, but maybe he could just wait in the waiting room in case you need his support more. I totally understand the not trusting that people actually care for you, but it really sounds like he's trying to support you because he believes you that you have struggled with this in the past.

 

[Tinyflame]

Maybe he realizes he also understands you & such (how you feel, possible reactions, etc) better than the eye doctor would/ could.

I agree with @Solara . From what you've posted on the forum you sound like a person easy to care about. :) :hug:

 

[scout86]

Wow! Thank you all! I've been gone all day & wasn't sure what I'd find when I checked back here. You all really reinforced the "maybe this WILL be ok" side of the internal debate, because you all get it AND are supportive.

"SOLARA, can you PLEASE believe for FIVE SECONDS that I love you!?!?!

@Solara, I suspect that if anyone ever said that to me, I'd be running for the door as fast as humanly possible! Which, of course, is part of "the problem". So, you're right, it would be good to be open to the possibility.

@greenleaf, good points and things I will remember to remind myself!

@littlelostchild, that's it exactly! And, it's also what I realized when I decided I needed to find SOMETHING we could "work on". I have a philosophy when it comes to friends, "You never really know if you can trust someone until you've spent some time together in a foxhole." A metaphorical foxhole, must of the time.; But, you can't know if you can trust someone until you take some kind of a chance and see what happens. I realized that, as long as I didn't give him ANY kind of opening, I'd never know if I could trust him or not. This was what I came up with. I guess I shouldn't be surprised he took the bait, although I never dreamed he'd do something like this! Although, he's like that. He does stuff I never would have expected a lot.

Your therapist is going to show up and go to your appointment WITH you? I mean, I know that it's working out really well since you are both scheduled together but that's huge!

If he can, that's the plan......Yeah, it seems pretty huge, to me. In a lot of ways, he reminds me of what you've said about your T, although it sounds like their personalities are different. I never actually thought about the idea that he works with trauma patients because he LIKES it, until you said it. (Duh!) Good point, though. I'd like to think he has my back. I think he'd like me to think that too. But then we have the Lizard Brain wondering WHY he wants me to think that, because surely no one could want that without it being part of some nefarious plan. You're right, though, I DO want this to work. I knew when I started that it wasn't going to be easy and that it was going to involve learning new ways of thinking, and taking some chances. I also knew there was a good chance I'd end up dead sooner rather than later if I didn't.

He's going to be there for support because you need to see that someone gives a damn and he is that person. It is going to help you with the really hard stuff in sessions. It's some place to put roots and grow trust. Scary shit, eh?

Ok, now THAT almost made me cry! And, you're right, it's really scary shit!

From what you've posted on the forum you sound like a person easy to care about. :) :hug:

I don't know about THAT, but thank you! (My ex-husband would beg to differ, I think and he's probably not the only one. LOL)

Thank you all! I'm feeling a bit better about this. And, I'm really glad I found this forum! :)

 

[Chosen]

Wow, I think your T is AWESOME!!!! I'd be thrilled if my T would go with me to the dentist (that's where I get terrified). I'd totally take him up on that offer. That's super nice of him!

SO glad you have a great T!

 

[scout86]

SO glad you have a great T!

Me too!

 

[Tinyflame]

Well then your ex didn't deserve you @scout86 . :) :hug: